Anorexia, another component of depression
Most people think that anorexia is an eating disorder, which it truly is. But I am using it in the context of no appetite. This is the third or forth day that I have eaten barely nothing. I had some cake and two hot dogs for the entire day. I just am not hungry like I used to be. Even eating the last hot dog was a challenge.
I slept all day, or tried to. I really didn’t leave my room except to use the bathroom and eat a little bit of cake. I only had two slices and that was it for the day. I only forced myself to eat the hot dogs because I needed something in stomach. It is so hard to eat when you don’t feel like eating.
Last night, I had the worst side effects of the abilify I had in a really long time. My hand cramped up and I could not get it to open. My arm just felt like a rubber ball being stretched to the match while my hand was tightly enclosed. It scared me. And I had to wait what felt like hours for the Ativan to work (it worked in like a half hour or less). Today my arm still felt weird so I took another Ativan to make it better. It worked. It also make me sleepy and I just now woke up enough to write this blog. I didn’t write one yesterday, or if I did, I don’t remember what I wrote about. Things seem all blurred this week because all I have been doing is sleeping.
I got an email from Amazon. My first paycheck from them is on the way! It will take about 5 days to process, so by Tuesday I should have money in my account, which will be good because I need some meds. Instead of buying a filet mignon, I am just going to go to a pub and get a cheeseburger BLT, when my appetite has returned. No point in getting it now as I probably will just take a bite and be full. In a way I am happy I have no appetite because that means I could potentially lose the weight that I has been stuck on me the past year. I really want to be below 200 and I know once it comes off there is a good chance it will stay off. I just got to watch what I eat. I am not doing this on purpose. I really have no appetite. But you do need some caloric intake to survive.
I have been ruminating today that I am a nitwit. I told my therapist that and she flipped out on me, but in a good way. She couldn’t understand why I felt like that. I still don’t. I guess I just feel really down that I just feel so stupid and like a nitwit. I don’t know where the feelings came from. I just know that it how I feel. I asked her if she was proud of me and instead of answering, she listed all my accomplishments over the past year. Sometimes, the reminder is all that you need. I was hoping that hearing these things would help my mood some but it didn’t. I still feel like a nitwit.
midnightdemons7 