I finally got some decent sleep but I wish I slept a little later. I am going to have breakfast and then maybe go back to sleep. I need to drink a lot of fluid today because I am getting my blood drawn tomorrow and I don’t want there to be any problems finding my veins. I hate getting my blood drawn but hopefully they will draw the right amount of tubes and I won’t have to correct them. I know what needs to be drawn because I used to work in the lab. I should just have three tubes drawn. Any more than that and I will make a fuss. I got to find out when the lab opens tomorrow. I really don’t want to be fasting all day because I know I will forget and eat something.
Last night I got to thinking about my sessions with my therapist. She is the only therapist I know that offered me multiple sessions during the week. I normally see her twice a week but sometimes, because of my suicidality, we will meet three times. She wants to keep an eye on me at all costs. I can’t even go without texting her for periods. It’s become such a habit to text her when I am in the deepest of despair. As I thought about this, I also thought, what if she didn’t see me so much? I wonder if I would be here. I have been fortunate that my insurance hasn’t interfered with my therapy. I don’t have any limit on sessions. I think if I did, things would be so hard. I know not everyone can have multiple sessions with their therapist for various reasons. I guess someone really wants me to be here even if I don’t want to be.
Game is on early today. I don’t like day games because it makes the night time seem longer. I guess I will just be doing more reading as there will be nothing to listen to except music. I have to have a little music playing while I read. It keeps away the voices from asking me questions.
I was struggling last night. My psychiatrist emailed me back and asked how I was doing. I started writing back and then I felt immensely suicidal. It was weird because I wasn’t feeling depressed when I was writing to her. I didn’t tell her I was feeling this way. I knew it would only worry her more. I have tried not to think about suicide the past few days because I didn’t want to feel it. Now it’s coming in waves. I don’t know why this is. I am not feeling horribly depressed. I still am feeling somewhat good, though not at the level I was earlier this past week. I don’t know if I am cycling and that worries me because it usually brings with it mixed states. I hate mixed states. They always make things worse.
I think I have the thoughts of killing myself because I really think it is my destiny to die that way. They have been apart of me for so long that I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like an addiction, except you don’t get high. You just are constantly surrounded by your thoughts and planning. Planning gives me an escape. It forces me to compartmentalize the suicidal stuff so I can go about doing other things and make it appear that I am “okay”.
I don’t know when planning became my escape route. It has always been there for as long as I can remember. It didn’t solidify until one day I snapped. Even then, I had planned a date well in advanced so that I could have time to think things through. The hard part was keeping this from my therapist because I was so determined to end my life. I still try to do it but I fail miserably. I cannot lie to save my life, literally. So when she asked me what is going on, really, really what is going on, I had to think about what I wanted to say to her. I gave myself a good 24 hours to think about this, then I called her and asked for an extra session. I think that is when we started talking more often at that point.
midnightdemons7 