As You Turn Away

As You Turn Away

I find this song fitting for how I feel today about things. I had therapy today and my therapist wants me to trek out tomorrow to see her. I don’t have any intention to do so. It will be the last time I see her and I think that will be harder on her. I really want to minimize my death as much as possible, should it happen this week. I am so torn. I want to stay but I don’t. I am tired of fighting the pain every day. I am exhausted due to lack of sleep all the time. I just don’t see how I can go on living like this. I am trying to but it just doesn’t make any sense.

My therapist did the SSF on me today. I don’t see the usefulness of it. But I let her have her answers. She filled in the blanks on reasons for living. And I just let her. I was too tired to argue with her. She read my short story on psychosis. She really liked it. She called it “scholarly”. I don’t know why she used that term as I didn’t use any clinical references at all in the story. It’s all autobiographical in nature about my psychosis episodes, minus the last episode. I really didn’t think the story made sense but she went off about how good it is and that I should get it published. I could tell she was trying to flatter me. She was going on and on how I can intertwine things in my writing. Anyway, I published it on my blog if you want to read it. It’s called “Psychosis is a Funny Beast”. I doubt it will ever see print in any other format.