research and school

The sound of a million dreams has been running in my head the last few times I have been up in my room. So I had to play the song sung by David Nail. I love this song very much. It has some pretty cool lyrics.

I didn’t know if I would write today. I have written a three page letter to my therapist on the events of the day and feel pretty worn out. I then wrote a few pages in my journal. I left off in my journal about grief affecting my suicidal state. Then the bus came and disrupted my train of thought.

Today’s mail brought me the latest journal Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior. It had a few articles of interest. One article was about treatment resistant depression. Another dealt with the future aspect of time in relation to suicide. The other one that I read with interest was Suicide of the patient, the experience of a Flemish psychiatrist. I find it interesting that most male psychiatrists had a higher proportion of suicides as opposed to female and that Belgium had the highest suicide rate than the US. There is also an article on escape theory that I have not read yet. I get excited when I get this journal. I feel connected to the suicide people through it. I wish I still had access to my work’s network to get research articles on my favorite researchers. I feel so left out because I have to rely on doing pubmed searches but sometimes I don’t get it all because it focuses more on medicine than psychology. So if it is not in a medical journal, I will have trouble finding it. I loved to use psychLit for my searches. I know I need to go back to school but it isn’t practical right now because I just can’t afford it.

It saddens me that I can’t go back to school and I know it is my fault. All the should have’s go through my head and if Only’s. I could have been a PhD by now if I didn’t have my illness and setbacks as much as I have had. It really kills me that I should me further along than where I am right now and I am not. My niece will probably get her doctorate before I can even finish my bachelor’s degree. It’s so messed up.

4 thoughts on “research and school

  1. I’m frustrated to. One of my younger sisters already has her BA and the other has a couple years left. Both worked throughout college and struggle with school. Frustrates me when I think how much “potential” I had.
    How do you get the publication? Can you link me to a site, I might be interested in subscribing.


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