restless depressive state

Had a long morning. My father’s doctor was at least forty minutes late, per usual. I am glad I canceled my appointment with my therapist. There would be no way to talk to her.

I then visited a dear friend who is in the hospital fighting cancer and an infection. She had surgery to remove the cancer and developed an infection. She looked very drained. I feel really bad for her. This is the second time she has developed cancer. I hope that it was caught in time. I don’t want to lose my friend.

I have been in a restless depressive state all day. But now it quickly turned into a moody state because I crapped myself. I should have gone to the bathroom before leaving the hospital but thought I could make it home in time. I really don’t like taking a crap outside of my house. I like having my supplies handy. I know I should carry them with me but 9 out of 10 times I never have to do a number two so why bother. I just feel so humiliated. I would have been fine if I didn’t stop to check the mail. It was two minutes, too long. I am such an idiot.

I texted my therapist about being an idiot. I don’t have another session with her till Thursday. I wish I was having one tomorrow. But I had to cancel my time because my father had another doctor appointment tomorrow. Oh the joys of spending all this time waiting in doctors offices. I wish these docs ran on time but they never do. I don’t know any doc that runs on time. Even my own!

I didn’t take the mood stabilizer today. But I think taking it is helping my pain. Since taking it, I have noticed a marked decrease in my nerve pain and general pain as I have been using my pain medication less. I don’t know about today though because I did a lot of walking in my AFO getting around the hospital. Hopefully I won’t be in too much agony later tonight.

I hope that I don’t have excruciating pain tonight. It will not bode well with my mood and might put in a suicidal state of mind. I hate being restless. I am going to try and read after I finish this blog. Maybe that will calm down some of the restlessness. I certainly can’t sleep and I don’t want to take an Ativan unless I absolutely need it. I just wish my dignity was intact today. Not to say the day was going well but the crapping my pants just made everything worse. Made me feel like I was a little kid again, and not in a good way. I just feel so terrible. I know rationally it wasn’t my fault, it was stupid nerve damage that caused it. But I still feel like I should have controlled myself some way, even though I can’t anymore. I thought with being constipated I was safe but I guess not. It really is hard to gauge your bowels when you have nerve damage to them. I really don’t know if I am being too harsh with myself or not. As a grown up, you think you should be able to control yourself and when that gets damaged, you just feel awful. I know I am lucky that my damage is minimal as I still have some control. Others have lost theirs entirely. But after dealing with this loss for 13 yrs now, it’s just sucks when you have an accident, plain and simple. And the worst part is that other than my therapist, there is no one I can talk to about it. It’s not like I can tell my sister or a friend. A CES friend would be the only other person to understand. But I am tired of just going on the group site to say that I had an accident and feel terrible when I know most of them have accidents everyday and I don’t. Doesn’t make it easier to deal with and it is so isolating.