Ramblings 2

For the past few days I have been feeling intensely suicidal at times and not sure why that is. The burden of escape presses upon me and I wish that by wishing I would cease to exist. I just feel that I have nothing to live for as my psychache is peaking. I was doing good for a while, being content but now it seems I am going back into the abyss again.  I have been trying in vain to find the escape article but I just cannot find it. I might have tossed it in the recycle bin or something. The reason I want to read this article is just so that I have something to read that is academic.
I have been reading Hamilton’s biography and a book on the American revolution but none of these books hold my attention for long. The Hamilton book is very dense. It took me a long time just to get to where I am now, about 50 pgs into it. Hamilton lead an extreme hard early life to become one of the founding is quite remarkable. It fills me with sadness knowing I will never be at high ranks. I just plug along being an outcast. I have very few friends I keep in regular contact with. I am a loner to say the least.
I struggle with wanting to take my life on a daily basis. I never know what day it will be that I take my life. Some people hope that I won’t but I can’t stand living in misery all the time. I am a negative person and always see the glass half empty but I have nothing to refill the glass with. I am a sorry human being who doesn’t deserve to live. Why I am so wretched I know not why. I am nothing and always will be one. People say life is what you make it but I hardly have the strength to get out of bed some days. I hardly can take in a breathe when I need to.

suicide paper, V1

“You will not fail to see that I am suffering under a depression of spirits which will [not fail to] ruin me should it be long continued” -Edgar Allan Poe {{Jamison, 1993 #18}.    

Depression, left untreated, eventually leads to suicide.  In the United States, suicide is the 11th leading cause of death, accounting for approximately 30,000 deaths with an age adjusted rate of 10.7 per 100,000 persons (Gaynes et al., 2004).  Most clinicians have seen suicidal patients throughout their careers.  Researchers have reported that professional psychologists has a 1:5 or 1:7 chance of losing a client to suicide; for psychologist trainees, a 1:6 ratio has been reported.  To date, there is no known formalized training program for beginning or experienced clinicians designed to teach suicide assessment skills, nor is there a recognized model for treating suicidal thoughts and feelings in a systematic way (Rosenberg, 1999).  Furthermore, the current literature fails to accurately define what it meant by “suicide ideation” or “suicide attempt”.  O’Carroll et al describes in their research how one clinician can say to the other that they have hospitalized a client due to suicide attempt.  The other clinician often wonders what that means.  Does that mean the client actively attempted deliberate self-harm warranting medical attention, attempted self-harm but did not warrant medical attention, or ideated a plan for an attempt and was intent on acting on that plan.  Eg pg 238 on senate asking the question and responding.  Reasons for intent, how many came to the hospital how many didn’t, how many died.  Basic terms are not uniform among clinicians (O’Carroll et al., 1996). 

David Rudd has provided a conceptual framework based on clinical summaries and assessment tasks consistent with existing standards of care but not dependent on psychotherapeutic orientation.  This framework is divided into three categories: practical skills, self-image, and interpersonal relationship (Rudd, 1998). 

One of the essential goals to achieve treatment success is to emphasize psychodynamic approaches to developmental issues and the therapeutic relationship.  A strong therapeutic alliance is essential to positive outcome treatment with a depressed client (Klein et al., 2003).

Several studies have noted a difference between single and multiple attempters (Joiner & Rudd, 2000; Joiner, Walker, Rudd, & Jobes, 1999; Rudd, Joiner, Jobes, & King, 1999; Walker, Joiner, & Rudd, 2001).  It has been postulated that previous suicide attempts sensitize one to subsequent suicide-related thoughts and behaviors.  These individuals with a history of multiple attempts display behavioral and cognitive styles distinct from those of non-multiple attempters. There is also evidence that crisis intensity is related to negative life events for non-multiple attempters but not for multiple attempters (Walker et al., 2001). These same authors have stated that clients fall into three types of groups when assessing suicidality: suicide ideators, single attempters, and multiple attempters (Joiner et al., 1999).

The difference between them is the elevated risk in multiple attempters because of type, chronicity, and severity of psychopathology.  The authors also go on to define seven domains of factors in assessing suicide risk.  These are:

1. Previous suicidal behavior

2. Nature of current suicidal symptoms

3. Precipitant stressors

4. General symptomatic presentation, including hopelessness

5. Impulsivity and self-control

6. Other dispositions (e.g. history of abuse, environmental factors, substance abuse, etc)

7. Protective factors (e.g. suicidal writing, social support)

A history of previous suicidal behavior is an important domain for risk assessment.

In addition to these domains, the authors have narrowed down two main factors to summarize suicidal symptomatology risk: “resolved plans and preparation” and “suicidal desire and ideation”.

     Resolved plans and preparation is defined as the following symptoms: a sense of courage to make and attempt, a sense of competence to make an attempt, availability of means to and opportunity for attempt, specificity of plan for attempt, preparations for attempt (seeking gun, pills, etc), duration of suicidal ideation, and intensity of suicidal ideation.  Their view is that if the client shows such symptoms, they are in pernicious, moderate risk.

     The suicidal desire and ideation factor defines the following symptoms: reasons for living, wish to die, frequency of ideation, wish not to live, passive attempt, desire for attempt, expectancy of attempt, lack of deterrents to attempt, and talk of death and/or suicide.  These symptoms are clinically noteworthy but are considered minimal risk, unless the client has had previous suicidal attempts (Joiner et al., 1999).

References:

Gaynes, N. B., West, S. L., Ford, C. A., Frame, P. S., Klein, J., & Lohr, K. (2004). Screening for suicide risk in adults: A summary of the evidence for the United States preventative services task force. Annuals of Internal Medicine, 140(10), 822-835.

Jamison, K. R. (1993). Touched with fire.New York: Free Press Paperbacks. p.18

Joiner, T. E., & Rudd, M. D. (2000). Intensity and duration of suicidal crises vary as a function of previous suicide attempts and negative life events. Journal of Counseling and Clinical Psychology, 68(5), 909-916.

Joiner, T. E., Walker, R. L., Rudd, M. D., & Jobes, D. A. (1999). Scientizing and routinizing the assessment of suicidality in outpatient practice. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 30(5), 447-453.

Klein, D. N., Santiago, N., Vivian, D., Schwartz, J. E., Vosisano, C., Blalock, J., et al. (2003). Therapeutic alliance in depression treatment: Controlling for prior change and patient characteristics. Journal of Counseling and Clinical Psychology, 71, 997-1006.

O’Carroll, P. W., Berman, A. L., Maris, R. W., Moscicki, E. K., Tanney, B. L., & Silverman, M. M. (1996). Beyond the tower of babel: A nomenclature for suicidology. Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior, 26(3), 237-252.

Rosenberg, J. I. (1999). Suicide prevention: An integrated training model using affective and action-based interventions. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 30(1), 83-87.

Rudd, M. D. (1998). An integrative conceptual and organizational framework for treating suicidal behavior. Psychotherapy, 35(3), 346-360.

Rudd, M. D., Joiner, T. E., Jobes, D. A., & King, C. A. (1999). The outpatient treatment of suicidality: An integration of science and recognition of its limitations. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 30(5), 437-446.

Walker, R. L., Joiner, T. E., & Rudd, M. D. (2001). The course of post-crisis suicidal symptoms: How and for whom is suicide “cathartic”? Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior, 31(2), 144-152.

hail to the shower

8-30-12

I live in a depressed state most of the time. It takes me a long time to get dressed and make decisions about what to wear, from the socks, to the pants/ shorts, shirt, etc. but the most annoying thing that I always have to psych myself up for is a shower. It should be an easy decision but because I have to stand longer than I should, it is painful. It actually exhausts me, both physically and mentally instead of being invigorating. I rarely love taking a shower. I have such a bad association to it because it makes me exhausted and then afterwards I just want to crawl back in bed. It takes too much energy sometimes just to put clothes back on. It takes all I have out of me. I hardly ever think that it is a good thing to be exhausted after showering but I find that I am and I have grown to despise it. I don’t know when it happened it just did. Maybe because it just takes so much energy to shower. I don’t even stay in long, ten minutes tops, yet it still robs me of the energy for the day. Though this isn’t the case always. Sometimes if I take it a night it wakes me up and then I am up all hours of the night. It really is mind boggling how a shower affects me. You know you need to do it because of good hygiene and all but sometimes I just want to stay away from it because it bothers me so much. I usually try and take a shower every 3-4 days or so. I do this because my mother is always bitching about the water bill so that further causes me to wait until I am raunchy and smelly before I go. It is better in the winter time because the summer sucks. I sweat and you have to take a shower more just to get the stuff off you. I am lucky my hair is short and I don’t go out much because it gets greasy looking and once it starts itching I know I have no choice but to shower. I know you might think that this is silly but it really gives me anxiety.

I guess my pain meds have kicked in enough for me to try and shower. It will do one of two things, either wake me up or tire me out…

This time it tired me out. I took a three hour nap, which has been my norm the past few days. I think my meds may have something to do with it because within an hour or taking them I feel really sleepy.
On another note, I have been having strong urges to cut my leg the past 24 hrs. It sucks because I really think there will be a benefit to it while the medical professionals do not. It’s like an infection that needs debridement and I just feel that if I take the junk out, my leg will no longer be swollen anymore. My rational self still thinks this is a way bad idea. I know it probably is true but I hate being in pain all the time. So the question becomes, to cut or not to cut…

Stalker gone

So with my perception blog, I added it to my other blog and called it my last. I had a stalker on the other one and it crept me out that she was following what I was saying and needed my imput after every comment she posted. I don’t need that type of harrassment. I want to be able to write what I want and not worry about the content. I know my writing is pretty dark but being suicidal isn’t a life full of being in a rose garden, seeing things through rose colored glasses. It is about being in a dark place and my blog is my place to vent out my inner most thoughts of the darkest corners of my mind.  It is the abyss that I fall into that drives my writing and sadly if I’m not in it I cannot write about it.  If I don’t feel, I just cannot write. It is very rare that I write about happy stuff because it is too far and in between.  I tend not to trust it because I know I will be deeper in the abyss than I was the last time I was in it.

My doctor yesterday told me to lose weight so tonight instead of eating something I had a slim fast shake because I was hungry. I think my days are messed up because I don’t eat regularly through out the day and I might just have one meal a day.  Sometimes it is because I am too lazy to cook. Other times it is because I don’t know what I want. But I am going to try the shakes and see if I lose weight and am able to keep it off. I know I have gained weight over the past few months but being inactive will do that. I would love to walk but it causes me too much pain. I have a nice lump on my leg right now telling me I did too much today though I hardly did anything worthy of it swelling. I spend most of my time cooped up in my room because it’s cooler than the rest of the house. I will be the first to admit I am a lazy bastard but when you have chronic pain, there really is no way of being an active bastard. I wish I was working or was able to do volunteer work. I just don’t know. I’m not that much of an out going person.
Tomorrow I have an appt with my therapist that I hope I can keep. I truly cannot wait to talk with her as I have some stuff on my mind I need to get off my chest. Like am I truly a nothing? Lately I just feel like one. I feel that all I do doesn’t matter to anyone and people can care less about me. I don’t know why I feel this way but I do.
Meds are finally kicking in now so I think I will sign off for now. Such a relief for the pain meds to stop the crushing pains I feel every night.