And the Hypos Continue
Today has been an up and down day. I didn’t get the payment I was expecting. I think I have been cut off, which I hope to mean I can look for PT work. But it’s still early to know for sure. So I won’t be paying for my groceries like I thought I would. This sucks. I also need to finagle how I am going to get my allergy pills. I guess one of my bills will have to be paid in half and the rest next month. Oh well. I am still racy and I am so scared that I might overspend my SSD check. After everything is paid, I will have around $120 to spend but $30 goes to my T-Pass so I can get around. So I really have $90 for the month. I haven’t decided how much I will be putting on my Starbucks card. I need to have money on it so I can get out of the house as well as have coffee/mochas. I will need to go to the grocery store to get my half and half but that doesn’t cost much. I just hope it lasts. I am really bummed but it’s hard to stay this way because the hypos are making me feel really good.
I had therapy and we talked about the hypos. My therapist is kind of worried as I never have had hypos last more than a few days tops and this episode has lasted a week now, maybe more. I wish I could contribute it to something but nothing out of the ordinary has happened. We were trying to figure it out and we couldn’t come up with anything. She was asking me about my psychotic symptoms and I was afraid to tell her what was running through my head. Weird things have been happening when I read a book or when I am reading from my phone. Words seem to “dance”. It is very entertaining and seems to make reading fun. It doesn’t happen all the time though. I am afraid to tell my pdoc about this symptom because the last time this happened, I was hospitalized. Granted I was in a greater psychotic state than I am right now, but still I am afraid this might happen. I don’t want to be hospitalized because it won’t do me any good. I will just be doped up and then sent home. I am not suicidal like I was before. I feel too good to want to hurt myself. I have been really irritable lately. Little things have made me feel angry, really angry. I am not usually angry without a real reason. I had stopped following a good friend of mine because of the stupid shit she posts that upsets me. I have decided if they post more than 2 memes in succession, I am unfollowing them. It is that simple. Then I am not aggravated when I try and read my FB feed. I am tempted to unfollow “Not right in the head” stuff because lately their stuff has been downright offensive. And then these memes and pictures get stuck in my head and the float around. I know it’s because of these damn hypos. I am more prone to psychosis and irritability than when I am depressed. But stop this shit already. I hate to give up feeling good to feeling depressed again but that is my normal. I just don’t know what to do. I am still nervous about my doctor’s appointment tomorrow. My blood work came back all normal except for my LDL. It’s slightly elevated by 4 points. My cholesterol went down to below 200 which I was thrilled about. It was 217 last time I had it checked. So other than my fricken weight, that is the only thing my doc is going to harass me about. I really wanted to lose a few more pounds but it just wasn’t going to happen. I have been eating fruit most of the day to try and keep my weight where it is. I have no idea what I will have for dinner. Might have raviolis that were left over from last night.
Like I was expecting, my therapist didn’t get through the pile of letters she said she was going to. I was laughing. I still wanted to know if she read the one about “Do I” but I was too afraid of the answer. She hasn’t read my latest blog about the language of suicidology. I wrote that while I was hypo and I still think it’s a pretty good piece of writing. It’s probably the first piece of writing that I like and think is not a piece of crap. A few people have said they really like it. I wish it got more likes but it didn’t. I keep posting it on Twitter when I remember as I think it’s important to put it out there.
I reluctantly emailed my pdoc and told her about my symptoms. I don’t think she is going to suggest hospital and I didn’t tell her my words were dancing when I read. I think that will alarm her and I will be put in the hospital. And whoever heard of being hospitalized because of being hypo? I have never been in the hospital because I am in a good mood. I wish it could last forever but I don’t think it’s going to. It never does. It is curious that I am having more episodes though. I am not doing anything with them. I am not spending like crazy nor am I being promiscuous. I just am in a good mood and if my pdoc thinks I need to be hospitalized for it, forget it. It’s not going to happen. Maybe I am being paranoid.
I changed my music selection on my MP3 to Pearl Jam and Linkin Park. I was tired of listening to country the last few days. Shoot. I just realized that because of my money issues, I can’t get Luke Bryan’s new album. I am really bummed now. Least the Sox are playing tonight so I have something to bitch about on Twitter. They are playing the White Sox tonight. Last time they played, White dominated us. Course, we still have crappy pitching but we have better hitting lately with the addition of JBJ. He is a swell guy.
midnightdemons7 