Tag: edgar allan poe

Tell tale heart

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Feeling like I can’t sleep and hearing noises in my room. I know its just papers being rustled by the ceiling fan. I don’t know why I am still awake. I should have passef out hours ago. I just have this emptiness that won’t go away and gets worse when I lie down. Plus being in pain isn’t helping. I just took my 3rd pill of the night plus an extra ativan. I should be happy my baseball team won tonight but all I feel is darkness. I feel like the character in the tell tale heart from Edgar Allan Poe. There is this pounding in my chest and I fear it will wake up the household. But it is only me that hears it. Maybe it is guilt that I have not done anything to end my life. I just want to die. I can’t stop thinking about it. Today I had a new idea but am afraid of the consequences of being found by my nieces so it stops me.

I asked my therapist for another session today. I don’t know if it will be feasible. If not I asked for a check in. I really feel suicidal but I don’t want to talk about it. I never do. I can write about it, no problem. But to speak the words some how changes me because I realize either I am rational or irrational. Things make sense when I am suicidal. It makes me feel better knowing I have the one outlet no one can take away from me. But slowly, people have. They make me think of the survivors. As much as I am in pain, I don’t want to be the cause the pain of others. I don’t want to live yet there are voices that want me to die. I don’t like these voices and meds can’t get rid of them. They are the beatings of the tell tale heart. These are the true feelings I have. That is why my chest is so heavy. It is carrying the mother load of bad voices that are right. All I have to do is listen to them and know they are guiding me to freedom. But why can’t I follow them. The safety voices prevent this from happening. It is a struggle every night. I just want the psychache to stop. And the only way for it to stop is by killing myself.

In the thick of the Abyss

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, suicide, suicide attempt

I don’t know why but the past few days have my mood going down and down instead of in the opposite direction despite the changes in my circumstance. I now know how Poe felt when he wrote I am wretched and know not why. “My feelings at this moment are pitiable indeed.  I am suffering under a depression of spirits much as I have never felt before.  I have struggled in vain against the influence of this melancholy-you will believe me when I say that am still miserable in spite of the great improvements in my circumstances.  I say you will believe me, and for this simple reason, that a man who is writing for effect does not write thus.  My heart is open before you if it be worth reading. Read it.  I am wretched and know not why.  Console me-for you can. But let it be quickly or it will be too late.  Write me immediately. Convince me that it is worth one’s while -that it is all necessary to live, and you will indeed prove yourself my friend.  Persuade me to do what is right. I do not mean this- I do not mean that you should consider what I now write a jest-oh pity me! For I feel that my words are incoherent- but I will recover myself.  You will not fail to see that I am suffering under a depression of spirits which will [not fail to] ruin me should it be long continued.” edgar allan poe

 I truly think that I am a bad person who just deserves evil things to come at me not good. I can’t understand why though. People say that I write good but I think it’s crap. I am supposed to have this editorial position but yet I don’t think I should have it despite the person who wants me to have this job thinks I should. I know she is a better judge of character. I just can’t see anything but darkness right now and for someone to tell me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, well let’s just hope they don’t because I know I will dope slap them. There is no light as far as I can see. Today is a dreary day and it should make me happy but instead it just eases my gloom because it’s how I feel. I started feeling down Sunday and it’s now Tuesday. I don’t see my mood changing. What is worse is that I had an impulse to put a rope around my neck this afternoon soon as I got home from forcing myself out. It quickly went away but the thought unsettled me. I guess it doesn’t help that I can do this at anytime, anywhere I choose. It won’t take much to do. I just need the guts to do it. I am going down this road and it is horribly painful. I had another incontinent episode today so that further brought me down. You would think I would be used to pissing my pants but I am not. Yesterday I got awarded being disabled and I can’t help but think that I am been demoralized because of it. I no longer feel like I have a right to anything, much less life. It is the price you pay with a damaged nerve and damaged mind. I can’t go back and change things but I can at least appreciate things more. I just hope I am fit enough for the task ahead with this writing that I am doing but I am not so sure.

Writing has always been something that I do to pass time and it has worked well. When I am not writing, I am deeper in the abyss. There have been studies on it but I can’t think of who the guys are right now. Not that it really matter to you, my reader. I have wondered always if I am too smart for my own good. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not. I don’t know anymore. I just know my heart is broken and I don’t know what caused it to be this way. I am just so damn downhearted and it is just getting worse.