Today has been a quiet day for me. My only goal for the day was to go to the post office and mail a letter. It didn’t happen. I woke up in pain and been nursing my foot ever since. I woke up after having a disturbing dream. In the dream, I was being laughed at because of my pain. These two nurses or something similar I am not sure, were laughing because they couldn’t believe that my pain was so bad that it needed pain medication. So they laughed at me. Then when I was telling them I had nerve pain in the foot, they laughed harder. I was feeling sorry for myself in this dream and wondered if I am laughable. This pain has been going on for so long, I wonder if there is anything other than pain medication to help me anymore.
I fell back asleep only to find myself in another retarded dream. I got up but my foot was still hurting me. I then was extremely nauseous. I had to lie down and take my anti-nausea pill. I just couldn’t understand why I was so sick. I know it probably had to do with not eating anything all day and just taking my pain medication on an empty stomach. I just didn’t feel hungry today.
The earlier dream really got to me though. I know it was just a dream, that it wasn’t real. But it felt real. I don’t know why this dream struck a cord with me so much. It really got me thinking that this is how I perceive myself, as a laughing matter. Or maybe it is just that I don’t think people are believing me anymore when I tell them I have pain. I know my pain is real. It is incapacitating and debilitating. I can’t do anything, walk, go up stairs, stand, nothing that I used to do before. Funny (not ha ha) that I relearned to walk twice in my life and now I can’t enjoy it.
I know my therapist is going to ask me what do you think this means. I don’t know what it means really. It is just a dream in which I felt like I was a joke. That no one really believes I am in pain anymore and that I am ashamed of myself for some reason.
It’s a little after 0530 in the morning. I woke up around 0500. I was in a lot of pain. I didn’t dream I was in pain, I just woke up being in pain. My leg and my ankle were killing me. So I took some thing for it. I hate when I wake up in the wee hours of the morning. It usually means I am going to have a rough day. I am trying to stay awake for as long as possible so that I can maximize my sleep. Only trouble is that I have an appointment with my therapist at noon time so I can’t be totally asleep. I have my alarm set for 1015 to wake up. Now I am thinking that is too early as it will only give me about a 4 hour snooze, if I go to be within the next half hour. I haven’t had any weird dreams last night, least none that I can recall.
My one goal for the day is to mail my therapist’s packet of letters that I wrote her while she was on vacation. And if I am feeling up to it, to clean my car. I still have not done so all summer. I keep putting it off every day. I just don’t have the motivation to do it. I really need to take down the transponder for FastLane. I hope I can do it without breaking the windshield of my car. Once I get it cleaned out, I can call the junk service people and get it out of my hair. And hopefully, have some money in my pocket for a while.
I really hope that my therapist doesn’t read too much into my dream as I have. I still can’t get it out of my head. I have been trying to forget about it but it still there, and the feelings that are associated with it are too. I don’t know why my sisters were in the dream. They didn’t do anything to help with this stupid lady laughing at me. But it was just a dream. Just a dream.