in another writing mood

I have been thinking of cancelling my appointment with my psychiatrist because I don’t want to bother her but I know that if I do, it will only worry her. She is trusting me a great deal by not sending me in the hospital. I hope I don’t let her down. I just wish I didn’t feel like such a burden to her. I also feel like I am bothering her too much by emailing her my pathetically sad life story.

My father is getting weaker as we speak. I haven’t seen him since Thursday night. I am going to try and see him tomorrow but the marathon is running so I am not sure I can go. My sister goofed up the babysitting schedule. I am to watch the little one on Tuesday. I should have gone in the hospital. But I have to be available for the idiot social worker to call me.

I am feeling very exhausted and over tired. I feel safe but I don’t. I liked it better when I was in the hospital ER waiting for the psychiatrist. Least then I didn’t have a care in the world. I could just focus on me getting better. But now I am home and I am feeling slightly suicidal and like I am in a mixed state because my brain is on fire and I have to get these words out before they burn a hole in my brain.

My father is dying and I have no clue how to deal with it. How do you deal with a dying parent? No one prepares you for this. Yes it is apart of life, but how can someone that was so mean to you and now that you don’t give a damn suddenly mean something to you? I am not saying he is my buddy, far from it. But I feel so helpless that there is nothing I can do to hasten or lessen the process of him dying. This is so hard for me to comprehend. Not seeing him the last few days have helped considerably for me to “forget” about him, like he isn’t a part of my life. But how will I feel when he is gone? Will it still feel like I “forgot” about him? Will it be like “out of sight, out of mind” kind of thing? Except, when he goes, it will be forever. I won’t be able to pick up the phone and call him. Or swing by his house to do his meds.

My sister placed another task on my growing list of things to talk to the social worker about. I also need to talk to patient accounts and see when my father will run out of his insurance. I really hope he dies before he runs out. But my feeling is that it won’t happen. He is just too stubborn to die. I hate him for being stubborn. I don’t know why I care. He is my father. But to me he is a sperm donor for that was all he was good for. I have been thinking about what to write for the eulogy and all I can say is that he was a good dresser. That was all he cared about was looking good. He had no other endearing qualities. He only cared about himself. Hence why there is no will and testament. He isn’t going to leave us with nothing but his fancy clothes. Some legacy.

2 thoughts on “in another writing mood

  1. its so difficult to deal with all your going through. i cant imagine it. death is so hard to deal with. i hope you can process some of this with your psychiatrist or therapist. XX

  2. I hope you can make peace with your father before he dies. And I don’t mean peace as in making it all better. It would be great if you could tell him how he hurt you. Even if he is asleep. Hold his hand, tell him how you feel, and then forgive him. I wish I could explain it better. I think it is more toxic to hold on to the anger. My dad and I had a great relationship so when he died it was pure sadness and love. But my aunt did poorly by me when my mom was lost in her own grief and I was angry at my mom through my teens for abandoning me. I have told my mom how I feel and we have repaired our relationship. My aunt though, she broke the law, caused me serious issues because of it, and while I no longer associate with her, I have told her what she did was wrong and hurtful and I have forgiven her. I have made my peace with that time in my life and it has allowed me to go on. I hope I am making sense. You say the truth. “You know father, you really hurt me in life when you teased me, left us, thought only of your self, etc. I have been so angry at you for so long. But I understand we all have our weaknesses and are not perfect. I refuse to let that hurt define me or my life. I forgive you. (And I love you – if you feel comfortable saying that) and I am ready to let go of that pain.” Maybe something like that? I am no expert or have walked in your shoes, I just know I felt better saying what I had to say to my aunt and even my mom and then deciding how to move forward from there. Sending you much love, support, and peace of mind. It is a tough place to be in life, losing a parent, no matter your relationship with them.

any thoughts?

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