Tag: baseball

Random 392

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I had therapy today. She read half of the TG blog that I sent her the other day. She says that she misses me. We haven’t had an in-session session since my last birthday. I was going to see her next week but I have babysitting duties until the 26th. Our times are too close together and she lives so far away, I would hate being late picking up my niece. I probably will see her soon enough.

We talked about the great idea I had about sending my mother a letter about how I want to be called. I just don’t know if I can do it. It would have to be a time when I know I am talking with my therapist in case the fall out goes horribly wrong. I wish my mother was more accepting of me or supportive. But she just isn’t. I accept that even though it is harder than hell to. She has her ways, I have mine and unfortunately, they don’t meet up. I told her I even thought of having a session with my therapist to break the news to her but I really don’t want to be in the car with her for 45 mins after session. It would just kill me.

I did some editing today. Nothing major, just changed a word here or there, and formatted the paragraphs. I figure the more I do now, the less I will do when publishing time comes. If I am still alive, that is. I tell you, it was hard not going through with it today after my therapy session. I just had the urge. I didn’t act on it, otherwise I don’t think I would be writing this blog today. I hate when it hits you like a wave and you have to ride it out. We did talk about heavy stuff today and I “blew” my therapist’s socks off (her words) when I told her about my idea with my mother. She said she was very proud of me and I guess I just couldn’t handle all the positive emotions. It gets to be overwhelming for me sometimes. I just don’t think I am that good of a person, sometimes. Today was one of those days, I guess. I told her I don’t have to “deal” with her for the next few days so I could tell her these things and then have a break.

I also talked about the Shame book that I am reading. It is giving me the insights about things. Reading this book gave me the idea to write my mother the letter on how to address me. I still have no idea what I am going to write but it’s a start. The book is also helping me to realize somethings. I wish I could remember what they were but I can’t off the top of my head. I do know that I am not liking her writing about all her “success” stories. It would be nice to see that there are a couple of failures but who wants to own up to that? I have been in therapy too long to know that not all therapies work for everyone. Insightful therapy doesn’t work for everyone. I had a therapist that was that way, and it really bother me. Granted I was just 16, but still. I was intelligent enough to know what was going to work with me and what wasn’t. The therapist was a gold digger and ended up taking advantage of me. She was just worried how she was going to get paid more than how to help me. It didn’t help that I “fell” in love with her and would do anything for her, which she knew. It was a rocky relationship and something that I swore I would never let happen again. Course I sort of “fell” in love with my current therapist the day I met her. But that is a story for another day.

I dealt with my father today and soon as I left, he called me to say he has a $1000 insurance policy. With whom, he has no idea. He just said yes. IDIOT. I guess when the bill comes in the mail, we’ll know. And then my mother wanted me to make her a sandwich for dinner. Really strange. I did it, just because I wanted a sandwich, too. It’s too hot to cook anything.

My ankle exploded on me an hour ago and still hasn’t calmed down despite taking my pain meds. I am hurting really bad. All I did was shift position where I was sitting on my bed and it flared up. That is all it takes and whammo, I am in pain. It’s too bad that it happened way before my bed time. I am going to be sleepy come game time. Last night, I couldn’t bear to listen to the game. It was terrible base running and I just couldn’t listen. I know it would have been worse to watch. I stopped listening when the score was 3-1 Orioles. Final score was 5-2. I don’t get why we suck so bad. Course, there has been some debate on the strike zone being “larger” so more batters are striking out but most of the strike out are looking not swinging! It all depends on the umpire whether or not he is going to call a ball a strike or not. I wish there was inconsistency among them but there isn’t anymore. And it is sad.

Sunday Blog 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

Rather than listen to the game today, I decided to watch it on TV. It was a scoreless first inning and then I don’t know what happened at the top of the 2nd. I missed it and by the time I went downstairs to watch it on TV it was 3-0 A’s. I cussed. In the time it took me to check FB and Twitter, the A’s scored 3 runs. Unbelievable! Then when they scored their 4th run in the 4th, I stopped watching. Sox are not known to come back from a deficit this season. It might be a shutout game or they may get a few runs but not enough to win. I am always hoping to be wrong, but we’ll see.

I woke up late today, like after 0800 late. This is the second Sunday in a row that I slept late and then was able to take a nap and feel somewhat rested. I still have some pain that I am dealing with. Nothing too severe, just my normal throbbing in my ankle. For some reason, the Achilles in my right ankle is bothering me today. I don’t know what I did but I took an extra baclofen to try and settle it down. My calf is tight as well so I have been stretching it most of the day to ease it. I normally don’t get problems with my right leg. It’s usually always the left that bother me. I don’t get it. I haven’t done anything strenuous to cause my right calf pain or injury so it is a mystery.

Since getting my new phone, I have been testing the battery to see how long I can go between charges. I have to say the battery life is MUCH better than my previous 2 phones combined. Charging does take a long time though, the only draw back. I am still getting used to the noises it makes and trying to distinguish them, like what noise is a text message and what is an email. I have all my MSN/Hotmail accounts in the same app for the first time because the Outlook app didn’t load my messages. I have a different email for different things. I have my personal that I use for most of my email, one for my blog, and one for my support group. I used to have, at one point, 11 different email accounts. Now I just have three that I mostly use. The others I still have, like my Verizon, but I hardly use it. I might use it for spam though, like when you need to give an email account but don’t want to use your personal one. I have had my main MSN since I got internet in 2001. I like it better than Yahoo or Gmail.

Last night I was feeling low again and thought the writing bug was going to come out before I was able to sleep, but I was wrong. I was able to go to sleep without writing, much to my relief. I do love the writing bug when it hits, but it keeps me up at night, making me restless and anxious. I ponder if my writing is any good. It feels good writing, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes afterwards, I wonder if it is “good enough”. People have always commented on my writing as being well written. I guess I just have that knack. But for my writing to be most effective, I have to have strong feelings behind it, otherwise I just feel like I am writing bullshit. It’s easy to give a narrative of the day for my daily blogs but for my book writing, I have to feel something to make it worth the while.

Saturday Blog 23

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

Saturday Blog 23

I bought the wrong Otterbox for my phone. I bought it a few months ago so it was too late to return it. I ended up selling it on Amazon and last night, someone bought it. Now I have nothing protecting my phone. I should have waited until I got a new Otterbox that actually FIT my phone. I didn’t realize I bought the one for the active S5.

I had an interesting conversation this morning with a couple of my Twitter buddies. My friend Bart kept retweeting most of the last six or so tweets that I had tweeted last night, including my blog, “Motions of Living”. I had tweeted that I didn’t think it was very good. My friend read it and was wowed by it. He said it was very well written and heartfelt. I felt good that it didn’t suck like I thought it did.

I am listening to the game. It just started. Soon as it is over, I will be making a cheeseburger for dinner. I have been looking forward to this burger all day. Nothing special about it, just a burger with some relish and cheddar cheese. I ran out of my sandwich pickles. I can’t believe that I went through a jar of pickles. I do love them. I created a sandwich where I had cheddar cheese and pickles on a roll.

My mood has been pretty down today because I have been up since 0630. I have been fighting the urge to sleep, hoping that if I don’t sleep, I will be able to get some decent rest tonight. Part of the reason I didn’t go back to sleep was because I had to mail out the Otterbox because someone bought it. It took me a while to figure out how to mail things out and to make sure I had enough for postage. I am glad I had a printer. It made getting the slip and stuff out quickly. It’s Saturday and the PO closes at 1300 so I didn’t want to miss the chance to mail it out today. Afterwards, I bought some donuts for my breakfast. I already had my coffee at around 0800. I had to babysit my niece and made myself a cup of tea to try and keep me awake. So far it hasn’t been working.

I started working on my second book today. I have decided to make my “Hyde” writings into a book. Maybe it will help someone. I am not sure what to call it yet. I am just glad I am working on something. I just hope I can keep it up.

Sleep Success and Other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Sleep Success and other things

I didn’t take anything out of the ordinary last night. But I slept till 12:15 today! Only woke up around 0800 to pee and then I was right back to sleep. It was wonderful. I went to sleep around two. I haven’t slept that long in so long I forgot what restful sleep was like!

I changed my FB profile pic to a sad face because that was how I was feeling to yet another Sox loss last night. I was extremely disappointed that the Sox have both hitting and pitching woes. I don’t remember a Sox team that had both at the same time. It’s just so painful to watch game after game after game. You used to be able to count a win if they scored first. Now that doesn’t even seem to be the case.

I also changed it as a little experiment to see who would respond to it, not that it was attention seeking but I wanted to see who would negatively respond. Or give me the “cheer up” response. So far, I have just called concern. Experiment fail. I will probably change it later today, after the game. If they win today, I will change it. If they lose, I won’t. Kelly is on the mound today so I am expecting a loss. He has lost his last three starts. Not really hopeful.

In other baseball news, there is a pitcher in the minors that weighs 300 pounds. I wish they would leave the guy alone. They keep comparing him to Bartolo Colon. I can’t remember if Colon is a pitcher or a batter, but that shouldn’t matter. As long as they can play, so what. They said the same thing about Sandoval who came back to the Sox with extra weight on him and he was the most agile player on the team. Granted he has just got whacked in the knee the other night so he isn’t so agile but weight shouldn’t matter. I am so tired of people noticing and basically, body shaming people who gain a pound here and there. Who cares!! If they are comfortable with themselves, whose business is it to tell the world that they have extra weight. People are so pathetic that they go on these things just to make a story. It’s sickening.

I need to take a shower today. My head is so itchy even though I hardly have any hair on it. My scalp gets wicked dry and I hate it. I really don’t want to shower but it needs to be done. I did brush my teeth today. I have been brushing more frequently than showering, sometimes even twice a day. I don’t know why self care is so difficult. I guess because I really don’t care about myself, it’s like why bother?

I had my coffee and a breakfast sandwich when I got up today. Coffee was really good. I finally mastered the art of coffee to water ratio. Now there is a new Brazil coffee that I love. It’s a reserve coffee so will be just as expensive as the Brazil that I have now. It’s different as it tastes more like chocolate milk than coffee. I had it the other day while at Starbucks. I just wish I got a larger size. It was very yummy.

It’s very humid today and it’s raining, which means we have to close the windows. I mostly will be staying in my room where it’s thirty degrees cooler because I have the AC. My mother doesn’t like the AC. Too much electricity. Eventually, I will buy an energy efficient model. This one is at least five years old and pulls a lot of watts. Just plugging it in you can hear the pull. But that is next year’s expense. I have no idea what kind to get. I will have to ask my brother in law. I know there are things like BTU’s and such that you need to know about. I don’t know why they just can’t say that this AC will be fine for a medium size room and this is better for a smaller type room. Would make buying it so much easier!