Up Early Again

Up early again

I woke up around 0530 with back pain. I don’t know when this pain is going to go away. I could see what if I was doing something stressful, but all I was doing was sleeping. It is so annoying to wake up in pain.

When I woke up, two things fell off my bed and scared the crap out of me. It was my portfolio and a book. They made such a loud noise in my quiet room. I will pick them up later as I can bend down right now to return them back to where they belong.

I had such a long day yesterday that I couldn’t think of anything to blog about. Words were escaping me because I was so tired. I dealt with my father for 6 fucking hours. That was enough to drive me to drink. He was so ornery and deviant that I could have choked him. It’s a good thing I have patience with him otherwise I would have told him to fuck off and left. I really, really can’t stand him and I know it is only going to get worse as he gets older.

My mood is kind of low because I have not been having a good night’s sleep the past few days. I don’t know why I can’t sleep past six hours. But being in pain doesn’t help. Last night, before going to sleep, I started coughing really bad. I think I am getting sick so I am not going to be around my father today. My sisters can deal with him. I don’t know why I am so congested.

I really want to write my therapist a letter but I don’t know what to say. Things have been difficult between us lately. And she is clueless, as usual. I will try and talk with her about this on Tuesday when I see her. I might be able to take my sister’s car and visit her. But it will all depends if this congestion goes away or not. I don’t feel sick, but I just have this stupid cough.

I hope my therapist reads the last blog I sent her. Sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn’t. That makes things difficult because then I have to try and remember what the blog was about or worse, read it to her. That annoys me. I hate reading what I wrote. The difficulties we are having is that she keeps panicking whenever I bring up thoughts of death or suicide. Soon as I hear her voice change, I can’t talk to her anymore and I shut down. I feel like my feelings have no where to go and I get frustrated. The frustration just makes me more depressed and makes me feel alone. It drives me crazy that after 14 years of working together, she still fucking flips out over my suicidality. For once, I would love for her to accept it and explore it and possibly question it so that maybe it won’t haunt me so much. But I don’t think that is ever going to happen.

I was shocked, really shocked, when they were doing some pre-op questions for my father, they asked if he was in danger of hurting himself. I wanted to laugh and say he was too narcissistic to want to end his own life. But it seemed strange to ask him that right before he had surgery. I mean, if it was me, what were they going to do, put a watch on me while they operated? So stupid sometimes when they ask these questions. There are times when it is appropriate and other times when it is not. I mean, I get that suicide is an important issue to try and capture but I know that if the answer had been yes, things might not have changed. I just don’t get why they would ask something like that right before being operated on. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

I just had cookies and milk for breakfast. I really wanted to make some scrambled eggs but couldn’t be bothered. Yesterday I made them so very good. I put in three slices of cheese. I love when they are cheesy. I really want to have a poached egg but I suck at making them. I always break the yolk and then there is no point in eating it because the good stuff is gone. I like the yolk more than I like the whites. I also made a good cup of coffee yesterday. I was going to have a second cup at Starbucks but declined when I got to the station. I didn’t want to be jittery when I saw my father. That would have made things worse.