Lazy Saturday Blog 15052021

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Lazy Saturday Blog 15052021

I wanted to change my sheets today but I was too tired. I didn’t sleep again through the night. I kept waking up with shoulder pain. I got up around 9 after I emptied my bladder. I thought it was going to burst I had to go so bad. After I had my coffee and a little something to eat, I went back to bed and slept all afternoon. I had something to eat and made a cup of coffee to wake up and it has failed me. I could go back to sleep right now. I don’t know why I am so tired.

I wanted to shower today but that hasn’t happened either. It has been warm out so I have been kind of sweaty. I really want to shower to maybe feel a little better than I do. My left leg is still bothering me. I don’t know what to do with this hamstring pain. My jaw, neck, and shoulder have been hurting me the past few days. My left side compared with my right is all swollen. I don’t know why my jaw has been giving me so much pain lately.

I have half decided that I am going to write a second memoir on my transgender experiences. I am not sure how to start this. It is just an idea for right now. I have been mulling over what to write but I haven’t been in a writing mood lately so it has been difficult to put my thoughts together. Doesn’t help that I have been having brain fog nearly every day for the past week. It has been hard to crank out my blogs because of it but I seem to be on a roll right now.

Last night for the first time in a long time I forgot to take my night meds. I have no idea how I forgot as I am usually good about taking them. But I was just so sleepy from taking the Latuda early last night that I really have no clue what happened after I shut my med alarm off. No wonder I didn’t have a good sleep.

Love Story on Repeat

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Love story on repeat

I am in a Taylor Swift mood so I am listening to my favorite song of hers, Love Story. I have it on repeat. I just love this song and it never gets old for me. I have listened to it hundreds of times.

I took my walk to the pharmacy today. 1326 steps. I will take it. It isn’t completely accurate as any jingle of my phone will cause the steps to increase even if I am not walking. I just take it as a rough estimate of how many steps I took. I got dizzy on the way back. I could be dehydrated so I drank some Gatorade when I came home. I will continue drinking it throughout the day. It is warm today, totally gorgeous. I wore shorts for the first time this year.

I had a rough night with pain. My shoulder has flared up and I am not sure what to do about it. I have been taking my breakthrough meds because that is the only thing that has been helping me. I had a burger for dinner followed by a banana. I usually don’t eat bananas because I am picky about their ripeness but the ones we have right now are my perfect ripeness so I can eat them.

Today is the first day in two weeks that I haven’t been peeing every two hours. I also don’t have pain on urination so maybe whatever I had is finally out of my system. I have been drinking like crazy, at least two bottles of Gatorade a day to flush out my system. It has been hard because I usually just drink one bottle a day. The urinary pain med my doc prescribed wasn’t covered by my insurance. Sucked because I had to pay for it again.

It’s getting to be the hour where I feel really tired and sleepy. I just took my Latuda early because I ate. You are supposed to have at least 350 calories when taking the Latuda and I usually don’t eat when I take it. Just trying to see if there is a difference. I am sure I will be sleepy by the time the game starts. I want to listen to the game tonight so I hope I can push through the sleepiness.

My whole left leg is bothering me today and I don’t know why. The hamstring, knee, calf, and ankle all hurt. Pain is driving me up the fucking wall. Stretching it hasn’t helped. I am getting so frustrated because the hamstring hurts nearly every day no matter how much I stretch it. Maybe I am over stretching it. When I see my PT I will ask her about it. I have PT next week. I rescheduled my vaccination shot because I had too much going on after the shot and if I had side effects from it I wouldn’t be able to attend my engagements. I am seeing the surgeon next week for hysterectomy. I am kind of nervous about it but it needs to be done.

Exciting news!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

I just did a guest podcast about trauma and lived experience. I had fun doing it and this will be published June 3rd. I am so excited about this and hope you will take a listen to it.

Wednesday’s Musings

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, FTM, gender dysphoria, mood disorders, PTSD, transgender

Wednesday’s musings

I had a hard session in therapy Monday. We talked about mourning my mother for not being the mother I needed. It was hard realizing this is what I have to do to get past all these negative emotions I have about my mother. Right now she is in the hospital with either pneumonia or fluid around her heart and lungs and I just can’t deal. I was worried when she wasn’t up when I got up this morning but I didn’t think she had pneumonia. Her sugars were extremely high yesterday, so high that her monitor couldn’t give a number. I care for her as another human being but it is hard when I don’t get respect. The hospital called me to get her medication list and I was deadnamed and I am sure misgendered as well. I was probably called daughter as well. It’s things like this that hurt so much.

I also talked about the weight clinic and how my weight is keeping me from completing my transition. I wrote this on Twitter the other night: “In a frank mood right now. Kind of depressed and suicidal. All because I am a woman who desperately wants to be a man. I’ve dreamt of the day I would get these fucking things off my chest but b/c of a BMI I can’t have surgery. Which leaves me feeling suicidal. People always talk about saving trans lives but they never look at what is in the way of transitioning. I need to be a certain weight for me to be who I am. Totally sexist and discriminatory. I have weight issues and body issues. Going to a weight clinic seems shameful to me. Which only adds to me calling me a fat fuck who should die. Going to a weight clinic is not going to solve the BMI issue when losing weight already fucks with my head. Need to lose weight shit I will starve myself to that end before going to a clinic. And who’s to say once I lose the weight there won’t be another issue to prevent me from being a man? But apparently I can get my uterus out without a problem. Breasts seem to be an issue all the time. I just don’t know if my suicidality will end up killing me before I am a certain BMI.”

It fricken sucks that a number is keeping me from transitioning to a man. I told my therapist I would have my pcp make the referral to the weight clinic and see what they say. She reiterated to me that they are not my family and so wouldn’t abuse or shame me. I am so scared of doing this because of these reasons. I hope that I don’t have to become a salad eater to lose the weight I need to lose. I can only eat salad with a ton of dressing on it. I really like spinach salads but my mother always ends up boiling the spinach on me no matter how many times I tell her not to. She drives me crazy.

I have a UTI that I am waiting to be treated for. I hope they will treat me. I am going to call in a half hour if they don’t call me first. I need to know because peeing hurts so bad and I am going every two fricken hours. I feel so depressed about this. I have been in pain with this infection for the past ten days and I am sick of it. I called my doctor and am waiting for him to respond. I hate waiting. I really do.