Power is out

Power is out

Our power has been out for the past half hour. I decided to write a blog as I won’t be getting distracted with the internet while I type.

I still can’t walk. I picked up my niece, relatively pain free, until I came home. Then my leg had a fit and I have been walking with a cane since. I can barely stand on my own. Any weight that I bear on my left leg sends it to spasms. I don’t know what I am going to do. I can’t stay in my room all day. My older niece is watching the younger one right now.

My prescription at Walgreens is ready to be picked up. I guess I can try tomorrow and see if I can walk there. I could do that now but I barely made it up the stairs to my room and I really don’t feel like going down two flights of stairs and then walking a few blocks to Walgreens today. It will kill me. I need to rest as I am out of “spoons”.

My room is getting stuffy but it’s cooler than the rest of the house because I had the AC on. I am hoping it comes back soon. Today is the first really hot day in a long time so I bet a transformer or something blew as the neighborhood is out. I just hope it gets fixed soon. I can’t take the heat or humidity. It just sucks. I thought about going to Starbucks to get my coffee but again, I won’t be able to walk there, not with this amount of pain that I am in.

It really sucks not having the internet. Hopefully this blog gets posted today. I guess that is an advantage of having a battery operated laptop. You can still use Word to get stuff done. I could edit my short story but without light in my room, that is difficult. I have the window blocked for all light because it hurts my eyes and I hate sleeping with light in my room during the day. I never know how I am going to sleep so it’s good that my room is dark.

Just had therapy. We talked more about my PTSD symptoms and medicating myself than anything. I feel guilty taking my pain meds but if I am dissociating like she says I am, I am obviously in a lot more pain than I realize. She said that it was okay for me to take my pain meds and that helped a little. She also said that I should use my stronger pain med to try and break the pain cycle. She is just looking out for my psychological interests because she knows if I start feeling trapped because of my pain, I will have a suicidal episode that no amount of medication is going to help me. Unless I overdose or something. She is trying to keep me as sane as possible. But I still am having anxiety about getting CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome, again. If I was still having the back pain I was having a few weeks ago, I would be in the ER so fast. But I am not. I just can’t bear any weight on my left leg and I don’t know why. I know it is because it is swollen and tender. But there is no apparent injury. I didn’t fall. No one hit me in the leg. I wasn’t in a car crash or other traumatic event. It just flared up on me and now I am paying the price because I socialized at my niece’s graduation party. I stood and walked too much around the room. Granted it was hurting me before the party. I had gone to a Sox game a few nights before. And this is why I am on disability. Because I can’t stand more than a few hours and I can’t walk more than say 300 feet in a certain amount of time. Monday I over did it with me walking around the world. Now I just have to rest my leg. But it is so hard being laid up. I can’t do anything. All I can do is non-mobile stuff like writing, reading, and watching movies. I hate being immobile. HATE it. But if I don’t stay off my feet I am in pain, severe, debilitating pain.

I would so order out tonight but that would mean having to go down stairs to the first floor and I just can’t do that. I wish you could order just a few things on Peapod (online grocery shopping) but you have to have a minimum of $60 to place an order. I don’t need $60 worth of groceries. But I am wondering if that will be a good idea so I don’t have to walk around the grocery store to get what I need. I am in such a pickle with money though. I like to have some cash around because some friends are coming up to see me and I would like to go out with them. But if I don’t get this pain under control, going out except for the house burning down is going to be my only option of leaving my room. Right now, I am trying to strategize how to get to the pharmacy to get my prescription that I need. I can’t do the little things so forget about the bigger things (going out with friends). Hopefully, I will have the car tomorrow so that will make my life a little easier. I still have to take my father to his doc appointment. Something I am not looking forward to because his doc is NEVER on time and I hate waiting!