Tag: depression

thank you

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

I am overwhelmed by your comments. Thank you. It really means something when people reach out when you are down on your luck.

I sun downed really hard last night. I was tired and when I am tired like I was last night, I often think about ending my life. I was not only tired in the exhaustion sense, but tired of life in general, as you probably already know.

I am talking with my therapist tonight. I hope that I don’t sun down on her as I will be talking to her around 1830. That is the peak of my down experience. I still am feeling tired. I woke up in pain just now (0600) and I had only one pill left of my pain medication by my bedside. I am hurting too much to get up and get another pill. Just hope one pill does the trick.

I am feeling hopeless still over my situation. Being in pain is not helping. Losing sleep because of pain is not helping. Hearing voices because, well, I have no fucking idea, is not helping. The meds do help in this area but that doesn’t mean I won’t have another psychotic break and end up in the hospital.

Aside from taking my bastard father to the docs yesterday, I really haven’t left the house in a week now. I still need to get my one prescription in the Square. Pharmacy probably restocked it by now. It’s supposed to be really cold today, in the teens so not sure if I want to venture out. If I do, I will definitely get my mocha, my one joy in life. My printer finally came last night. I plan on setting it up today but I don’t know if I want to. Everything is just overwhelming me right now. Think I will try and go back to sleep.

TG issues 4

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, suicidality, transgender

TG issues 4

I brought up my transgender issue with my therapist today. I really feel like if I go ahead with the process, there is no going back. But then what happens if it turns out to be a huge mistake. I will just end my life. My mother today called me “Miss” and I nearly lost it. I feel like I am drowning and no one is noticing or cares.

I asked my therapist how I am a transgender and she said she doesn’t know, basically. She gave me a lot of what I termed, bullshit answers. I don’t really remember what the actually words were, I just heard Blah blah blah. I feel so isolated and not having anyone to talk to about this except my therapist is really getting hard.

I have been thinking a lot about ending my life the past few days. It never goes away. I always seem to think about it when I get into this mood that I am in. I got my fucking menses, again. And I just can’t deal. I really can’t. It’s like the last straw. I want to cut ties with everyone and just go do what my thoughts are telling me to do. I should not have to live like this but I don’t have a supportive family. Hell, I don’t even have friends that I can just call up and talk to. Being disabled really took away everything I have so why not just end my life? What purpose do I still have being on this earth??

Feeling tired and listless

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain

Feeling tired and listless

I went to bed feeling pretty perturbed. I am glad the trilafon helped to ease my suffering for a little while. I wish I slept a little more but my damn phone kept going off. It started with my pill reminder for my day meds (which I forgot to take and now is too late to do so), then several phone calls, two of which were from my father. I told my therapist about this and my MIA psychiatrist. I don’t know if I was in a mixed or psychotic state fueled by my suicidality or just agitation. Whatever it was, I am ok now, though I would rather be sleeping but I am still waiting for the delivery of my new printer. It is supposed to come sometime between now and I hope 1730. I have been keeping an eye outside for the truck. Lots of snow in the street and so I hope it won’t be delayed another day. There is still a snow emergency in effect in my town until 2000. Kind of ridiculous as it’s a sunny day out, but it is brutally cold.

If the delivery wasn’t today, I probably would have gone out to get my last prescription. I still have some left over but it’s not going to last me the week. I will try and get it tomorrow after my appointment with my father. Yes, I get to deal with the bastard tomorrow. I got to take him to the doctors because he can’t go on his own. I rather shoot myself in the head than take him to the docs tomorrow. Good thing I don’t own a gun.

We talked about various things in therapy. But mostly about my psychotic episode. I haven’t been like that in a while. I took my pink pill the day before and been taking it every other day with no problems. Now I had this episode, I don’t know if I should go back to taking it every day. I would ask my psychiatrist but she is not available. The trilafon I took seems to have calmed me down some though I still feel a little unsettled. I might take some more tonight to see if it helps. Trilafon has always been my “go to” drug when I am like this. And I don’t have to wake up early so hopefully, I can sleep late. I am going to try and go to bed early tonight.

Mail hasn’t come yet. I am still waiting for my Amazon order as well. I just need my calendar. There is an empty space on my wall and it is driving me nuts because that is where it is going to go. My walls are so bare. I really don’t have anything hung up. I had this beautiful Mexican stamp poster that I framed in my other place. It’s still packed along with my other stuff. When I moved into my current room, everything was tossed in it like garbage and I never could clean it because I got so overwhelmed. Then I lost one of my alcoves when I moved my one bureau in my room. It still doesn’t hold all my clothes, but does most of them. I hate not being able to clean and you would think with all this time on my hands, I would be able to. But it overwhelms me. Plus, I start cleaning, get distracted with something, and then do nothing. I am going to try and clear off my bureau one of these days. It has a lot of shit that I don’t need anymore. I just need to go through it, like everything else in my room.

I thought about writing my short story/blogs and putting them into a book. Only problem is the ones that I picked out are really short, like not even two pages long. That is not really a story. Sometimes, I am able to write long blogs but lately, I am lucky to write 500 words. It’s a struggle to get the words out, especially like today where all I want to do is sleep. Maybe if I print out the stories/blogs, I can work on it and make them longer. I don’t know. I got to work on something. It’s driving me crazy not doing anything but struggle all the time with everything. But that is what depression does to you.

Psychopharm for Suicide Prevention

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender

Psychopharmacology for Suicide Prevention

Baldessarini and Tondo, in Suicide in Psychiatric Disorders, Tartarelli, Pompili, and Giardi, Eds 2007

I read this chapter in this book because I thought it would be interesting. Once you read that clozapine and lithium were valuable in the reduction of suicide, the rest of the article fell flat on its face. It talked about SRI’s (serotonin reuptake inhibitors) and how only fluoxetine was approved for adolescent use. The rest were “black boxed”. Maybe I was tired when I read this as I have been up most of the day and despite having two cups of caffeinated drinks, I am still tired. But the article, I felt was ridiculous. It listed more references than sentences. I hate articles like that. And the graphs made absolutely no sense. So unless you suffer from schizophrenia or Bipolar I disorder, you are fucked. I got more depressed reading this article.

I really wanted to kill myself after reading this. I don’t know why. Maybe because it said that I was in the age range that suicides happen and I am “untreated”. It did talk about how studies excludes those with suicidal thinking, which is a shame. But what was unclear was if the RCT (Random clinical trials) did anything if the subject became suicidal during the study. And what really pissed me off was they quoted “suicidality” like it wasn’t a word or something. It was really a bizarre article.

I also read today that 6 transgendered people killed themselves so far this year. I feel like I should be #7. I also read that Bruce Jenner, the athlete, is now a she. That totally blew my mind. It kind of gave me hope but I am feeling so shitty that all I can think about is killing myself because I hate myself so damn much. And that stupid article just gave me enough reasons to go ahead with it. I am going to write a will, so that my family knows what to do with my stuff. I want my books donated to my therapist in the hope it might help her. My journal articles might as well be recycled. They were of no value to anyone except me. My Suicide and Life threatening journal can be donated to the MGH library or a library that doesn’t have these important articles.

I am just so tired of living this way. My foot is throbbing big time and I didn’t even do anything to it the last few hours. It just exploded about an hour or two ago and the pain meds hasn’t even touched it. I think I am becoming psychotic again. I keep hearing my father’s voice and he isn’t here. And my regular voices have been really quiet, which is unusual. I know once I go to sleep, I probably will feel better when I wake up. I just feel so wired yet tired. Damn, it’s 0200. I don’t know how the hell time keeps escaping me. Maybe that is why I feel so disoriented. I know I have been playing on my laptop for the last few hours. I know because I have had to log out of one account and then log onto another back and forth to get the items I need for the one account I am working on. All for this stupid game I am playing. Maybe I should take my antipsychotic tonight. I usually take it every other night because otherwise I get nasty side effects. I hate them because they are so uncomfortable and I can’t do anything but SPAZ out. My arms and legs become very spastic. I hate it. But the drug keeps the bad voices away. I don’t know why I am hearing my father’s voice. He isn’t commanding. It’s just like remnants of a conversation more than talking to him like he is there. I don’t know if that explains it very well. Maybe I will take a trilafon and see if that helps.