Tag: chronic suicidal ideation

Therapy and stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide

I had therapy and even though I have been with her for four years, today I feel like I can finally trust her and try and be more open with her. It has taken a lot. I’ve had two suicide attempts with her, one nearly fatal. We talked today how I have no filter between my suicidal thoughts and planning. I’ve known this for at least six or so years. I told her I still have thought of just saying fuck it and ending it. I’m not really acutely/actively suicidal but the risk remains. Yesterday was a case in point where I got really frustrated and wanted to harm myself. It is going to take some real hard work on my part to get through this. Suicidal ideation has been a part of my life for nearly forty years. It isn’t going to happen overnight. In some respects, you can say I am addicted to suicide. People have given themselves up to the higher power to be relieved of their addiction. I’m not there yet. I still believe in the serenity prayer though.

I have some time before my next appt. I’m sitting in the Cafe with a mask on because I don’t want to get sick. I haven’t been feeling really well the past couple of days so I don’t want to spread what I have either. My throat has been scratchy and I’ve been sneezing a lot.

I have my book with me but I’m having a hard time concentrating. Thoughts about therapy have been floating. We talked about the DMH decision and I am going to appeal it. I am going to send her a copy of the letter I got. She thinks i do have a diagnosis for services. I haven’t heard back from my psychiatrist.

Identities that shape us

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, PTSD, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt survivor, transgender

I had a good discussion with my therapist about how last session brought up how much I was a boy and developed as a girl. It was really confusing and I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it. The only person who I knew that was a man and dressed as a woman was the leader of the BAGLY support group. She was always surrounded by young males so I never had a chance for a one to one conversation with her. I think if I came out sooner, my life wouldn’t have been so painful. My therapist pointed out that she thinks I identify as being depressed and suicidal. She is right. But being depressed as well as being suicidal is transient. I have other states of being throughout the day. It comes down to my thoughts that go into the feelings that go into the behavior. All are connected in a triad. CBT can break the cycle. I told my therapist today what I thought about a year ago when I was back to my senses. I had a medically serious suicide attempt and I was pissed I was still alive. I didn’t tell her I thought my chance of surviving weren’t that great. The only thing keeping me in this world was having top surgery. It was what kept me going. It was crucial I identify more as a man than anything else in my life. As long as I had those things on my chest, I was not a man and it was literally killing me.

My therapist and I talked briefly about my parents. I know my father would never see me as his son. I don’t even think he would have accepted I liked women. My mother was a little more open but not by much. I will never know if she saw me as her son because she was dying or because her mental state was affected. I know when I came home from the hospital she still used the wrong pronouns. At that point, I didn’t care enough to correct her. It bothered me but there was nothing I could do about it. She wasn’t going to change. It took a lot just to have her call me G.

I like to think the suicidal stuff is behind me but I know it isn’t. It will always be an option for me. I’ve been suicidal since I was eight and even though I am more congruent with my thoughts, I have a shitload of trauma to deal with that could easily make me suicidal again. I learned today that even though I have a suicidal career, I can still change it to something else. It is going to take a lot of work though. As Dr. Doyle says, 1% is better than 0. I’ll be continuing to write about my midnight demons in this blog. It is the one thing that keeps me sane. And I hope that if you have found my blog because you are suicidal, there is hope. Things do change. It took a year for me but I’m not completely out of woods and that is ok. You are here now and I hope you stay.