Jeremy

Jeremy

This song is one of Pearl Jam’s greatest hits.

I have enrolled in a study from the UK about mood and depression. It monitors phone activity. For example, according to it’s sensors (GPS on my phone), I walked for 37 mins yesterday. I don’t know how accurate that is because I know that if I did walk continuously for 30 mins, I would be hurting really bad.

Yesterday I had PT. The therapist had me do six different exercises. My foot was so fatigued after doing just one set of ten on each that on the way back to the train station, my ankle exploded in pain. I knew I was in trouble. And my ankle continued to hurt the rest of the day. It is still throbbing but not as bad as it was last night. I had trouble walking down the stairs and had to use my cane to get around the house. Any type of pressure or weight I put on it, just caused me more pain. The PT wants me to do these exercises every day. Well, I will but not today. Today is a day of rest. I had wanted to walk to Walgreens, which is only a couple blocks from my house, but didn’t want to risk being in more pain. I really haven’t left my room except to eat and go to the bathroom. Doing stairs is painful, but not as much as last night.

I also had my therapy appt, which was after my PT session. I am glad I had it in the comfort of my home so I could put my foot up and take my pain medication. Yesterday was a long day. I woke up at 0330 so by 1230, the time for my therapy, I was getting to be toast. We talked about my friend that died, how I knew him and stuff. I think for the first time in a LONG time, I talked almost the entire 50 minutes. My therapist was listening, which in and of itself, is weird because she likes to talk.

I wrote two blogs yesterday and was shocked with the response from one of them. I guess my writing about something dear to me as suicide is a good thing. One of my blog followers commented on it and then reblogged it because it angered her as much as it angered me.

I can’t seem to write today. Just am feeling so down it’s like pulling teeth trying to get the words out. I haven’t been into my game all day. I was trying to find old missions that I could do as I am almost caught up. I have a shit load of crops I got to request to finish the missions I have, which is two pages. The rest are stuff I just need coins for so I can buy the crops. They are expensive so have 3 million coins doesn’t get you very far. I have 29B coins in my bank but you can only withdraw 100K at a time. Wish I knew that before I made such huge deposits, but then, I didn’t think I would need so many coins. There is one crop that helps me build up my account and it’s a short crop, which is good. I don’t have to wait all day for it to harvest.

I seriously want to kill myself one day. I don’t know if it will be this week or this year but I am so tired of “being”. Being in pain the last three days has really soured my mood. All I can think about is death and dying. I really don’t feel like I am making a contribution to anything, like my therapist says I do. I just feel like I am a lump on a log, and a stationary one at that.