midnightdemons7

Mother’s Day Weekend 2021

Sun,9 May,2021, 13:41 by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Mother’s day weekend 2021

I’ve been having difficulty sleeping. Friday I woke up around 1 and never went back to sleep. I stayed up the whole day and didn’t go or try to go back to sleep till 2300 or so. I still didn’t sleep soundly because my shoulder kept waking me up in pain. I still am tired but can’t seem to sleep. I just want one hour of uninterrupted sleep.

Sox won last night and I was happy. My buddy Eddie got the win. He is 5-0 this season so far. I am happy for him. He is my favorite player. I need to get his jersey or t-shirt. I will get it sometime this year.

I still have this bloody UTI that hurts so bad. I am peeing like every two hours, regardless of what I drink. Such a pain. I woke up at 345 then again at 545 and couldn’t go back to sleep. I just had coffee. I am not sure if I am going to go to the pharmacy to get a card for my mother. Just the thought of getting her something fills me with disgust. I hate this holiday more than any other, probably more than my birthday.

I really do not like my mother after the treatment she has given me over the years. She still doesn’t accept me for being trans. And I don’t know if I can ever forgive her for the abuse she put me through when I was younger.

The other day I was having gender dysphoria really bad because my weight has gone up now that I am back to eating. It triggered me so I wrote to my pcp about how much it is bothering me that I have to be a certain BMI to have top surgery and his response was to go to a weight clinic. Not helpful. I don’t need to feel more shame than I already do around my weight thank you. I sent the same message to my therapist so I am sure I will be talking about it tomorrow when I see her. So much stuff to talk about.

Other than therapy, I have no other appointments this week. PT was booked so I get the week off. I still need to do my exercises she gave me. I don’t get off from doing that. My shoulder has been bothering me the past few days for some reason. I have been trying to massage it out but it’s difficult to do with one hand. I can’t seem to reach where it is bothering me. I have gone back to taking Zanaflex to try and ease it a bit.

I finally cleaned the dust off my ceiling fan blades. I was growing bunnies but it was weird that only one side had more dust than the other side. My ankle is hurting from standing on my toes for the few minutes it took to dust. Now my nose is full of dust. I need a nap. I don’t know what time I am supposed to go to my sister’s for dinner. She said she was going to make steak. My brother in law is working out in the yard so I don’t think he will be eating soon so maybe this evening. I’m listening to Taylor and am going to relax for a bit.

Back on Twitter!

Fri,7 May,2021, 14:28 by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, gender dysphoria, grief, mental disorders, mood disorders, transgender

Back on Twitter.

I am back on Twitter. I was really getting down because I couldn’t access my account and Twitter support finally reached out to me to clear the error that was causing the text messages not to go through. I took a screen shot of the backup code so that I would have it should I get locked out again. I missed my tweeps so much. I deactivated the acct I was using.

I sent this to my therapist and PCP: “hi,

I am having a hard time with the gender dysphoria around top surgery and the stupid limitation of the BMI. I can be so suicidal at times because I can’t stand to look at my chest and knowing weight is what is keeping me from this goal is killing me. I lost some weight due to covid but gained some back once I started eating again. I’m not good with diet and my appetite is either there or it isn’t due to the depression. I am 192 right now and was 187 last week. This is stressing me out and I am not sure who to talk to about it.”

I hate that a BMI is preventing much needed suicide prevention work. I am in the mood to take a lot of pills right now but I won’t. It is just a feeling that will pass. I hate feeling this way. I don’t know why there is a restriction for surgery. This is so fucking stupid. I feel like it is discrimination against obese people. I just want these things off my chest! They don’t belong there. And it sucks that now they are hairy and will only become more hairy as the T dose has increased. I just want to be flat chested. What is wrong with that? I am a fucking man for crying out loud. I don’t even care if I have nipples or not. Just want the damn things off.

My therapist canceled therapy yesterday due to an immediate personal problem. I guess dealing with my mother on this Mother’s day is all on me. I have decided to get her a son card. I will get it tomorrow when I mail my letter. My cousin sent me a box of her husband’s things. Her husband is my godfather. I haven’t opened it yet because I am so emotional about other things that I just can’t deal with more grief. I miss my godfather so much. He was such a good man.

I am so tired today. I have been up since 0100. I have tried going back to sleep but I keep failing. This UTI is kicking my ass. It still hurts to pee and my urine is cloudy. It probably smells but I can’t smell things right now because of covid. I had Covid PT yesterday and it killed me. Made me so fricken tired. I thought I would sleep through the night but I only slept for a few hours before waking up at 1. The UTI is making me pee every 2 fucking hours. It sucks. I can’t do anything until I finish the antibiotics. I haven’t cathed at all because it hurts.

still locked out of twitter

Mon,3 May,2021, 17:01 by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Still locked out of Twitter

I am still locked out of Twitter and I miss my account very much. I talked about this in therapy. She just said that my addiction needs a fix. HAHA. I miss my account so much. The second acct that I set up isn’t doing it for me. I sent another email to Twitter support and am still waiting to hear back.

I had therapy today. I talked about the abuse my mother did to me but in general terms. I didn’t get into specifics. I couldn’t. I thought I was ready to but I am not. She wanted me to discuss my feelings and I couldn’t even do that. I was just a jumble of emotion. I had a couple memories come up while we were talking.

I haven’t showered yet or left the house to mail my name change thing. I need to send for official copies of my name change document so I can renew my passport. I also need to go to the pharmacy to get some urinary pain meds as I am out. I still haven’t received a call from uro about treatment. I sent a message but haven’t heard back. I am hurting still when I pee. I told my therapist that I had to be a strict 4-6 hour schedule. I am still struggling to follow it. Some days are easier than others but with this infection it is throwing me off because the urge to pee is frequent due to the infection. I just left another message with a nurse. This is ridiculous.

After therapy, I was tired and tried to nap but couldn’t. I just rested. I keep thinking about how Mother’s day is coming up and I am thinking of getting a card for my mother but I know it isn’t going to say what I really feel on it. Just be some sappy bullshit instead. I hate mother’s day more than any other holiday. It always creates this tension.

Nurse finally got back to me. My antibiotic has been called in. I just have to pick it up and I am tired and don’t want to go out. The time for napping is coming. Every day between 1700 and 1900 I get really sleepy. It’s a real struggle to stay awake. Maybe a walk would be good for me. It’s cooler out now. I hopefully won’t sweat as much. I still need to shower. Might do that tomorrow as I need to trim my beard as well.