Don’t know what day it is

Don’t know what day it is

Yesterday was a bad day of pain and hardly any sleep. My psych said she was going to call me but I had no idea what time she would call. I wasn’t hungry so I just had coffee. I really didn’t eat much Tuesday as I wasn’t hungry. My psych called me around 9 pm and I had fallen asleep. I didn’t get up till about an hour later. She left me a message saying to email or she will call today. I sent her an email and said I would see her next week and that I was ok. Then around midnight or maybe after, I emailed again saying I haven’t been eating and sleeping right. She responded this morning saying to contact my pcp and to call her tomorrow. So I left a message for my pcp. I honestly don’t think anything is wrong with me. I don’t feel sick or anything. I just don’t have a stinking appetite. I posted this on FB and a good friend of mine who works with trans teens said that T might causing either weight gain due to muscle mass increase or loss of appetite and weight loss. I didn’t know that. The docs have just told me that my weight would increase due to muscle gain. Who knew? I guess that is why. Maybe I should get some Ensure or something on days I have no appetite so at least I have something in my stomach. I also told my psych taking the ibuprofen on an empty stomach is causing me gastritis. She just referred me to see my pcp. I need to take the ibuprofen because my back is still sore. I have been getting away with just taking Tylenol. My back has been hurting me since Saturday because the temps and barometric pressure have been up and down like a damn yo-yo.

I haven’t heard from my pcp’s social worker. I had emailed her the same thing I emailed my psych on Mon about my suicidality. I sent her an email this morning (wee hours as I was up till 430 am) saying to ignore it if she hasn’t read it yet or to just ignore it if she has. I don’t think there is anything she can do for me, I honestly don’t. She can be my vent person but I wouldn’t be able to tell her about my suicidal feelings because I don’t know her very well. I also am reluctant to tell people how suicidal I am if I don’t trust them fully. That has often lead to me going to psych hospital and I do not want that right now. I think because of this, my psych has been in frequent contact with me.

I haven’t been able to do any clearing out of stuff the past few days. I wanted to shower today but my back is bothering me. I wanted to go to the store for some half and half but I knew my back would hate me. I had my cousin go and he got me a little thing of it. That will have to last until I get paid next week and can order groceries. I have to use a different place because my usual place is on strike. I don’t blame them as the company wants to decrease their healthcare benefits, their pensions, and other stuff that is money related. They are real crooks. So I am ordering from a different place, which is slightly cheaper anyways. I just have to change the ounces of my half and half to a half gallon now.

I might do somethings in my room, but I need to shower. One thing I have noticed with the testosterone is that my sweat odor is different and if I don’t shower every other day, I really stink. I have been sweating under the covers so I am getting to the stinking point. I also want to take advantage of my nephew being out so I can shave without suspicion. I am kind of nervous of having someone walk in on me while I am shaving naked. I hate even my mother walking in on me. I haven’t told my sister to not put stuff on the shower seat. I need it because my feet and/or back can be unpredictable and need to sit down. As much as I need to shower, I really don’t want to because my stupid back will protest.

Tomorrow I need to call my psych. I really don’t want to. I am still in the “I don’t want to talk to anyone” stage. I know she is worried about me but I would rather email her than talk with her. I have a feeling she is going to want to talk to me every other day until I see her Friday, maybe more. I don’t know. I am trying my best not to email her at all about how I feel. It just seems to make her more worried and increase contact. I just want to be left alone so I don’t think I will send anymore emails unless it is appointment related. Just will have to fake being okay even though I am not. I am good at that anyways…

Feeling horrible and slept all day

Feeling horrible and slept all day

I woke up around med time. My alarm went off at 8 instead of 9. Something is wrong with the app because it is not going off continuously to annoy me to get up. Just has the little sound and then nothing for the next 15 minutes or so. I don’t know what to do and am afraid of uninstall/reinstall thing. I would hate to input all my meds again. There are really just three that need alarms the rest are just as needed, when I need to keep track of when I last took them. I need to get in touch with the developer and see if they have an advice.

I took my meds and then used the bathroom but forgot to brush my teeth. I was kind of in a weird state where I really had no idea what I was doing there. I went back to bed, thinking I would sleep for a few hours and then I would get up to eat and make cookies. Did not happen. I woke up around 2pm after a weird dream about the Obamas and the White House. I don’t remember more than that. I used the bathroom and then brushed my teeth. I made some graham cracker cereal and found we were out of milk. That meant no cookies. I texted my sister to pick some up on her way home. My mother called to keep me in the kitchen until my niece came home so I could let her in the house.

I had coffee but it didn’t help. I went back to my room and succumbed to the sleepies. I thought I would sleep a couple hours but I slept until my night med time. Fuck. I wanted to order some steak tips but I think laying down so soon after eating the cereal messed up my stomach. Looks like the cereal is the only thing I am going to eat today. I feel horrible that I slept all day again today. Seems that on days I don’t have anything to do, like go to an appointment or something, I sleep. Granted the day after I have therapy, I am tired because I am usually up all night, but this time I wasn’t. I slept through most of the night at a decent hour. I just can’t force myself to stay up. I just feel like sleeping is better, but I am wondering how much of it has to do with depression and how much has to do with not sleeping and being in pain. I sent an email to my psych that the CRPS has spread to my whole foot. I am not happy about it. If you compare my left and right, the left is more swollen than the right and there is some redness at the arch. I hate this! I thought it was just because of the flare I had Monday but now doesn’t seem to be the case as my foot is still sensitive.

I am not liking all this sleeping. I don’t want to get in the habit of sleeping all day because I have the risk of being up all night and that is a bad thing for triggering my bipolar. I already had a few being up 15+ hours. I haven’t made it to 24 and I hope I never do. Closest I have ever come is 22 straight hours. I hate feeling terrible and after I had used the bathroom and went back to my room, and nearly fell because I almost lost my balance taking my slippers off, my foot then exploded in pain. Now I am not sure I am going to sleep again and I am pissed I woke up. Just let me fall into the death nap.

I have been worried about my eating, or lack thereof. I just did some calculation to figure out how many I need just to maintain my weight. But the problem lies with being male or female. If I am a male, it is over 1700. If I am a female it is 1600. I am a male but I am transgender and currently still in a female body so I am all fucking confused. I feel like I should go with the male because fuck, I am a male but yet in my medical records I am female. Fuck. I just am so fucking confused about this shit. I know it is a technical thing, and we are just talking 100 calories. That could be a protein bar, give or take. I know I have not been eating anything close to 1000 calories the last few weeks. Yet I haven’t lost that much weight. I maybe lost 1 pound or so in a week. And I have lost 8 pounds when I wasn’t eating anything, just a thing of ramen noodles for the day. The website I was at said that fasting like I have been aka not eating, can lead to gallstones. Great. Always wanted those, NOT. It is because I am breaking down muscle instead of fat. So I am losing muscle instead of fat. Lovely. I keep telling my doctors this but do they fucking listen?? No. do they order tests to see if my vitamins are okay and shit like that? No. so I could be malnourished and they don’t care about it. I hate taking vitamins and they aren’t cheap. I might take one here and there. But after a while, the gummy gets hard because the bottle was opened and air made them dry. I like gummies better than pills. But I am not going to buy a shit load of vitamins. I had the B vitamins that were sublingual. Those were good but then I stopped because I forgot to take them, and because they were under the tongue, you couldn’t put them in a med box. Plus they had red coloring that came off so if they stayed on your hand or some place, the red wore off. I hated this. I have no idea where I put them. I know I had a bottle on my bureau as I had two. But no idea where they are now. I wish there was a medical person I could talk to about this, someone that fucking cared about this shit and didn’t pass me off because they didn’t have a clue. I don’t even know who to see. Then I think of the trouble to figure it out and I don’t want to do anything. Add in the depression and nothing gets done about it. Fun. So I want to lose weight but no clue how to do it and yet I am barely eating because my appetite is fucked up. Just hope for my birthday, I have my pizza. Hope I eat more than one slice.

Anorexia and being a nitwit

Anorexia, another component of depression

Most people think that anorexia is an eating disorder, which it truly is. But I am using it in the context of no appetite. This is the third or forth day that I have eaten barely nothing. I had some cake and two hot dogs for the entire day. I just am not hungry like I used to be. Even eating the last hot dog was a challenge.

I slept all day, or tried to. I really didn’t leave my room except to use the bathroom and eat a little bit of cake. I only had two slices and that was it for the day. I only forced myself to eat the hot dogs because I needed something in stomach. It is so hard to eat when you don’t feel like eating.

Last night, I had the worst side effects of the abilify I had in a really long time. My hand cramped up and I could not get it to open. My arm just felt like a rubber ball being stretched to the match while my hand was tightly enclosed. It scared me. And I had to wait what felt like hours for the Ativan to work (it worked in like a half hour or less). Today my arm still felt weird so I took another Ativan to make it better. It worked. It also make me sleepy and I just now woke up enough to write this blog. I didn’t write one yesterday, or if I did, I don’t remember what I wrote about. Things seem all blurred this week because all I have been doing is sleeping.

I got an email from Amazon. My first paycheck from them is on the way! It will take about 5 days to process, so by Tuesday I should have money in my account, which will be good because I need some meds. Instead of buying a filet mignon, I am just going to go to a pub and get a cheeseburger BLT, when my appetite has returned. No point in getting it now as I probably will just take a bite and be full. In a way I am happy I have no appetite because that means I could potentially lose the weight that I has been stuck on me the past year. I really want to be below 200 and I know once it comes off there is a good chance it will stay off. I just got to watch what I eat. I am not doing this on purpose. I really have no appetite. But you do need some caloric intake to survive.

I have been ruminating today that I am a nitwit. I told my therapist that and she flipped out on me, but in a good way. She couldn’t understand why I felt like that. I still don’t. I guess I just feel really down that I just feel so stupid and like a nitwit. I don’t know where the feelings came from. I just know that it how I feel. I asked her if she was proud of me and instead of answering, she listed all my accomplishments over the past year. Sometimes, the reminder is all that you need. I was hoping that hearing these things would help my mood some but it didn’t. I still feel like a nitwit.