i am a wimp

I must be coming down with a cold or something. I have been sleeping on and off all day today. I just can’t seem to get enough sleep. I had a good night sleeping but today I needed more.

I haven’t worked on anything because I have been so sleepy. I think I am going to try and make this a short blog so I can go back and lie down. Funny thing is, I don’t feel sick, though I have been sneezing like crazy. Maybe it’s just allergies or something. Or maybe I am just depressed. I haven’t felt energetic at all since Friday. Yesterday I had a pain flare up so was in bed most of the day sleeping off my pain meds. But today I am not in pain too much. This morning was rough but it seems to have settled down some. I went down to my sister’s apartment and my foot didn’t spaz out on me so that was good.

I feel bad that I haven’t been writing anything but my blog. I know there is no time table for my other writing but I feel like by not working on it a little every day is putting me behind. I don’t know why I feel that way but I do.

I guess I have been depressed because all I want to do is sleep. I don’t want to do anything else. I had wanted to change my sheets this weekend but that will have to wait another day. I am too comfy in my current bedding to change it to fleece sheets. I know they will be much warmer than my current sheets, especially as the temp is still below 20 degrees.

Last night I felt really suicidal for the first time in weeks. I didn’t do anything but think about how bad my life is with pain and how much it sucks that I can’t do what I used to do anymore. My doc wants me to see a new podiatrist. What this guy is supposed to tell me that I haven’t already heard is beyond me. I am going to try and call tomorrow. Maybe I can get my other calls in as well. Though I hate being on the phone making appointments. You are always put on hold forever. I just get impatient. And what is the point of making appointments if I am going to die anyways. I keep hoping I will die of a heart attack or stroke or some other cardiac event. I am too depressed to see myself live long enough to see myself successful. I am just a wimp. I think I am going to go back to sleep now. Until domani.

One thought on “i am a wimp

  1. DysthymiaBree

    Oh wow, you really are suffering at the moment, you poor thing 😦
    Hypersomnia is one of the ‘joys’ of depression. I suffer from bad depression and – lucky me! – I vacillate between hypersomnia (excessive sleepiness) and insomnia (the better known lack of sleep). So what you’re experiencing is real, it has a proper medical name and all, and is part of your depression.
    Hope tomorrow’s phone calls aren’t too taxing. Good luck.

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