Friday Musings
I had my appointment with my pdoc today. She was very concerned about me and asked if she should put me in the hospital. I told her no. She then asked if there is a way for her to know that I am safe so that she doesn’t get concerned about Hyde’s writing, like using a code word or something. I told her probably not because most of the time, I am dissociating so am not aware of what I am writing. I brought everything out in the open, the date I planned on dying, etc. I was expecting her to call security but she didn’t. She is keeping a closer eye on me.
Here is my favorite actor talking about mental illness and depression and how he got through it. It made me cry.
Today, history was made with the legalization of gay marriage in ALL 50 states. I didn’t think it was going to go through. I seriously had my doubts. But the ruling stands and there is nothing anyone can do about it. So if people want to burn themselves, divorce, whatever, do through with it and see if I care! I can legally marry someone in my state (I could anyway but it wasn’t legal/recognized in others). I should be happy but the depression is making me sad. I have been sad all day, even upon hearing the news. I am still suicidal but I can’t kill myself. I am wicked frustrated over this. I don’t know what gets me through these episodes.
I saw some Twitter friends tonight. We talked for a few hours about lots of things, but especially about suicide as that is where we all met, the SPSM (Suicide Prevention SoMe) chat. It was nice sitting and talking about things.
I am beyond exhausted between leaving the house this morning to see my pdoc and then coming home, having lunch, then going back out again to meet up with my friends. Tomorrow I might be hurting big time but it was worth it.
midnightdemons7 