Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

PT and feeling tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I woke up at 530 to pee but didn’t want to get up. Half hour later it was get up or wet the bed. I got up. I stayed up as I had to be up for PT. I had coffee and a piece of pumpkin pie for breakfast. Then I had another cup of coffee. It gave me the energy I needed to get myself ready. It was freezing out and there was snow on the ground. Not that much but I wore my boots anyway.

PT messaged the muscles on my side and back. All the muscles were tight and painful. She got the muscles in between my ribs and that hurt a lot. She gave me some new exercises for my shoulder and told me to use a tennis ball for my back muscles.

After PT, I went to the next town over from where i live to go to the locksmith to make some keys for the new screen door we have. I made an extra one for me as i have two sets of keys. I then caught the train to the Square. I had 20 mins till the next bus home. I wanted the new sugar cookie latte but they were out at the location. I was already feeling tired so I just waited for the bus as I listened to Taylor. I am still listening to Red Taylor’s version.

I came home and had a bowl of cereal to eat. I was hungry. I thought of making another cup of coffee but I didn’t feel like it. I was supposed to go into town to get my blood drawn but I canceled. I was hurting and too tired to go anywhere. I tried taking a nap but my foot kept cramping on me. My shoulder was throbbing so bad I decided to take a BT med for it. The ibuprofen I took wasn’t helping me today.

groceries and more groceries

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

Groceries and more groceries

I had my groceries delivered today. I ordered a lot of Gatorade and Powerade to last me for the month. Every month my mother asks me why I buy so much and I tell her it is my monthly supply. I brought up all the bags except for my cereal. I totally forgot they were there until I came home from the pharmacy and saw them there. There are like ~7 bags left to bring up to my room. I have been doing it by myself, which is taking me some time because I have to take breaks. My arm is so damn sore but it is a good sore not a bad one.

I sent my therapist a message last night about how I was suicidal but I was too tired to kill myself. I said I was pathetic. She responded and said that I wasn’t pathetic. I need to address the pain. I asked how and she said by talking about it and using coping skills. I hate coping skills. It is just this broad umbrella of things. It is like saying you need a screwdriver for the screw you want to tighten but you have so many damn screwdrivers you don’t know which one to use. It is really frustrating. And when you are already upset and looking for something to soothe you, you want something right now that will work not something that will frustrate you more.

I ordered my glasses and will file a claim with my insurance company so I can get reimbursed. Hope it isn’t a hassle. I have not done this before. They should be shipping out soon. I just hope the frames fit me. I ordered a small so we’ll see. Friday I need to start the process of changing my bedding because I spilled Gatorade on my blanket and sheets last night. I grabbed the bottle a little too tightly and it spilled. Most of it got on me so I had to change my shirt.

I am in a lot of pain with my shoulder because of lifting all the bottles of Gatorade and Powerade I bought. I don’t think I can lift the remaining bags tonight. I still haven’t changed back into my PJs from when I left for the pharmacy. I might keep on the thermal socks. It is supposed to snow tonight. I hope all the snowing happens tonight and not in the morning. We aren’t supposed to get that much, only an inch or so but walking in it can be yucky. I rescheduled my appointment with my PT for tomorrow morning. I hope I sleep tonight or getting up is going to be difficult. I also scheduled an appointment with OT for January. I thought it was for pelvic floor but it is for cathing. It is with the same OT I saw last year.

I think I am going to have to double dose the Miralax as the new meds are really constipating me. And because I mostly stand when I cath, I am not using the same muscles to poop. I was able to crap a little today but it wasn’t enough. My stomach feels so awful.

I have three updates and need to restart my laptop. I just installed Win 11. It is okay so far. All my programs seem to be running okay. Tomorrow in between appointments I will be going to see a locksmith about getting some keys made for the screen door that was just put on. It is an odd shaped key so I hope they can do it. I don’t know who else will be able to do it.

Pain and sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Well today didn’t go as planned. I was up half the night with shoulder pain. I ended up sleeping through my first appt of the day. I ended up emailing the researcher saying I wasn’t coming. I stayed in bed till 1130 and then had coffee and my pumpkin loaf that I bought yesterday but didn’t eat. After that I went to bed and stayed in bed. I snoozed a bit and skipped PT. I just didn’t feel like going. PT messaged me about scheduling another appt for the week so will call tomorrow to see if that is possible.

I have groceries to be delivered tomorrow mid-morning. That is good as I am out of Gatorade. I mixed a bottle with the powder stuff I have. I accidentally just spilled it on myself and the bed. Great. I am going back to bed now.

ortho and therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Ortho and therapy

I have been up since 0400. I woke up to pee and just decided to stay up as I knew going back to bed would be exhausting. I had my coffee and breakfast around 5am. I thought I would see the sunrise but it was cloudy and rainy so I didn’t.

I took an Uber to the hospital because it was cold and rainy out, plus I snoozed and it was too late to take the bus. My appointment went well. I can do light activities and can lift no more than 10 lbs. I can finally lift my 5 lb weights that I bought. I am so excited. I haven’t gotten them out yet but I probably will tomorrow after my appointment with the oral surgeon.

After ortho, I went shopping. I bought some American cheese as we were out. Then I went to Starbucks to have a latte. It was so good. I came home and put the stuff away. Then went up to my room and had an argument with the uro department about UTIs. The nurse was not helpful and I said I wanted my NP’s opinion on the matter. They told me she would be in on Wed. I said fine, I wasn’t looking for an urgent answer. The question was non urgent so why they felt like they had to respond to my inquiry is beyond me.

I then had therapy and exploded to her about the situation with uro, my bladder, and being suicidal. I didn’t tell her what I was planning on doing. I just couldn’t. She wants me to reach out to my friends on Twitter. I told her I would. I haven’t reached out to anyone yet. I really don’t think people will understand what I am going through.

After therapy, I had leftover pizza for dinner. My mother was using an air fryer to make her dinner on the encouragement of my sister. I don’t know who got the thing but it is small. My mother didn’t like it because the food was hard and she couldn’t eat it. I knew she would find something wrong with the thing.

I got to be up early tomorrow for my oral surgery eval. I am kind of scared. I still don’t know if I will go through with it. I am of the mentality if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.