Broken Routines

I got an email from TiVo saying that I could get a lifetime product for their new Roamio sets. I would love to upgrade to a new system as mine is over 12 years old. It still works good and all but I think it is time for an upgrade so I can record more shows at the same time. But, alas, I can’t afford the Roamio and the offer is only good until Jan 28th. Rats.

I was reading an old blog that I wrote almost two years ago about clutter. In it, I described my current life situation where I have clothes and papers all over the place without a home. I am unable to find a home because I don’t have a place to put them. So they just stay in piles. I use the piles because I do have to change clothes a few times a week. The reason I don’t go through the piles often is because I don’t shower every day like I used to. I shower maybe 3-4 times a week, if that, and it depends on my mood and pain level. I try to shower at least every other day but some times that is just not possible. Very rarely do I shower on consecutive days. I notice when I don’t shower a lot when my mother does the laundry. I can’t do the laundry because I don’t do it her way. I will have a small pile of clean clothes, which basically means, I didn’t shower too often that week.

I read an article today about how sunshine may contribute to suicide. But in the same article, it said that sunshine for 14-60 days was preventative against suicide. So if you have sun for less than 10 days, you may commit suicide. Makes sense to me because I have found that at the peak of summer, my suicidality goes through the roof with the heat and sunshine. I can’t stand it. Give me cloudy days any day! Luckily in Boston, we don’t have consecutive days of sunshine. Though it may be what is contributing to my suicidality the last couple of days. The study took out the seasons variability factor. Here is the link to the article if you are interested. It is a bit technical and at times confusing but well worth the read. The interesting finding in the study was that women were more likely to die by suicide than men. Usually, the reverse is true. But the authors didn’t mention that at all, least not in the overview. here is a simpler version of the same article: sunshine and suicide

I had therapy today. I wish I could say that it was encouraging but I felt like it was work and a whole lot of bullshit. My therapist was trying to tell me that I need to be validated and that I am missing that because I am so isolated. Her contact is the only human contact I get now a days. I don’t talk with my mother about any thing related to me. I don’t talk to my sisters about what is wrong. My psychiatrist is out in cyberland somewhere and I can’t always get a response from her. So the only people I “talk” with are my Twitter followers, and sometimes, my Facebook friends. And with me feeling wicked down on myself and wanting to kill myself, she feels like I am too isolated and need more contact with people. Trouble is, there aren’t a whole lot of people I talk with, even while I was working. Sure I socialized with my coworkers while working but rarely did our friendship leave the office. Since being out of work, even my closest friends never call me or text me like they used to. I used to text them all the time but when I started getting no responses, I stopped. It’s been almost three years since I have been out of work. And yes, this time of year always sucks for me, but not having social support is hurting me. Sure I have my writing and my blog, but I don’t always get responses to every post I publish. And yesterday, I really was looking for validation on one of my papers that I sent to a clinical social worker. He totally missed what the paper was about. He thought it was more about the song than the content I was writing about. That hurt me more than words can express. And that is the other thing. Lately, I have been having trouble expressing myself either on Twitter or my blog. I don’t know what is holding me back but I just cannot say what I feel anymore. Last night was a difficult night, again, and I all I could do was spout off lyrics of the songs I was playing. The hardest part was trying to keep it within 140 characters and still be able to quote the artist.

My mood is all over the place. One minute I am hanging by a thread and the next I am okay. Right now, there is a heaviness in my chest. It’s almost 2000 and already my mood has winded down. I don’t know if I can stand another painful night of heartache. I don’t know what is causing me such misery. It’s not my anniversary, yet, of my surgeries and when my life changed forever. Granted I was talking to a friend and we were talking about how my ankle is being such a downer. I can’t do stairs and yet I am supposed to do PT tomorrow. I really don’t see the fucking point of going to PT. I know I am always going to be in pain. Any activity is going to hurt me. But I have become so reclusive. I don’t go out, unless I really have the motivation to do so. I still have funds for my Starbucks from my birthday and Christmas gifts but I really haven’t gone out more than once a week. The routine used to be have therapy, get dressed, catch the bus, and then go to Starbucks. Now it more like have therapy and then catch a nap, write a blog, have dinner, then go to sleep. I really have to psych myself up to go out. I don’t talk with anyone human, except for my mother. Some days I don’t really talk with her at all except to make dinner plans. If I talk with my sisters, it is via text message, though lately my sister has been calling me. But outside of family, there is no other communication. I might chat with my Twitter buddies but it’s not instantaneous. And lately, I just haven’t been feeling up to chatting. I just stay in my room because it is quiet and I play my annoying game. So that is what I do all day. Nothing at all. I am really useless.