Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

A cold and rainy end to April in Boston

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

A cold and rainy end to April

Today is cold and raw and rainy. Baseball game doesn’t have too many hits. It has been a quiet game so far. I hope the Sox start tacking on runs to support Sale. He has been pitching well today despite the weather conditions.

I had a dream about my mother. She was in the kitchen hollering to me about a chair. I have no idea what she was talking about. I ignored her and ate a bag of chips in my room. I woke up feeling sad. I have been trying to ignore how I feel but it hasn’t worked. I don’t think it ever does. The feelings just creep on you and then show their face whenever you aren’t expecting it.

It’s cold in my room and I think it is making me just want to stay under the covers. I don’t want to do anything. I haven’t showered since Wed. I did brush my teeth today. I also did last night before bed. I need to change my bandage. I just don’t want to do nothing. I have therapy tomorrow. I don’t know if I want to see her again this week or not. I guess I will decide tomorrow. I got to go to the clinic on Tues to have my chest checked again. I have some swelling under my armpit that I hope is just from the binder and not fluid. My right was pretty flat yesterday. I haven’t taken the binder off today. I am still debating showering. It might help my allergies and headache I have if I take a nice hot shower. Might also warm me up some. I got to find some soap that I like. I had a shower gel that is nice but my niece used it. I prefer to use soap as it is easier for me. I know it dries your skin but when you hate showering, you want something fast rather than rinsing a loofah thing.

I started reading Caste by Isabel Wilkerson. It is good so far. I only read a chapter. I plan on reading more tonight before bed. For dinner I plan on making some turkey bacon for a sandwich. I got to make it before it goes bad. Just hope I have American cheese.

Saturday Blog 29042023

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Saturday Blog 29042023

I woke up around 5 to pee and had a difficult time going back to sleep. I woke up to my med alarm and then just shut it off only to wake up again to use the bathroom a couple hours later. I should have stayed up as I woke up feeling wicked exhausted, like I didn’t sleep at all. I had coffee last night before the game so I could listen to  them lose. It was awful last night.

I made chicken with roasted red potatoes for a late lunch/dinner. I had made the chicken perfect. It was so tender and juicy. The potatoes weren’t done yet. I let them cook for another half hour before taking them out. It has become my favorite dish to make.

It is cold in my room as the wind is howling. I had to shut the fan off. I thought about showering but I really don’t feel like it. I took the binder off for about an hour as I was sick of it. It was digging into me so I needed a break. My right side is still pretty flat. The left has some swelling in the armpit area where I am sore. I don’t know if it is fluid or just swollen due to the binder. I hope I don’t have to wear this thing for long. I am more than 30 days post op now. I am happy with the results. I have a large amount of glue stuff where the wound opened up. Going to be a bitch to get it off. The scab on my left nipple still hasn’t fallen off. It is being stubborn. I put some Aquaphor on it today as it felt rough. I put it on both nipples. Not sure if I should put a bandage on them. I will ask Tues when I go to the clinic again.

I am still feeling pretty sad and tearful at times. I dreamt about being in the hospital again. I’ve been trying to think of my mother less but it has been hard. It’s been really difficult to push past the fatigue I feel today to do what needed to be done. I still haven’t brushed my teeth yet. I think I will after the game. I am so tired. I don’t think I am going to be up late tonight. Going to bed when I take my meds at 8 seems likely. I hate to go to bed that early but I feel so lifeless.

post op day 30 top surgery

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, FTM, transgender

Post op day 30 top surgery

I am healing well except that I had some fluid build up again. I got to go back to the clinic on Tues. If there is still more, they are going to put in a drain for a week. I have a scab on my left nipple that doesn’t want to come off. NP said it will on its own once new skin grows. I don’t know how long I have to wear this binder but I think it will be a while, sadly. It annoys me. I want to be free but I also don’t want my chest to be drained.

I had therapy today. We talked some more about grief and my sadness. She is worried that the grief could make the depression worse and then I would become suicidal again. I didn’t mention that I felt that I need to be in the hospital with her. I think if I tell her, she might be like ok. I just feel sad all the time and she said not that much time has passed since my mother passed away, which is true. It’s only been a little more than three weeks. She wants me to do things but she won’t say what things I should do. I don’t think there is a DBT skill for grief. I told her I would read more. I just got a new book from the library. I haven’t started it yet. I wanted to today and might before bed. It is a bigger book than I thought it would be so reading it might take some serious time. I tend to read a chapter and then put the book down. Sometimes I pick it back up but most times I wait till the next day. I remember when I used to just read right on through. I guess it depends on my attention span. I can follow Twitter easily because it is short posts, even though some people make long posts now that Musk took away character limits for those that pay for the site. It is easier than a thread sometimes. But I am not going to pay for the site. It is going downhill and I fear in a few years, it might just be a memory.

I wish I could call my mother. Just to hear her voice again. I have a couple of voicemails but it isn’t the same thing. I didn’t think it would hit me this hard. I knew she was going to die and stuff but I really thought she would survive at least a year with the diagnosis. She was in a lot of pain and I guess that took a lot out of her. I am glad she isn’t suffering anymore. No one deserves 24/7 pain unless they are child molesters/rapists.

With this binder on for who knows how long, I really can’t go in the hospital because it will be a safety concern. I am not suicidal but I have stuff I could overdose on and just hope for the best. I don’t know if that means I need to be in the hospital. I was feeling that way before I left the hospital and the staff knew I had stuff. Hell, they were discharging me with a script of it! Only problem is that there is no guarantee that I will be back at that hospital if I go in. It took a few days in the ED for me to get a bed there. I think I was in the ED on a Wed and didn’t get admitted until Friday.

I bought the new Linkin Park CD. It came today and I should be excited but I am not. I haven’t left my room since I got the message it was delivered. I don’t feel like leaving my room for anything except if I have to use the bathroom. I just took my night meds. I might take some Benadryl as my allergies are killing me. Normally, I would take another Allegra but the Benadryl will help me sleep some. I have my grocery delivery tomorrow. My niece isn’t home so it will be me taking the stuff up the two flights to my room. I ordered a lot of Gatorade as I ran out before the end of the month. Hope I get everything. I have to be careful because I am not supposed to lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk.