I have been having some weird pain in my left hip the past couple of days. If it was a one time deal, I wouldn’t be worried about it. But every time I sleep on my right side, my left hip goes berserk. It’s like getting zapped with an electric prod of some type. I never have had nerve pain like that so tonight I decided to look up the dermatome map to see what nerve pathway could be causing this. It is the L3 nerve. Just great. It’s the section I had surgery on almost seven years ago. I am really nervous now. But I know the first thing the doc is going to say is lose weight, which I have been trying to. I have been eating cereal rather than making something else to eat, like a fried egg. Course that is the only thing I do know how to make. I can’t make something fancy like poached eggs because I usually end up making it a hard boiled egg. Or egg drop soup. I usually have my mother make it for me if I am in the mood for it.
SO I have this new weird pain that may or may not mean anything. I am not having any weakness but my foot is wicked hurting me for the past few night really bad. This is despite me not doing anything and I don’t know if it is the position I am sitting in that is causing it to feel this way or what. I just know that when I lie down, all hell breaks loose. It’s like sitting up is the only way for my body not to hurt. Trouble is, I CAN’T SLEEP SITTING UP!!
I was going through my legal pad of paper today as there is a lot that I have rolled back and came across my letter to my psychiatrist about ending my life. There was soo much more I wanted to put in it but I think what I wrote is to the point and says what I need it to say. It is a really sad letter. I feel like bringing it to her at my next appointment, but at the same time I don’t think it will be a good idea as she might hospitalize me. I still am thinking about ending my life but a week later, the 23rd of Aug when I turn 37 yrs 8 mths old. It just some how works out in my head that way. I really want to stick around to see if the Red Sox make it to the play offs. I think they will but I am not sure. The bullpen has not been really strong but the new addition of Peavy is fun to watch. He likes to talk to himself on the mound. It’s like watching Dennis Eckersley on the mound. And he is a good pitcher, just like Eck.
I just feel like I have to do something to try and make my life better and killing myself is the only option I have. I don’t want to be anymore. I am so tired of fighting myself all the time. Of fighting to deal with this pain every fricken day. It is so tiring an no one knows except my fellow CES friends and bloggers. I can’t tell my family because they just say go to the doctors. The doctors don’t have any answers for me anymore. And I am scared to death that this new pain policy is going to be the death of me anyways. Might as well kill myself now and get it over with. I am sick of fighting for my pain meds. My one relief I can count on is a couple of pills a day, sometimes more. But lately I don’t feel like I deserve it. I feel like I should be in pain because I am a bad person so I wait until the pain is a 10 before I pop a pill. No one has told me otherwise. No one has cared enough to tell me when I should and shouldn’t take my pain meds except the voices. They know how I should take my meds and when I need it sometimes before I do. They sometimes are helpful but lately they really want me to OD on them in ways that I don’t like. I rather take a bottle of Tylenol than OD on my meds. And besides, it isn’t going to kill me. It might make me sick but that is all. I would need at least a three month supply of meds to kill myself and I don’t have it, nor can I stock up on it because that would mean not taking my meds and I NEED relief more than I need a method of killing myself.
I don’t know if I mean that I will kill myself. I know some day I will do it but I don’t follow through on my taking off or planning dates. The 17th will be here before I know it. But I just found out it is my friend’s birthday so I can’t do it on that day. I don’t think it would be right. It would so be a slap in the face. But that is not the person I am. I hate being in pain tonight. I don’t know how much meds I will take to make myself go to sleep. I still have a bottle of Neurontin I can take but I doubt it will do anything but zone me out.
midnightdemons7 