Bad few days
Since Saturday, I have been having back pain. I didn’t do anything as I just woke up with it. The barometric pressure has been up and down like a yo-yo and temps have been crazy as well. I know once it levels off, I should be ok. In the meantime, it is hard to move and walk. Sitting is also difficult.
My mood has sucked all week. I have been having intense suicidal urges upon awakening and throughout the day. I sent my psychiatrist the post I posted on Monday. She said it was complex. I also sent the blog to my pcp’s social worker but have not heard back from her. I just feel like I don’t want any help right now. But my psych wants to know what I am up to and things because my suicidality has peaked. She also is not letting me be. Last Friday, she wanted me to call her midweek and if I didn’t, she would call me. Yesterday, she called me after I told her I wasn’t going to call her. I had gotten into an argument with my sisters and didn’t want to speak to anyone, much less her. I just don’t see the point. I am better off alone to deal with my stuff. I somehow get through it, though this time seems to be harder than it has been in the past. I kind of do but don’t want help. I don’t want help because I don’t think it will actually help me. I think it will just frustrate me yet the ingrained sense of “reaching out” when feeling this way is hard to resist. My psychiatrist has told me that if I feel like acting, I am to call her first. That kind of defeats the whole purpose of trying to act on my feelings. God I am so confused.
Last night, it was determined that my leather chair will be removed. I paid $300 for that chair. I thought about getting rid of my uncle’s desk but now I don’t want to. Fuck my sister for wanting to get rid of my things. She has threatened me that if she cleans my room and I don’t keep it clean she will “kill me”. On the other hand, if she does try, I will break her hands. My other sister wants me to get rid of books that I haven’t used in a long time. It is my books that I spent good money for. They aren’t getting rid of or placed in the basement to get musty or worse, ruined. I had books down there and they got ruined once. I am not going to do that again.
Because of my pain, I haven’t been able to do anything to clear my room or the boxes downstairs. Now they want to me to pack the stuff in my bedroom, to put in the living room. Where the fuck this stuff is to go, I have no clue. Fucking the office stuff is taking up a good portion of the living room already. I am just so stressed out and don’t even want to do a damn thing. Also I heard my sister tell my mother that I go out and have coffee but don’t clear my things. I only go out for coffee if I have my a damn appointment. That has been the only time I leave the house! So according to her, I am to be housebound just to clear boxes and clean my room?? I am so sick of this shit. They really think that my pain is no reason why I shouldn’t clear stuff. That I must be faking my disability. Next week I am getting paid and I am so fucking tempted NOT to give a cent to my mother. Maybe then they will get a fucking clue that I live here, too. Because right now, I feel like I can’t have anything in this house except my bedroom. And I will be damned to give half of my social security check just to be locked up in it!
Well, this is the stress I am dealing with which hasn’t helped my pain at all. I need to stop right now because I need to lay down. I can no longer sit. Hope the Tylenol and Ibuprofen help my back pain.