Tag: chronic physical pain

Finagling the Bagel 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Finagling the bagel 2

My sister called me today as she set up an appointment with my father for Monday, which meant I had to reschedule my appointment with the NP. Luckily, I was able to have it for Tuesday but that might mean that I have to cancel my therapy appointment for that day. I don’t know how the T is running so I plan on being where I need to be early so I can have therapy and then wait a half hour for the NP appointment. I just hope the damn bus is on time or I am screwed. Never mind about the trains. I think the Red Line should be safe as I have not heard anything about north of Boston being affected by the storms. Least I hope there are no troubles for Tuesday anyways. Will be bad enough that I have to deal with my father Sat and Mon. I think I will take an Ativan for Monday so that things don’t bother me.

My current journal is almost at the end. I will need to start a new one probably by the end of the month. I have to write the “Crisis response plan” in the new one. If it’s the first page, it’s easy to find. Plus I made some changes as my contact person has changed. The other person was/is too busy to return my emails so I doubt she will be available should I be in a crisis. My other friend is much more reliable, and I have her text. I also asked her if it would be okay for her to be my contact if I should need her and she said yes. She is a good egg, weirder than hell, but good.

Last night, I found some printing paper and a good article about psychologists needing self-care when dealing with suicidal clients. I plan on sending the article to my therapist. She might need it as a reminder when I am feeling stressed out and thinking my suicidal plans. I sent the article to a few Twitter buddies that are clinicians and my phone blew up with notifications this morning, which didn’t help my headache. Some had retweeted, favorited, or replied. Then there were new people that also did the same thing. I love how the word gets spread on Twitter so fast.

I took a shower today, finally. It was difficult because my back kept cramping up on me. I don’t know why when I am taking a shower my back seizes up on me versus when I am standing waiting for a bus. It’s really weird. Then after the shower, my ankle decided it was going to hurt. So I had to rest a bit before making lunch. I haven’t taken anything for pain because it settled down on its own, thank god. Very rare it does this but I am happy it did. I probably will be hurting later, but right now I am good.

Woke up with a stupid migraine. I planted some crops and then it was beddy bye time. I slept for about an hour and that helped tremendously (along with some ibuprofen). I still feel a little sleepy but a cup of tea helped wake me up. I couldn’t have coffee today because my French press isn’t clean and I was too lazy to wash it out. So tea it was this morning.

Going out today, NOT

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Going out today, NOT

I had made the effort to go out today. But the bus I was supposed to take never showed up. I later found out it was canceled and the jerks at the public transportation didn’t send out an alert, like they should have. If I had gotten the alert, I would have just stayed home. Instead, I froze my butt off for a half hour. I am still pissed but I can try again tomorrow. Maybe I will bring a shovel with me to dig out a space so you can get to the street without trying to kill yourself. The sidewalk was clear but the street wasn’t. Once that freezes over, you can easily slip and fall. I really don’t want to fall in the middle of the street with cars coming at me.

I came home and had lunch and coffee. Much needed coffee. I made it perfect again. Seems I am getting the hang of coffee to water ratio down pat. Now I don’t know what I am going to do for the rest of the afternoon. I think I will work on my short story while I still have my coffee buzz. Then I think I will hit my office and try and go through some old mail and junk/shred things. I saw some old Explanation of Benefits from my insurance company that I am sure I don’t need anymore. I have to find the insole to my LL Bean slip-on boots. I know it’s in that pile. I would love to wear these boots again because they are so comfy in the winter.

Just got a tweet saying that my town is no longer under a snow parking ban. That is nice. Too bad we can’t park across the street because the snow is only 6 feet high. It would take someone several hours to dig out and then where to put the snow? We can’t toss it on the sidewalk or in the streets or make the drifts on the sidewalk bigger than what they are. I really wish we can have some rain and high temps, like 40 degrees, to get rid of some of the snow. We have a break from snow the next few days. I think we are supposed to get some over the weekend but temps are supposed to be in the upper 30s so maybe it will just be rain like I am hoping. I have seen enough of this winter already and I usually love winter because I love the cold. I will be the first person to complain about the heat. Maybe not on the first hot day but the second. I can’t stand the heat. I rather it be 65 in my room than 75.

My mood right now is kind of pissed off because I rather be typing this in Starbucks than my room, again! I hate not having a car in weather like this. But then, I would be a pain to constantly move my car and shovel it out with the way the winter has been. I just wish the T was more reliable lately. I hope they are reliable Monday because I have to go out to get my pain meds refilled. I plan on going out in the morning so I can catch the morning buses and just stay at Starbucks until it is time to leave. I will be meeting with the nurse practitioner, not my PCP this time. I hope the airhead just fills my prescription without having me pee in a cup. Last time I couldn’t go because I didn’t drink anything. This time I will be prepared, just in case.

I have been in dehydration mode the last few days. Mostly because I don’t have any bottled water to drink. I have been conserving what I have left for my medication that I take at night. I usually drink Powerade but I am out of that. I suppose I could have bought a bottle while I was waiting for the bus. But I am relaxed now and don’t feel like making a trip out again.

Another Snowy Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Another Snowy day

I am so sick of the snow. It snowed again today, though it didn’t appear to stick. But it threw off my plans of leaving the house. I might try tomorrow. I really want to get out of the house, to do something that makes me happy, like go to Starbucks. Being stuck in the house is no fun. I just got notification that the bus schedule for tomorrow is limited so I might be stuck another day inside. Just fucking great. I rely on public transportation to get me where I need to go and it really sucks right now. According to the GM, it will take approximately 30 days to get it up and running “normally” again. And our new governor is being a fink. Just blames the GM instead of asking what he can do to help the situation. That’s politics for you.

I had planned on just working on my game today but I woke up late, had lunch for breakfast, and then went back to sleep. I planted short crops (those that take only a few hours) but never harvested them. I guess I will just deal with it tomorrow. When I planted my black eyed peas, I didn’t yield enough of an item so need to request that again.

I really don’t know if I am depressed or what, any more. I have a low mood but then I always have a low mood. I am not really thinking about ending my life but I wouldn’t mind being dead. I have been very sleepy, irritable at times, and have no appetite for anything. Granted there is nothing to really eat in the house. I can’t go shopping until next week. I am going to have to make some sacrifices in order to put the order through. I need food and water. I don’t like our tap water, never did. It just doesn’t taste right. I have been sneaking my sister’s bottled water to my room. I actually need to get another two bottle tomorrow as mine are almost empty and I need to take my meds in the morning.

I got some paper with my book order. I plan on using it to wrap the books rather than buy mailers. Think is the brown paper is all wrinkled and such that I have to unravel it. It must be about 4 feet of paper that I need to deal with. I figure using it would be better than recycling it. And it gives me a mundane thing to do. Now if only I had that motivation to actually do it, I will be set.

I just took my meds and am already ready to go back to sleep. I can’t stand living like this. I would try and end my life but I am so afraid of failing or someone finding me in time that I just don’t even try. Yet I think of my friend who killed himself and I think, why can’t I do that? I have no therapy for the week. My therapist is on vacation. Still no word on my psychiatrist coming back. I hate feeling this way when she isn’t around. I would email her but it just seems to be a one way conversation. Frustrating as it is, I rather not write a long email and then have it “ignored”. So I wing it, on my own, again. And it gets really old.

sleepless night 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Can’t sleep. I got a lot of things on my mind. One is how I am going to afford groceries next week when I get paid. The nice thing about PeaPod (online grocery delivery place) I can preview my order. I just don’t know if I will have enough money for groceries and my meds. I really would hate to rob Peter to pay Paul again. But we’ll see.

A friend got my book and started reading it. She emailed me and said that she was upset but didn’t elaborate. I am still waiting for a response to make sure she is ok. But I might not get one till morning.

I started working on my short story and then got out of ideas. I literally was staring at the last word I had written and couldn’t think of anything else to write. I am short of like 80 words to make 1000. I know I can do it but I just need to get into the mindset. It just is so hard when I am not feeling it.

I watched a YouTube video on back pain. It was really stupid in my opinion. I didn’t find it helpful at all. But he did mention Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES), which I guess it is important but he didn’t go into grave detail about it. He just said that if your bladder or bowels are affected you have CES. He didn’t say go to the hospital right away, nothing. Just that it was a “red flag”. So stupid.

My menses finally stopped today. I am so happy. I can wear boxers again. I hope this is the last of it. I kept track this time so I will know how long it has been since the last time. I don’t have a good memory anymore so it’s important that I write things down. Course, remembering where I write it is also important.

I don’t think my friend is going to email me back tonight. Oh well. I do hope I hear from her tomorrow. I am going to try and go to sleep. I think I will take some Ativan to help me relax a little bit. I read some of the Civil War book today so I really don’t want to read another chapter. I finally read about Gettysburg.

Foot has decided to act up so I will be up for a little while longer. Fucking hate when I want to sleep and it gives me zaps. It caused me to jerk my ankle and now everything hurts. It flared up the pain syndrome. Just what I needed, not!