Tired of Being Tired

Tired of Being Tired

I had no energy today. I thought I would take my sister’s car to Starbucks and have a mocha or some other caffeinated drink, and just journal for a few hours. But I didn’t sleep well. I fell asleep during the 10th inning of the baseball game (around 0200) and woke up around three to turn the radio off. They won in the 11th inning. I fell back to sleep for a couple of hours before my bladder said “it’s time to go”. I have been up since about six. I tried to go back to sleep but it was impossible. My bowels decided it was its turn to go and again and again and again. I had to take some Imodium to shut things down. I really didn’t want to as that sometimes bangs me up worse over the next day or two. I was exhausted from crapping all morning, literally. By the time my therapy appointment came around, I didn’t think I would stay awake during it. She was running late and I almost nodded off, missing the phone call.

She read my letter that I wrote the other night. She said that it was devastating to her. I guess it could be taken that way. I am glad I was not in the same room when she read it. I guess it upset her pretty good. That was not my intention. I wasn’t malicious in the letter. I just became really suicidal and expressed myself that way. I told her she was pretty much better off without me. Course she didn’t hear it. She still called me and then said that I have to keep all my appointments after that letter. I am stuck. She is holding the cards now. I deleted the blog that had the letter. No point in anyone reading that except her. I don’t think I should have sent it to her. I had a feeling it would worry her. Hyde writes well. I am just glad I didn’t write the same kind of letter to my psychiatrist. I think I would be in the hospital if I did.

I asked my psychiatrist to refill one of my medications to a specific pharmacy and she sent it to the wrong one. Now this pharmacy is having trouble stocking the medication. Unbelievable. I told her and she said she would send it to the right pharmacy tonight. I hope so because I am going to run out by the end of the week. And I can’t miss a dose of this medication because the delusions and psychosis will come back. She told me not to worry. I think that is easier said than done.

My sister is back home after a few days in Utah. I am glad she is back. I missed her. She sent me beautiful photos of where she was. They were absolutely gorgeous. I always wanted to go to Utah for grad school. I might have to look into it now.

And after all that I done today, which was nothing, I am tired. So very dog tired. I think that if I didn’t have my bowel issues this morning, I might have made it out today. I just couldn’t trust that it would stop. I just am sick of being tired all the time. I am sick of having my bowels dictate when I go out. I am sick of being depressed. I had no appetite today. I had a bowl of cereal, an ice cream sandwich, 2 breakfast sausages, and a cookie. That is all I could stomach. And I forced the sausages down because I didn’t feel like eating. This is the second day in a row that my stomach has been feeling full with barely any food in it. I have been drinking Gatorade and water so I don’t get dehydrated. But even that, I have to carefully sip. I am not thirsty either. I just want to sleep. I was going to ask my sister for the car tomorrow so I could see my therapist but I am just too tired. I hate feeling this fatigue all the time. I am not eating so I know that is part of the problem. And the humidity and heat are only going to get worse as the summer months come. I know we are going to have a scorching summer because we had a really cold winter. I really need to get out of the house and get my routine back. But I am so tired I can’t do that. I hope that tomorrow I feel better. Because at the rate that this is going, it isn’t going to be good. I know my mood is going to plummet more during the summer months than any other time of year. I can’t tolerate the heat. It just makes me more miserable. But this fatigue and no appetite are really bringing me down. I wish I could say that sleeping helps me, but I haven’t been able to nap or fall asleep while napping. I just lay there and my thoughts go wild. I think my not sleeping for more than a few hours at a time is really messing with me. I wake up and I don’t feel restful at all. I just am more tired as if I didn’t sleep at all.