RAMBLING 40

There have been many times in the past few days with this pain cycle I am going through that I have wanted to just throw in the towel. but then I can’t be there for my mom and that bothers me. I hate to think that if I wasn’t here on Tuesday, if I had gone to Framingham like I was hoping, I would have lost my mother. I know my sisters would never forgive me. I just feel with this much pain I just can’t fucking cope. How can you cope with this shit. this shit is so fucking tough to deal with. I take my meds and I usually get knocked out. I took them today as if they were nothing. I am still coherent and not drunk but my foot is still rearing its ugly head saying I am still here and you can’t do nothing to touch me. i just took my second round and i am wondering if i am going to sleep tonight. Ice just made my foot numb but then the feeling came back worse. And yet I still have to live and put on a happy face because I can walk “correctly” and look good to people. Fuck that shit. I am done being the nice guy. I will tell people I am struggling but I never mention suicide. I told my friend in the UK my plan and all she can say is don’t do anything silly. What am i supposed to do? I can’t cut my foot off, though I would love to. at least with the possible phantom pain I will have a reason for the pain and maybe welcome it better. I don’t know. what I am reading about suicide doesn’t cover chronic physical pain. I took a psychache assessment today but couldn’t finish it because my head can’t distinguish my physical from psychache. I have no idea if I am making sense or if i am rambling so I will stop here.