Tag: depression

how’s it going to be

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression

How’s it gonna Be

Heard this song today and thought it was perfect for how I am feeling today. It just hit me.

Last night I watched Good Will Hunting. It was the first time that I watch a movie with Robin Williams since his death. It was hard watching the show. But I did watch it, beginning to end, because it is my favorite movie.

I finally got my printer setup. Turns out my virus software was the problem. I just uninstalled it because it expired. I really need to get it this month. It is going to be the first thing I purchase.

It snowed pretty heavily today. I didn’t go out, again. My front steps hadn’t been cleared yet by my brother in law. There is no school for the kids again for tomorrow. I haven’t gotten word from my therapist about her kid’s school system. And I haven’t gotten a message from my news station either. Last time, they didn’t send the message until about 2000. They just declared a state emergency so I don’t think I will be having therapy tomorrow. Fuck. I was so looking forward to it too.

So tomorrow will be another day of boredom. Least my Amazon package got delivered today. I got my calendar and pens. Now I can write in style! I got a lavender, turquoise, and black ink pens. I thought all were going to be black but the last time I bought the package, the ink was the color of the top. I have two turquoise colored pens that I adore. I miss buying pens. I no longer buy them at my pen shop because they don’t carry the kind that I like. I can only get them through Amazon because their prices are cheaper than Staples.

So I have writing to do tomorrow. I also have a new book that I bought, well it’s not really new. It is just a replacement copy of the one that I misplaced. I don’t consider things lost unless they leave my house. So I have that to read as well as the Civil War book that I am trying to finish sometime this year. I can’t wait to finish it so I can fucking review the shit out of it. 300 pages to get to the summer of 1862. 276 pages to get to the start of the war!! That is almost 600 pages!! And they don’t really distinguish the Union solders/generals from the Confederates! You have to look up the names to figure it out. OI this book is so annoying. But I have a rule, once you start a book, you need to finish it. So I am going to painstakingly do so. I have other books that I have bought that I haven’t read yet. I might start a new book after I read the “Suicidal Mind”.

I am going to have some printing fun. Though I am low on paper so I can’t go too crazy. Dammit, just as I suspected, my therapist school district just closed for tomorrow. I just got the text. Fuck. And there is a travel ban on so she can’t go to the office even if she wanted to.

Friend of mine in the UK called me today. It was great talking to her. She was telling me that the Mayor of London is visiting Boston. He got stuck on the Red Line today. I hope he wasn’t the passengers that had to be evacuated. What a poor time to visit Boston in the middle of the storm. He is now stuck here till at least Wednesday as all major trains and airports have shut down. I feel bad for him. But maybe he will like playing in the snow. I don’t know what kind of meetings he had planned. But they are all cancelled now. And with the State of Emergency going on, I doubt that he will be going anywhere any time soon. They had urged him to leave earlier, to go to New York, but he insisted on keeping his appointments. Oh well, hope he likes Boston and doesn’t think we are rude for keeping him.

A Little Unwell

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression

A little unwell

This song has been on my mind for the past week or so since a fellow blogger mentioned it. It seems fitting for today. Song is by Matchbox 20.

I got the case of the sleepy’s today. All I want to do is sleep but either my phone keeps going on with text messages or my mother’s phone keeps ringing every few minutes. I did manage to sleep for about 3 hours. I don’t know why I am so tired. I have no other symptoms. I am just exhausted and I haven’t done anything.

I got my new debit card today as my old one expires the end of the month. I thought I would do some shredding of some old pharmacy papers. I didn’t realize I had so many, and that was only within the last few months. No wonder why I am broke. All my money goes towards my meds. When I worked, I used to get reimbursed for the expense through the whatever you call it expense thing. I have a brain fart for the official name right now. I think it is FSA but I don’t know what that stands for. It helped during the year as I could get glasses and get the money back to pay more bills or buy birthday presents. I miss shopping for other people. But with my limited income, that makes it hard to do.

I have to file my taxes this year. Last year I didn’t because all I collected was my SSD. But now I have my royalties from my book and need to. I hope I don’t owe too much. I think I made like $300 in sales. Not bad, I guess. And that is from international sales as well as Kindle. I haven’t sold too many books on Kindle like I thought I would. I guess people need the paperback. I don’t have a hardcover for my book because unfortunately, it wasn’t an option. Only paperback. Might as well as it is not that long of a book, though it took me a year to really write it to 150 pages. The rest of it is the title page, references, and chapter page. I never did match up the page numbers with the chapter page. That would take too much work. It was hard enough formatting the damn thing. Took me all night to get it so that Amazon would accept it. That was one crazy weekend.

I really need to take a shower today. Even though it has been cold outside, I have been running hot and cold. Just the way the heating system is in my room. So I get hot and bothered and have to take off my long sleeved Tee. I am taking the week off the pill this week to try and stop the menses. I hope that this time next week, it will be done. And I will be free for another three months.

I am snowed in the next few days. Major storm is on the horizon, with snow predicted until fricken Tuesday. I hope my therapist doesn’t have to cancel this week. It will so suck.

Last night I kept myself occupied by watching videos of the Grand Ole Opry. It was pretty cool. If I ever go to Nashville, I will have to see a show. I mostly watched videos that had Carrie Underwood in it. She is one of my favorite artists. I still need to get her greatest hits album. I still haven’t decided if I want the CD or MP3. I have a few weeks to decide.

Take your time

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Take your time

Babysitting duties are over. I watched my niece overnight as my sister went away for the night. It was uneventful except losing to her three hands in a row while playing UNO! Stinker! But last time we played, I beat her so I guess we’re even. She did her thing, and I did mine. I even got her to read a little bit before bed. Score!

I went over my father today and got to listen to his problem, again, in detail. Something I really don’t fucking care about. Three people have told him what to do and he doesn’t want to fucking listen so enough already. Today he wanted my opinion and I told him and again, he didn’t want to hear it. Then it started snowing so I had to leave before it got bad. By the time I came home there was an even layer of snow on the ground. We are supposed to have snow from now until fricken Tuesday. I am not kidding. Kids are probably not going to have school on Monday or Tuesday, possibly Wed, depending on how bad it is. This is the worse year for snow as far as I can remember. We already broke the record and the season hasn’t ended. If it was warmer, this would just be rain and I would be happy, though it would probably cause flooding, so that wouldn’t be good! Can’t win with the weather in winter. Last year was mild compared to this one.

Don’t remember if I mentioned in my previous blog that I got a new printer. I am having trouble with it. It won’t load the stupid drivers and I have done everything, x3+, in the order that they have been telling me to. No stinking luck. I am going to have to call support on Monday. Maybe the USB connection is broken or something. I can’t figure out the wireless connection and from what I heard, it is a bitch to configure. So I am just going old school. This really sucks because I wanted to print out my blogs to I can edit them and maybe work on my second book.

I slept pretty good last night in my sister’s bed. I didn’t wake up in pain, though I sort of did around 0100. I played on the computer until my pain meds kicked in. I brought a few down with me just in case. But once I did go back to sleep, I slept good. I didn’t wake up with side pain like I do on my bed, which is making me think I need a new foam topper. Damn things are expensive since I last bought mine. But it is well worth it. I think I have had my topper for close to 10 years. Only trouble is, I don’t know how to get rid of it. I will probably have to cut it up so that it will be easier to put in the trash. Damn thing is thick and hard to cut though. I tried cutting a corner to make it fit better on my bed and it took me close to a half hour just for one corner. I said the hell with it for the others.

I chose this song for my blog because the song is stuck in my head since I first heard it. I love his voice. His other song, “Leave the Night on” is pretty cool, too.

I haven’t decided if I am going to watch the Grammy’s tomorrow night or not. Taylor is up for three nominations. I would love for her to get another Grammy. Just hope Kanye isn’t invited.

Rearview Mirror

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

Rearviewmirror

I have babysitting duties tonight so I thought I would write now before I have to pick up the rugrat.

The sleepy’s haven’t left me. I feel really tired so need to lie down. I do but then I don’t go to sleep. I ruminate about things. Then when I finally get to the sleep stage, my damn phone goes off, disturbing me. GGRRR.

I still haven’t received the money that is owed to me by my royalties. I hope changing the banks works. Otherwise I don’t know what I am going to do.

Because I have to drive to pick up the rugrat and it’s really cold out, I can’t take any pain meds. I am not in super pain but just enough to say ouch. Those with Chronic pain will understand. I haven’t done too much today, other than go up and down my stairs to get something to eat and use the bathroom. I wish I had one near my room but there is no space for it. Oh well. I just took a shower and that helped to wake me up a little bit. I wish I had my new shampoo for my dry scalp but it hasn’t arrived yet. I hope it gets delivered today like it is supposed to.

I got a new printer. It was finally delivered the other night, well past the normal delivering hours. I was happy. However, I can load the damn drivers and it is driving me crazy! I just want to toss it out the window! Or return it! But I know it’s some kind of connection issue and I just have to figure it out. Though maybe I will, when I am not so cranky. I really have no patience these days. My damn father just sucks it right out of me. He called 4 times last night because he wanted to keep his cancelled appointment. It was 1945 when he first called! The office was closed so what the hell was I supposed to do?? I just let the phone calls go to voicemail. I was sleepy anyway and had no energy to deal with a two year old (father). I called him this morning and tried calling the office to set up another appointment but there is supposed to be a BIG snow storm this weekend going on so I am sure they are probably busy making other arrangements for their appointments for Monday and Tuesday. Snow is supposed to start tomorrow and end Tuesday! FUN FUN FUN. NOT. I don’t know where we are supposed to put this dump. We barely have room to keep what we have! This is the snow year. We broke the record for the most snow this season and it hasn’t stopped.

I talked with my therapist last night. We mostly talked about my imbecilic father. I wish I could say that it was a good conversation but it left me worried because of my psychotic symptoms. We talked about my psychiatrist not being there and how much she is a supportive person in my life. But for some reason she hasn’t pawned me off to her covering doctor. I am not sure I need to, but if the psychosis doesn’t go away, I am going to need some guidance. I can’t handle this on my own and I really don’t want to go back to the hospital, where I will get no treatment other than supportive care and dosed with numerous meds to keep me “safe”. I don’t think I can handle another admission. My last one was long and didn’t really help me. None of the issues that lead me to the hospital were dealt with. It was so frustrating. And my case worker just had her own agenda which was nothing to do with me.

I got my menses today which means I have to go back to female underwear and supplies. So demoralizing. I also have to stop the pill for a week to give myself a break. This so sucks!!