Ramblings 81

I am writing a little earlier than I did yesterday because I decided not to go out to the Square to have coffee. I made it at home again. I did go out to Walgreens to pick up my prescription, the right one this time. Though I am shocked that the pharmacists didn’t say anything to me about taking two NSAIDs. Very strange. Maybe there is no interaction but I know better.

I talked with my therapist today about a diagnosis that was brought to me by someone reading my blog. Turns out there is no such thing. I was happy about it and I am always keeping up with the times. I thought I might have missed something but this person was just making it up to what fits. I find it a little disturbing because although it does fit, there is nothing that suggests it would take on credibility or even be in the DSM or ICD. Those are the standards I hold diagnoses on.

I also told her I am paranoid of writing on my own blog now for fear of criticism. I have had this blog for three years and though there have been a handful of dissenters, it always makes me question what I am writing. I know my blog can be a little dark and if that bothers you, I advise you to read another blog. There is a reason why my comments are moderated and that is one of the reasons. I am already a negative person, I am free to admit it, but I will not tolerate comments that state my writing is shit or questionable. You have no idea what I am going through so have no basis for what you are saying. You don’t like what I write, leave. No one is telling you to stay.

My therapist also brought up the book again. I get disgruntled every single time she brings it up because I have nothing new to add to the book. Sure I can go with what I have and try and make it longer. But I have no energy to do that. Hell, I didn’t even have the energy to walk to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. That took so much out of me that I am ready for a nap. But I got my “big” light on to keep me awake. If I put on my little desk lamp, I know I will fall asleep. And I really want to finish reading the “Tower of Babel” articles sometime today.

Oreos just came out with a new kind, brownie batter Oreos. I wish I didn’t hear about them because they sound so yummy and I want them. Their Reese’s peanut butter cup Oreos were to die for. Only complaint that I have is it was a small box, smaller than a regular Oreos box. I am guessing it will be the same with these brownies batter cookies. Just what I need. Another cookie to conquer. I am never going to lose weight. I have decided that if my doc says anything, I will just tell him I was suicidal and didn’t care about my diet at all, which is the truth. Hard to stick with dieting when you are thinking about and planning to end your life. I just got to make sure my clothes still fit me because I refuse to go the next size up. I swear it was the hospital that made me gain all this weight. I gained it last year when I was in and haven’t been able to lose it. I keep losing and gaining the same five pounds, never anything more than that. I just feel really guilty when I gain because I feel like I am losing my doc’s confidence in me or something. I fucking hate it. I know he has to tell me to lose the weight but he isn’t a thin man either. But I know that if I bring that up to him, he will find some excuse to bring it back to me, like he isn’t the one immobile. It depresses me because I know I am not as active as I used to be. Pain causes me to be immobile. It really upsets me when it is brought to my attention, like I don’t already know this. The best diet I have been on was the cereal diet. You have a bowl of special K for breakfast and lunch and then a reasonable dinner. But it got to be boring and expensive real fast. I don’t know why cereal costs so much. But then so is a thing of sugar. Funny how the prices of these things go up during shortages but never go back down when there is plenty.

My mother is babysitting my niece because she is sick. She has strep throat. I need to fend for myself for dinner. I have no clue what to make. I am thinking something with potatoes. Maybe fish sticks, if I can dig them out of the freezer. I didn’t have lunch today, a meal I have been skipping or having later than I normally do. I might have a bowl of Cheerios so I don’t have to turn on the oven. I don’t know what to make. And I am getting hungry so I need to find food fast!