Feeling horrible and slept all day
I woke up around med time. My alarm went off at 8 instead of 9. Something is wrong with the app because it is not going off continuously to annoy me to get up. Just has the little sound and then nothing for the next 15 minutes or so. I don’t know what to do and am afraid of uninstall/reinstall thing. I would hate to input all my meds again. There are really just three that need alarms the rest are just as needed, when I need to keep track of when I last took them. I need to get in touch with the developer and see if they have an advice.
I took my meds and then used the bathroom but forgot to brush my teeth. I was kind of in a weird state where I really had no idea what I was doing there. I went back to bed, thinking I would sleep for a few hours and then I would get up to eat and make cookies. Did not happen. I woke up around 2pm after a weird dream about the Obamas and the White House. I don’t remember more than that. I used the bathroom and then brushed my teeth. I made some graham cracker cereal and found we were out of milk. That meant no cookies. I texted my sister to pick some up on her way home. My mother called to keep me in the kitchen until my niece came home so I could let her in the house.
I had coffee but it didn’t help. I went back to my room and succumbed to the sleepies. I thought I would sleep a couple hours but I slept until my night med time. Fuck. I wanted to order some steak tips but I think laying down so soon after eating the cereal messed up my stomach. Looks like the cereal is the only thing I am going to eat today. I feel horrible that I slept all day again today. Seems that on days I don’t have anything to do, like go to an appointment or something, I sleep. Granted the day after I have therapy, I am tired because I am usually up all night, but this time I wasn’t. I slept through most of the night at a decent hour. I just can’t force myself to stay up. I just feel like sleeping is better, but I am wondering how much of it has to do with depression and how much has to do with not sleeping and being in pain. I sent an email to my psych that the CRPS has spread to my whole foot. I am not happy about it. If you compare my left and right, the left is more swollen than the right and there is some redness at the arch. I hate this! I thought it was just because of the flare I had Monday but now doesn’t seem to be the case as my foot is still sensitive.
I am not liking all this sleeping. I don’t want to get in the habit of sleeping all day because I have the risk of being up all night and that is a bad thing for triggering my bipolar. I already had a few being up 15+ hours. I haven’t made it to 24 and I hope I never do. Closest I have ever come is 22 straight hours. I hate feeling terrible and after I had used the bathroom and went back to my room, and nearly fell because I almost lost my balance taking my slippers off, my foot then exploded in pain. Now I am not sure I am going to sleep again and I am pissed I woke up. Just let me fall into the death nap.
I have been worried about my eating, or lack thereof. I just did some calculation to figure out how many I need just to maintain my weight. But the problem lies with being male or female. If I am a male, it is over 1700. If I am a female it is 1600. I am a male but I am transgender and currently still in a female body so I am all fucking confused. I feel like I should go with the male because fuck, I am a male but yet in my medical records I am female. Fuck. I just am so fucking confused about this shit. I know it is a technical thing, and we are just talking 100 calories. That could be a protein bar, give or take. I know I have not been eating anything close to 1000 calories the last few weeks. Yet I haven’t lost that much weight. I maybe lost 1 pound or so in a week. And I have lost 8 pounds when I wasn’t eating anything, just a thing of ramen noodles for the day. The website I was at said that fasting like I have been aka not eating, can lead to gallstones. Great. Always wanted those, NOT. It is because I am breaking down muscle instead of fat. So I am losing muscle instead of fat. Lovely. I keep telling my doctors this but do they fucking listen?? No. do they order tests to see if my vitamins are okay and shit like that? No. so I could be malnourished and they don’t care about it. I hate taking vitamins and they aren’t cheap. I might take one here and there. But after a while, the gummy gets hard because the bottle was opened and air made them dry. I like gummies better than pills. But I am not going to buy a shit load of vitamins. I had the B vitamins that were sublingual. Those were good but then I stopped because I forgot to take them, and because they were under the tongue, you couldn’t put them in a med box. Plus they had red coloring that came off so if they stayed on your hand or some place, the red wore off. I hated this. I have no idea where I put them. I know I had a bottle on my bureau as I had two. But no idea where they are now. I wish there was a medical person I could talk to about this, someone that fucking cared about this shit and didn’t pass me off because they didn’t have a clue. I don’t even know who to see. Then I think of the trouble to figure it out and I don’t want to do anything. Add in the depression and nothing gets done about it. Fun. So I want to lose weight but no clue how to do it and yet I am barely eating because my appetite is fucked up. Just hope for my birthday, I have my pizza. Hope I eat more than one slice.
midnightdemons7 