a story and pain

I have been continuing to add to the “darkness always win” blog that I wrote the other day. I am trying to channel the inner darkness and write it out but it is very hard to do when I don’t feel that way all the time. I felt a little bit of it today so wrote some more but have not typed it up in the word doc. I am really tired. I literally spent the day at Starbucks just writing. I also went to my eye doctor who said that I have just a bad migraine without pain when my eyes don’t focus the way they should. I guess I was more worried about the appointment than I should be as I felt so relieved I almost had to take a nap afterwards. I have been up since eight. I finally got some good sleep. I am hoping to stay up late tonight so I can finish working on this darkness story.

It is cold where I live. And supposed to snow tomorrow night into the next day. I hope they are wrong as that will mean I won’t be able to go out until Thursday. I have to be careful when it snows because I can easily slip and twist my already sore ankle. I wore the AFO today and it was good to wear it as I am not in a lot of pain tonight. I hope that continues but my foot is getting colder as I am typing this. UGH I think I am going to have to take some Neurontin if it gets hot. I hate the burning of nerve pain. Nothing helps but Neurontin and sleep aids (Ativan).

I hope I am not getting sick. I have been sneezing for the last twenty minutes. I hate when I have a sneeze attack. I don’t feel ill, so that is good. But I am tired. I don’t know if I am going to make it till nine tonight but I got to try and stay up late because otherwise I will wake up at three in the morning. That’s not fun! I swear, since losing my job, my sleep cycle has gotten worse because I have no set schedule anymore. I am tired I lie down and if I sleep, so be it. If I wake up in the middle of the night, so be it. I just play my game and be up a few hours and then go back to sleep. Granted it gets more complicated by pain, but lately, my pain levels have been, well all over the place. One day I won’t have any pain and the next it will be soaring high. I think since taking the Neurontin the other night, my pain has been less or I don’t think about it as much. It still throbs every day regardless. It just the level of throbbing that gets to me. Right now it’s at a level of 3 on a scale of 1-10. That could change when my foot warms up and I am ready to sleep. Also for some reason my right foot has been giving me grief in the morning. Naproxen has been able to control it for now but usually, once I start moving about, the pain stops. I think it’s just a muscle thing. I hope it’s not a fascititis thing as that will never go away! I hate it when my left foot gets really cold. I have a sock on it and it is under a comforter and sheets. Just not looking forward to the warm up part of it. I go through this almost every night. It gets cold, then really hot and finally I have to sleep with the foot hanging off the bed because anything that touches the foot will hurt like hell. Classic nerve pain or CRPS. I don’t know which diagnosis I prefer. I just know that either is painful enough to send me into a suicidal crisis if severe enough. And I am not talking about a level of 3. I am talking an 8+ or when there is no level to describe the pain.

I have finally figured out a way to pay off the editor sooner rather than later. My mother has decided to lessen the amount this month that I give her. With this money, though I am supposed to use it for my membership to the AAS, I have decided to pay off the editor so it’s not hanging on my head anymore and maybe that will be incentive for her to push up my number or something. I just want to publish my book and sooner rather than later before the doubts that I am having take hold full force. Because once I hit the send button or publish button, I can’t stop it. Screaming at the computer screen to cancel is not going to work. I have done that with text messages and other emails. You hit send, that is it. It is on the web forever. And I don’t think there is an eraser button for the internet.