Waking up in pain is so much fun, NOT

Around 0230, I woke up with my ankle throbbing. Then I had to go to the bathroom. Now I am up, least until the pain meds kick in, which I hope will be soon.

I returned an email to a fellow blog reader. In the email I told her of how I am using getting a new printer as a reward for my increase in blog post reading and good writing in general. I don’t really feel proud of myself for accomplishing this feat, but it has been more than a year since I gave myself a reward. My writing partner gives herself a reward almost every month for her writing achievement. I figured getting a printer should be considered a reward for myself. It may seem silly, but I know it will be good to print stuff off. I will add to my paper piles! And besides, I know that I will need to print stuff off for my taxes so this way here I am really benefiting myself.

I also told her that being happy is basically a myth. No one is ever happy all the time. It is something we strive for but I don’t believe anyone can get it. I spent years trying to be happy and all it got me was more hurt and resentment. And what I found is that happiness is a fleeting emotion that doesn’t like to stick around. Instead, I try to be content as that seems more doable. I do things that make me happy, like go to Starbucks for my latte or mocha. It’s the little things that lead to contentment. And if we are content in life, then we have achieved our goal. No one can take that away from us. Right now I am too depressed to be content. I am thinking about killing myself again. I don’t know if I will last the year. I have rope that I have bought for this purpose, sitting in my office. It is not staring at me, but I think about it often. So I write about it and hope that it lessens. I put great thought into buying the rope. I just hope I don’t use it.

Was talking with a couple of my CES buddies. I told them I hurt because I did my PT exercises. My friend said that it is like flogging a dead horse. I think she is right. But I will do them in the hopes that the pain will ease in time. I just can’t do all 6 of them at once. I need to rest in between sets and exercises. I can do the easy ones with no problem, it’s just the ankle ones that I have issue with. I don’t know if my ankle will regain the strength after so many years of being weak. It’s not a great weakness. Just a 4 out of 5. But when it becomes fatigued is when I have trouble. It doesn’t want to work at all then. I found that out on Thursday when I was hurting all day.

Well my pain has decreased and between the meds and Ativan, I am getting sleepy. Here is hoping that I sleep more than three hours.