pain and baseball

Game time is in a half hour from now. I don’t know if I am going to watch it. I have been in a blah-exhausted mood all day. I didn’t sleep too well last night as I woke up at three in the morning. Researchers are now saying that this is how people in the 1800s slept. They would sleep and then be up for a few hours in the wee hours of the morning and then go back to sleep. I don’t see how this was as most people got up at the crack of dawn to do farm work. I am usually going to bed at the crack of dawn. That seems to be my norm lately.

My writing buddy has completed her 100 pages for her new manuscript for the month. I have been her coach. Made me think that I should have some writing goals to do in order to get my book done. I just don’t know if I can be held accountable for it though. So I am going to try and write at least two pages in my book a day and see where that gets me at the end of September. Thing is this is hard. Writing about my past is harder than I thought it would be.

Tonight my brother in law’s brother came over for dinner. We get along pretty well and he asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was writing a book and he asked what was the subject matter. I wanted to tell him about suicide attempts but my family was there and I didn’t want to divulge this information. I have told people I am writing a book but no one has really asked what it was about. So I told him it was about my depressions and hospitalizations, which is essentially true. I just didn’t feel comfortable telling anyone that it is about my suicide attempts. I am publishing the book under my pen name.

I guess I could listen to the game, even though it might put me to sleep. I am so damn tired. I had to take a couple of pain pills because I took a shower and my ankle got angry at me. I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I have decided that any pain above a 6 on a scale of 1-10 is going to be medicated. I usually just take a pill if my pain is above a 8 but by then it becomes impossible to control, sometimes. I never know when the pain is going to increase or decrease. Tonight, I just decided I wasn’t going to wait around. I have been going up and down the stairs today so I know my pain is going to increase sometime tonight. I don’t know why I feel I have to justify taking my meds. It should be easy right? You are in pain so you take something for it. But I have voices in my head that doesn’t want me to take any pills so I have them bantering me all the time. Even when I take my regular psych meds they are always interested. Why am I taking it, am I taking the right dose, etc. I can’t stand it when I am hounded all the time every time I crack open a pill bottle.

I am listening to the game. I always know when Adrian Gonzalez is up. He fricken has the cuckaracha music. Drives me insane, most of the intro music for the Dodgers has been awful. All Latin music, which I do not like. And this jackass just hit a home run. On another baseball note, I got followed today by a Toronto Blue Jay. That has to be weird as I am a Red Sox fan. I don’t know why these people will follow me, but oh well. Long as they don’t cause trouble I let them be.

any thoughts?

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