I can’t sleep. I have slept most of the day. I was woken up almost 24 hrs ago to my mother being on the floor. She fell after what I think was a hypoglycemic attack. She was all sweaty and disoriented and her speech was a little slurred despite her sugar being in the low 70’s. It took me a while to get back to sleep, despite being drugged. I had to check my Facebook for my game rewards and found out the Sox won in dramatic fashion. I then read for a little bit before finally succumbing to sleep around 5 in the morning.
I still have my fucking menses and what is worse is that every morning this week I have woken up to my pants being soiled. I am not very happy. This mense shows no sign of stopping any time soon, though the flow is lessening somewhat. I am getting to be very depressed and thoughts of not waking up in the morning are getting more and more prominent.
I finally got back to reading “Team of Rivals” and the Civil War has just commenced. I am finding out more about the battle and how difficult it was giving up loyalties and such. I can’t imagine what commissioned officers went through to decide to be for the Union or for the Confederacy. And it is a miracle that the White house wasn’t occupied at any time to be burned to the ground as it was in the middle of all the fighting!! I am also surprised that no one thought to move the capital to a safer place, like New York rather than stay in Washington. But what is done, is done. I think it is funny that the first lady, Mary Todd had a competitor for the best dressed house in Kate Chase, one of the cabinet members Daughters. Both decided to have elaborate dinners and such for appearances purposes. But then, that is what they did for fun in those days. I also find it interesting that Lincoln’s boys were disruptive during cabinet meetings and such. I bet that does not go on today. I can’t imagine Obama’s daughters charging in during a meeting to play.
Since I have been sleeping most of the day, I have not had any coffee. I didn’t go out yesterday because I didn’t feel like it and today I didn’t because I didn’t wake up will almost 1500. I couldn’t have coffee at that hour because I know I would still be up at this hour but with more energy than I have right now.
My writing partner has reviewed my relationship paper and given me some pointers on it. I have not had the chance to write it. I kind of not been in the mind to finish it. She said it was a good paper. I just got to do it. I am glad there is no deadline for working on this paper. Otherwise I would be screwed. I hopefully will be able to work on it tomorrow if I am able to get back to my routine. I guess with my therapist on vacation, I have really not stuck to my schedule of waking up and getting dressed to get coffee.
I bought pizza today because I felt like it, and fries. I am a fries addict. I love fries, except sweet potato ones. Actually any type of fried white potato I like. Then my mother made chicken cutlets and I was like damn, I wasted my money. Oh well, I will have pizza for lunch tomorrow. Nothing tastes good as cold pizza and cold chicken.
I miss having my routine where I go to Starbucks. But I got to figure out why I have been getting anxiety attacks on the bus. It’s been happening more and I don’t know if it is anxiety or paranoia, or both. I just know I start feeling weird, especially when the doors start to get blocked by people standing in the isle. I can’t stand it. Then I start getting nervous and panic. There is no reason why I should panic, other than I fear for their safety. But other than that, I don’t know why I get so nervous.
I have been thinking about my date. It’s coming up in 15 days. I can’t help but think about it. BOTH my pdoc and therapist are on vacation that weekend. It would be a perfect time to act. And I just thought about another way of killing myself so it would be cool to try it out. If it fails I could always go back to what I really want to try. I just don’t see the point in living when I have all these issues that make me want to die. I know there are people fighting for their life with cancer while I am somewhat healthy and all but I would gladly exchange my life for theirs if it meant I would die and they would live. I hate being in a female body. I hate being in chronic pain all the time. I hate being in pain for no good reason other than just for “fun” with my nerves being out of whack. I really wish I was dead. I hope that wish comes through one day.
midnightdemons7 