cabin fever and psychoanalysis

I have been feeling cooped up as I have not gone out of the house, with the exception of picking up my prescriptions yesterday. That didn’t take too long, I might have been out of the house for at least thirty minutes or so, maybe less. Today I had no intention of going out but I have been stuck in my room because I really don’t want to eat all the food in the house. My appetite is crazy and I don’t know why that is. I know part of it has to be because of boredom. I am also alternating with eating and sleeping so I know the depression is still kicking around. But I need to get out of the house. The weatherman say a storm might hit tomorrow. He isn’t sure. Guess it depends on the currents and such. I hope it doesn’t as I really want to get out of the house tomorrow and have a jittery latte. I will be a bundle of nerves when I see my pdoc. That will be great! My not having coffee or caffeinated drinks is making me intolerant when I do have them.

I also have been craving alcohol, and not the rubbing kind. I have been having a drink here and there but now I seem to want it every day. I am really craving whiskey and I know it has to do with the increase in seeing my father more. He brings out the best in me. I tolerate him by drinking. Bad habit, I know, but I very rarely drink otherwise. And being stuck in the house is not helping the craving. I also want gin. I actually bought a whole bottle but only have had a sip of it. I like these drinks straight up, with no other liquid or juice, unless it’s other alcohol. Then it’s ok. I am not an alcoholic. I drink infrequently to be one. But when I do, it’s like the flood gates open. I drink until I get sick and then I stop drinking. I am a binge drinker, I will admit to that. I don’t know how I am going to handle dealing with my father’s illness and taking him to the doctors every couple of weeks for his blood test. I just want to drink. If I can’t kill myself, I will drink. I still owe my adoptive father a shot when he passed away. I will drink to his memory too.

Because I was bored out of my tree, I decided to pick up “the Savage God” and read where I left off. It was interesting reading this book when you are not so suicidal. Things actually make sense. Though the author was talking about Freud and his ideas of suicide and some other psychoanalyst I have never heard of, the concepts were valid in a weird way. Now I have not been in the psych field long enough to really give Freud his due. I did study psychology as an undergrad but it has been years since psych 101. I do actually plan on taking the course again so I can refresh my memory a bit. The author was also talking about the ego, superego, and Id. I forget which is which so I was just going by what the author was saying. And that is why I need to take this course again. I will break down and go to the community college down the street from me. I just hope I can enroll as a non-degree student. Or even take it as a, damn I forget the word. It’s when you take a class but you don’t receive credit for it. I know I will remember this at two in the morning. GGRRR.

The gist of what I am trying to say was that Freud had no clue about suicide anymore than anyone else. He used the term death instinct but there was really no basis for this as other people who followed him found out. So the big psychoanalyst couldn’t explain suicide like he could his other theories. I find that a little disturbing but I really want to read his work on melancholia. I am fascinated by Freud. I once read his book on humor. It was dry as all hell and at times difficult to follow but it showed the analytical side of why people crack jokes. It was very interesting. Course I have no idea where that book is today as I would love to re-read it. I think it is my only book about Freud. I hope to own his collections one day. Though I know there are not that many psychoanalysts in the world today. You are more likely to find an eclectic therapist than you are a traditional psychodynamic one. Though there are other modes of therapy. You have cognitive, cognitive behavioral, and then behavioral therapy. There are others, such as humanistic and something that begins with an “ex” that I always forget but they are not so much around here.

I have an eclectic therapist which means she doesn’t focus on any specific form of therapy but knows of the different kinds of therapy. It helps to have this type of therapist because you can talk more freely, I think anyways. And there is less therapeutic interference such as homework and such. Usually, I am bringing material to her more than she brings the material to me. And usually I give her the homework. HA how is that!