medication and feeling scared

Meds and being scared

Yesterday I was in a panic more so when I have to take a bus some place. My hands were trembling uncontrollably for several hours. I was scared. Then when I started writing with pen and paper, it got worse. The only other time this has happened to me was when I was on high doses of trilafon. But I am not taking trilafon for my psychotic symptoms. I am taking another medication called Abilify. And it is causing these symptoms. I am scared because it might mean I have to get off this med and if I do, the voices will run rampant and I will have to be back in the hospital. Usually, taking the Ativan will help bring me down and so far today I don’t have any symptoms. I emailed my doc and she has not responded so I think I am on my own with this. I wish she would respond so that I know I am on the right course. I skipped my dose last night and I am only taking half the dose tonight. We’ll see if I get any symptoms tomorrow.

I have been on this drug for more than a year now. I have never had to take a long term anti-psychotic drug before. Usually the bad voices would go away after taking the meds for few weeks and then I could stopped taking them but after my psychotic break in 2008, this has not been the case. One doctor called me schizoaffective because my symptoms were so bad they were considering putting me on clozaril. But then during one of my admissions I was placed on Abilify and it worked for me better than any other drug. I can no longer take Seroquel or risperadone because they give me worse side effects. I rather have the trembling than my legs kicking uncontrollably or my heart giving me palpitations.

Right now the voices are under control. I am still having break throughs. I have a new voice that likes to talk to me just as I am falling asleep. She just pops her head in and starts talking away. I don’t suffer from visual hallucinations but if I did, that is what I imagine is happening. Then the other voices start up and chime in with their own questions and wondering why I am still here and why am I not working so I have to go into that whole debacle. Or the other voices will talk with the new voice and the whole thing will keep me up because I get agitated by them interfering with my sleep. I sometimes have to referee them. It is very exhausting keeping up with them while listening to music to try and drown them out.

If I have to stop this medication, things will change. I really don’t want the paranoia and delusions to come back. I don’t want the commanding voices to start up again. I will not be able to function. I will really hate not being on this medication. But I am hoping, that I can take another medication to counteract its affects. I kind of feel like Dr. Pearce from Perception where he goes through life unmedicated and still be able to function to some degree. He is able to embrace the voices that he knows are not real. I don’t want to go through that. I went through it once and it was not pleasant. I can handle the three or four voices regularly but I can’t handle the paranoia and delusions. That is more debilitating to me than a conversation of voices in my head.