suicide attempt survivor – Page 4

rambling 62

Sun,29 Dec,2013, 12:24 by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, suicide attempt survivor

For want of a latte

I really want a latte today but it’s Sunday and it would take me at least 2 hours to get to Starbucks by public transportation. So I think I am just going to make a cup of coffee and work on my next book.

I know that I am technically not supposed to do any writing until the first/second of January but I am bored. I also know that I need to finished my ending for my book but I just can’t seem to focus on it. I think it’s done anyway and I don’t want to tinker with it.

I slept really good last night. I took my phone off the ringer and I am glad I did because I had like several messages from different apps that would have woken me up. I still am tired because I haven’t had any caffeine yet. I feel like I could go back to sleep and just sleep the day away. I don’t know why I don’t do that. It’s a dreary day anyways. I have no idea what time the Pats are playing today. Course, I am not that interested in watching them play. Last week was pathetic but we got the win. Well, it was pathetic on the other team’s side as we scored two touchdowns in the fourth quarter with in like two minutes. That made the score ridiculous. I could go online and check the time on NFL.com but why bother. I’ll know soon enough.

I cannot wait for baseball season to start. I miss it so very much. I started working on my next book chapter anyways and it sucks. I go on about how suicidal I am and what goes on and such. It’s lame. I don’t think I am going to touch it. I will hold onto it for sentimental reasons but I don’t think it will be included in the book as it is too depressing. I know my writing partner will want to be hopeful and cheery. But that is not how I write. I am not a cheery person, nor am I a positive person. I see the glass as half empty.

I need to shower today. My menses have stopped! Finally I get a breather! It’s back to boxers!! Maybe I will after I write this. I think in addition, I will include a writing about Aeschi in my next blog. I realized I don’t have a blog post that is just on the subject. I have one on CAMS but not Aeschi. That will give me something to focus on in the New Year. It will be really interesting where the New Year will lead me. I will have my first book published. I am kind of scared and happy this is going to happen. And the hardest part of this is that my family has no clue this is happening. Sure my sisters sort of know about it but my mother has no clue. Her family doesn’t have a clue. Some of them are on Facebook so they might have a clue. I don’t know. We aren’t exactly a close family. I know my father has no clue nor would I want him to. The book isn’t something that he would be showing off with pride because it deals a lot with my suicide demons. I still get frustrated when my co-writing friend calls me a “suicide attempt” survivor. I still don’t know why that is. Maybe it is just that I feel like I am being labeled and I don’t like to be labeled or there is a hint of shame in that that I am suppressing. Whatever it is, I am really hurt by it. But it’s true and that is the sad part.

I don’t think hurt is really the word I am looking for. Embarrassed? I don’t know. But when she says it, I just feel something and it is hurtful. Question is why. I guess when I talk with my therapist on Thursday I will ask her.

issues of control and books

Thu,14 Nov,2013, 15:41 by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide, suicide attempt survivor

I finally got Andrew Solomon’s new book Far From The Tree today and as expected, it is big! I am glad I got the hardcover and not the paperback because I know I probably would have wrecked the spine. I don’t know when I am going to start reading it. My reading concentration has been nil since finishing Team of Rivals. I have been trying to get into a Harry Potter book but even that seems overwhelming to me and I love reading Harry Potter. Chock it up to the depression being lousy. I still have at least three other book that I have not read but are on my list. One is a book about the American Revolution, a Civil War battles book, and another book on Lincoln. Can you tell I love history?? I also have others that I won’t mention because they will cover the whole spectrum of things. I always seem to buy books, a lot, in a short period of time and then when it comes time to reading them, I can’t decide which one to choose. And I have to say there are at least two books on my Kindle that are not read yet. I am an avid reader. I still have not finished re-reading Noonday Demon, though at this present time, I don’t know where it is. I know it is in one of my many bags.

I still have a clinical book, cognitive therapy for suicide behavior, that I have not finished. I will have to read that over because I forgot where I left off. If I start reading a book and leave it off in the middle for a long time, in this case more than a year, I usually start from the beginning just to refresh the old noodle.

I am having a slow day today. I just woke up from a nap and was hoping the mail came so I can have my World Series Baseball cap but looks like just the bulk mail got delivered. Dammit! I have decided that in order for me to cut my hair short again, I have to lose at least five pounds in the next two weeks. Which is going to be difficult because I love Thanksgiving and my mother is making the turkey and desserts. So much delicious food. Will I have the will power to stop myself from overeating?? Probably not which is why I am starting the diet today so I can indulge a little bit next week. But for right now I have to stay away from my mother’s chocolate chip cookies. They are my true weakness.

A friend of mine asked me to be part of a research study and it had a follow up interview as part of the thing. I should have said no and went on my way but I like taking parts in interviews. This one is about suicide attempt survivor and some family related stuff, which I don’t think it going to be useful to her because my family knows of three possible attempts and not the many. It is going to be tough and I am not sure I can do this. But then I always think of the worse and it never ends up being that way.

I have set my goal for the rest of the month. If I can get to page 100 I will get myself Starbucks coffee for home use. This way I don’t have to worry about going out for coffee on those days that I need to stay home. I just have to make sure I have half/half. I am thinking about making coffee now so I will stop here to have my fix.

a hodgepodge of blogs

Thu,7 Nov,2013, 1:00Thu,7 Nov,2013, 0:27 by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

I am feeling a little lost. I was supposed to kill myself today. That was the plan for the longest time. But then I thought, “I don’t feel like killing myself.” That doesn’t mean I’m not suicidal. I just feel like I let myself down, again. I don’t know why I bother saying I am going to kill myself if I’m not going to go ahead with it. I’ve “cried wolf” so many times that I actually think I’m not capable of killing myself, despite coming up with elaborate plans to do so. I really wish my body would wake up and realize how dead I feel inside.

Ever since I read an article about the reactions of people who survive suicide attempts, I’ve been thinking about this. I am a multi-attempt survivor. Maybe my ratio of reasons to live vs. reasons to die is not high enough, or maybe I suck at trying to kill myself. Maybe I’m not meant to die, my time truly has not come, but I digress. There were nights I hated myself for surviving my attempts, and I still do.

Suicide attempters can be a challenge to clinicians. How to deal with this population that is at risk for attempting again? Research suggests that asking how they feel about their attempt is useful. A 2005 study by Gregg Henriques, and others found that people who were glad to be alive or were ambivalent did not go on to kill themselves, while those who felt they intended to die were 2.5 times more likely to end their life later. This could explain why some people attempt suicide once and never do it again, and why some people continue to try.
I was not glad that I survived. I was not feeling ambivalent. But I think some people do have these feelings, and they go on living. Yes, they have attempted, but it brought the realization that they were glad they survived. It’s something I have never experienced.
Reactions to how an attempter feels afterward can be an important clinical assessment. If we ask how people felt when they first survived, we might find a clue and prevent another attempt.

My therapist and I have tried to work on what to do if “Mr. Hyde” shows up while she is on vacation. But the thing is, I don’t feel the need to ask for help. I go about my business like I normally do, except that I write dark stuff and plan the end of my life. I am beyond hopeless, so what would be the point of reaching out? All I need is a pad and pen or my laptop, and I’m good. I express all the dark stuff on paper, or I send messages to people I care about, telling them I love them and that I will be in a better place. It seems normal to me, but I know it’s not normal when I wake up from this dream/dissociative state. The yellow legal pad, or the messages I get in the morning, remind me it wasn’t a dream. That I wasn’t in my “right” mind at all.

I think the stigma around suicide needs to change. People need to be able to think about suicide like they do vanilla ice cream. They like it or they hate it, but vanilla ice cream is still going to be around. As long as there are conscious people, there is going to be suicide. It might be by like people like me who are in chronic pain and suffering from depression. It might be by people who have voices telling them they should not be around anymore. But I do know that people should listen to the person who is bringing up thoughts of death or thoughts of killing themselves or harming themselves. The stigma needs to stop. The hurting needs to stop. I hope that people will read this and know they are not alone. The feeling of being able to talk about this openly needs to spread. Too many people feel they are crazy, and they don’t need to feel that way. Too many people seek help and are turned away because they have suicidal thoughts and need help. They just need an understanding ear and an open mind.

So the next time someone is thinking about death or thinking about killing themselves, I hope you ask them why, and listen. Because hearing their story is going to be the deciding factor for whether that person lives or dies.
My therapist often asks me how I get through this. There is a quote that I got from one of Kay Redfield Jamison’s books: “Only one option left, to suffer.” She is my inspiration, as she has bipolar disorder, tried to kill herself and is one of the leading researchers of the disorder.

I know it sucks, but the trick is to realize that when we feel this way, it is not our true selves. It’s the disorder talking. One reason why I’ve read so much about depression _ and there are a lot of good books out there, _ is that you have to know the disorder, understand it, before you can know what to do. Sometimes knowing the demons is better than not knowing them. I know that it isn’t always easy when our physical bodies wreck our lives and we have physical pain that drives us insane. But things aren’t always going to be this way. It doesn’t last. Eventually it lifts. The hardest part of this disorder is that we forget that we have survived the worst of it. Every time we are stuck in an episode, we think it’s for the first time, that we are never going to feel better, ever.

I am telling you that you are.