Don’t know what day it is

Don’t know what day it is

Yesterday was a bad day of pain and hardly any sleep. My psych said she was going to call me but I had no idea what time she would call. I wasn’t hungry so I just had coffee. I really didn’t eat much Tuesday as I wasn’t hungry. My psych called me around 9 pm and I had fallen asleep. I didn’t get up till about an hour later. She left me a message saying to email or she will call today. I sent her an email and said I would see her next week and that I was ok. Then around midnight or maybe after, I emailed again saying I haven’t been eating and sleeping right. She responded this morning saying to contact my pcp and to call her tomorrow. So I left a message for my pcp. I honestly don’t think anything is wrong with me. I don’t feel sick or anything. I just don’t have a stinking appetite. I posted this on FB and a good friend of mine who works with trans teens said that T might causing either weight gain due to muscle mass increase or loss of appetite and weight loss. I didn’t know that. The docs have just told me that my weight would increase due to muscle gain. Who knew? I guess that is why. Maybe I should get some Ensure or something on days I have no appetite so at least I have something in my stomach. I also told my psych taking the ibuprofen on an empty stomach is causing me gastritis. She just referred me to see my pcp. I need to take the ibuprofen because my back is still sore. I have been getting away with just taking Tylenol. My back has been hurting me since Saturday because the temps and barometric pressure have been up and down like a damn yo-yo.

I haven’t heard from my pcp’s social worker. I had emailed her the same thing I emailed my psych on Mon about my suicidality. I sent her an email this morning (wee hours as I was up till 430 am) saying to ignore it if she hasn’t read it yet or to just ignore it if she has. I don’t think there is anything she can do for me, I honestly don’t. She can be my vent person but I wouldn’t be able to tell her about my suicidal feelings because I don’t know her very well. I also am reluctant to tell people how suicidal I am if I don’t trust them fully. That has often lead to me going to psych hospital and I do not want that right now. I think because of this, my psych has been in frequent contact with me.

I haven’t been able to do any clearing out of stuff the past few days. I wanted to shower today but my back is bothering me. I wanted to go to the store for some half and half but I knew my back would hate me. I had my cousin go and he got me a little thing of it. That will have to last until I get paid next week and can order groceries. I have to use a different place because my usual place is on strike. I don’t blame them as the company wants to decrease their healthcare benefits, their pensions, and other stuff that is money related. They are real crooks. So I am ordering from a different place, which is slightly cheaper anyways. I just have to change the ounces of my half and half to a half gallon now.

I might do somethings in my room, but I need to shower. One thing I have noticed with the testosterone is that my sweat odor is different and if I don’t shower every other day, I really stink. I have been sweating under the covers so I am getting to the stinking point. I also want to take advantage of my nephew being out so I can shave without suspicion. I am kind of nervous of having someone walk in on me while I am shaving naked. I hate even my mother walking in on me. I haven’t told my sister to not put stuff on the shower seat. I need it because my feet and/or back can be unpredictable and need to sit down. As much as I need to shower, I really don’t want to because my stupid back will protest.

Tomorrow I need to call my psych. I really don’t want to. I am still in the “I don’t want to talk to anyone” stage. I know she is worried about me but I would rather email her than talk with her. I have a feeling she is going to want to talk to me every other day until I see her Friday, maybe more. I don’t know. I am trying my best not to email her at all about how I feel. It just seems to make her more worried and increase contact. I just want to be left alone so I don’t think I will send anymore emails unless it is appointment related. Just will have to fake being okay even though I am not. I am good at that anyways…

any thoughts?

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