Author: Midnight Demon

I’m reading Critical Suicidology and am on the section of youth suicide. This excerpt is from page 86 of that book and discusses the wish of suicide. I had to stop reading because it triggered me. I have both, wanted to live and die during the most severe depressions and suicidal thoughts. As I was reading this section, Never Grow Up by Taylor played. I thought about the time I was 10 and wanted to die but also wanted to know what I got for Cheistmas. This is the dynamic I have dealt with all my life. Even while attempting suicide last year, I rolled the dice and nearly died after my efforts. Sometimes I wish I never grew up.

On the bus ride home I thought about my suicidality. It hasn’t really changed much over the years. I still believe I am going to end my life one day by suicide. I was talking to my friend yesterday and I told him the stats are against me. I didn’t want to be alive after the attempt and research has shown that most people do not survive subsequent attempts. We seem to get better at ending our life, I guess. I am not sure if methods change for the attempter or not. That is something research has not shown.

I came home to an empty house, again. I was still listening to Taylor by my Bluetooth headset. I rested for a bit while listening. The new songs are my favorites. It is hard to choose one that is my top 5 song as I love the Speak Now album. But the lyrics get me every time and each time I hear the song, it moves me in a new way. I love it.

I have been thinking about doing something about my beard. I am not exactly sure what. I bought a new trimmer. I need to shave the neck beard. It just gets uncomfortable. My friend that I saw yesterday said I was more of a man than he is because I have more body hair than him. LOL No denying I am Italian.

I’ve had a headache most of the day and it has returned as I am listening to the Sox play. We are leading 2-0 right now in the 3^rd. I am tempted to send my pcp a message asking what else can I do about them. I am not 100% sure they are migraines or the beginning of them. I just know my head hurts and trying to read or write or even do something that brings me pleasure (few things do) has been hard to do with the stupid pain. I sent a message to my pcp and psychiatrist as I think broken sleep is contributing to my headaches. My psychiatrist keeps asking me what I have taken for sleep. I feel like it is a broken record at this point. I am on a low dose of mirtazapine so we could go up. I’ll find out tomorrow what he wants to do.

Suicidology and stuff

Today I met up with a writer from DC who is writing a book about suicide. He was involved in a research study I participated in a few years ago. I told him about my year and it wasn’t good. I had given him my journals the last time we met and unfortunately, we didn’t have time to talk about them. It was interesting because I was thinking about the time I was in the hospital once I came out of the catatonic state I was in and thinking about my future. It didn’t look really good as I was still suicidal after the suicide attempt. But now that I have had top surgery and my mother has passed, which is both a blessing and a curse, I think things will be ok enough for me to live. I hope so anyway.

Talking about the suicide research and about lived experience really helped get me out of the rut I was in. I have the third edition of CAMS, waiting to be read. I might go to Starbucks tomorrow and read for a bit. I have no plans tomorrow or Friday. Thurs I am to meet with my psychiatrist. My sleep has been terrible the past two days. I have gone back to my sleep for a few hours, stay up for a few hours, and then sleep for a few more hours. The drawback is I am tired all the time. I showered today and went out to see my friend. I came home and exhaustion hit me like a ton of bricks. Then brain fog settled in and I am fighting for words.

I had some idea of what to write for my blog today and it all escaped me soon as I sat down to type. I feel really frustrated. Sox are playing another late night game. I think I am going to do the same thing as last night and just keep checking the MLB app for score updates. I am so tired, I probably am not going to last all 9 innings. I tried last night and laid down a half hour before start time only to fall asleep and wake up at 2330. Game was over by the time I checked the score again around 0100. We lost. I am very upset that I tried to stay up to watch only for them to implode on themselves. I want to see them make it to the playoffs but at this rate, it isn’t going to happen. Season ends in two months.

I picked up my meds. My pcp will be calling in my pain meds. I had to have a discussion with the nurse about it. I feel like sometimes they don’t believe me. My pcp was under the impression the gabapentin was enough right now. I said I don’t have anymore meds and pain has been bad since I have been doing stairs again. The pain has no predictable course. It just flares up whenever, mostly at night. My headache is back. I am very tired but I don’t know if I will be able to sleep. It is early, only 2000. I was hoping to do some reading tonight but it is unlikely with this headache. I had to stop listening to Taylor because it was too much for my brain.