Tag: depression

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS ARE SUPERBOWL CHAMPIONS!!!!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS ARE SUPERBOWL CHAMPIONS!!!!!

I took a nap before the game. I didn’t wake up till around the 3rd quarter but I watched it from the beginning to current play (I recorded the game). It was a difficult game. But the last touchdown that put the Pats on top was great! But with a few minutes left in the game, Seattle threatened to score. In comes the rookie and bam, interception. I was telling myself this guy who threw 4 interceptions last week didn’t throw one yet. His time was due and it couldn’t have been more perfect. It was such a huge play. I am so happy my Pats won with literally the skin on their teeth.

Snow storm is coming in, again. I won’t be going to PT again. I have decided to call it quits. I don’t give a fuck. I just was able to calm down my foot. I am not going to do exercises to bring my pain levels back up. I just don’t want to be in pain anymore. And if this is what I have to do, then this is what I have to do.

My pdoc got back to me. She said that she is “healing slowly”. No other word. Dammit, I need to talk to her! I hate this email crap. Sure it is fine when it is someone from another State or country but this person is my doc. I shouldn’t have care that is solely based on email! It is very frustrating.

I woke up around 0300. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I went on Twitter and saw all the posts about the Pats win. My therapist isn’t going to be in the office today because of the snowstorm. School got canceled once again. I hope they don’t cancel tomorrow. I need to talk to her! Last week was the first time in a LONG time that we only talked once a week. I need my twice a week sessions. I haven’t been texting her that much. I have nothing to say. I am just worried about things and only she can quell the anxiety around it.

I canceled my PT therapy appointment. They called before I did, super fricken early. There would be no way I could go even if I wanted to. Shuttle bus is delayed and so are the MBTA buses. It is a fricken blizzard out there. I’m not going out. I checked on the delivery of my printer and that seems to be on hold as well. Damn weather! I want my printer now dammit! But at least it is in my the town I live in so I should *hope* tomorrow will be the first delivery it makes and I don’t have to wait till the end of the day!

My stuff from Amazon won’t be coming till the end of the week. I ordered a must needed calendar. It helps me keep track of time and days rather than always looking at my phone. I also got my Selsun Blue shampoo. It was cheaper than it would be at Walgreens, $6/bottle. Can’t beat that price when they go for at least 8-9 bucks. I got the one specifically for itchy scalp so I hope it helps me.

I am playing all four accounts to play my game on Facebook today. I wish I could say that I was bored but each account just needs about three things. I also have to remember where I planted the short crops (those that take a short time to harvest) as I am getting confused. I keep having to log back out and in again. Luckily for the three accounts the password is the same. My main account has a different password that I change frequently so I don’t get hacked. I am getting old missions done on these accounts but one account, I completed one and got four more! Yikes!! Luckily, they were easy. I still have to plant 60 pumpkins (short crop, 1 hr) and then harvest them for the mission. Might do that tomorrow.

If the streets are clear tomorrow, I might go into the Square and get my last, lone prescription. It is the last one that I desperately need. The other one can wait.

Think after switching back and forth through my accounts has tired me out. I really don’t remember what I am doing anymore, and for which account. Might take a break and then do some more later. I need to do some reading today, anyways.

SuperBowl Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, depression

SuperBowl Sunday

Been thinking about what to write today. Nothing has really changed since yesterday, though my stomach feels better. I found a pair of glasses that I thought I lost last night while looking for the Lincoln DVD. I have no clue where the hell this disc is. I have looked everywhere for it. I might have to buy another one. Then I will find the old one. Isn’t that always the case?

Last night I had an anxiety attack. I took a pill to calm down, showered, then tossed it up. Yup, I got sick in the shower. First time that happened. It took me a couple of hours to finally take my night time meds. I don’t know why my stomach was so topsy turvy. I didn’t eat anything that was bad. I guess it is just nerves.

My father is driving me crazy. He called today saying he has a bruise on his abdomen. That usually means his blood thinner is too high. A snow storm is supposed to hit the next two days, starting tonight. I don’t know if the office is going to be open tomorrow. My Tuesday schedule is probably going to be all screwed up because I most likely will have to take the bastard to the docs. And I can’t say anything to my sister about the bruise, but I need to borrow her car to take him to the appointment. I am so sick of coordinating his medical care.

Last night he was in one of his moods, the pick on me moods. He saw my haircut and just started laughing. Asshole. And then he wants something from me?? He is the king of jerks.

Going to read as much as I can today. I have less than 300 pages to go with the Civil War book. I figure if I read at least a chapter a day, I might be able to get through the book sometime this month. I want this book off my bed by the end of the month, so that is my goal.

I’m listening to country radio, which keeps going from stereo to non stereo and it’s annoying me. I haven’t been able to find the right “spot” to prevent this from happening. But oh well. It’s music and that is all I care about.

I don’t know why I was so anxious last night. It was awful. I was extremely annoyed and irritable. I guess things were building as my aunt made a comment about me wearing my hat in the house. She wanted me to take it off, or just be a bitch. I am not sure. But it annoyed me. Then my father made his remarks. I told my niece Happy Birthday and left. I couldn’t take being the butt of jokes anymore. I don’t know what the hell my aunt’s problem was. It’s not like I have not worn the hat in the house before. I always wear it so I don’t get the big fucking deal. And I refused to take it off. But my father was watching the whole charade. Totally pissed me off. Guess it started with my other aunt calling me “missy” several times, which totally made me so fucking pissed, but I didn’t say anything. I fucking hate my ‘family’ so much. And then people wonder why I want to kill myself.

Shit Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, CES, chronic physical pain, depression

Shit day

I haven’t decided if I am going to take a shower or not. Think I will wait to see if my stomach settles down. I feel awful. I looked for my Lincoln DVD and was unable to find it but I did find some suicidology books. I will add them to the pile that I have for them because I don’t have space in my bookcase yet. I am glad I found them because it gives me something to read other than the Civil War book. I was reading “Definition of Suicide” but that book is really taxing. I have to be really alert to pay attention to it because the vocabulary is quite unique.

Today was going okay until my bowels decided to explode on me. I just barely made it to the bathroom. A combination of coffee and laxatives has caused all hell to break loose. I am debating taking some Imodium to try and calm things down. I hate when this happens because I can’t do a damn thing. I have to be near a toilet or I risk shitting myself. I was supposed to go to my father’s but it’s freezing and icy out. My middle sister is going there now to do his laundry. I asked her if she could do his meds for me. Guy will go berserk if the box isn’t filled up. He is such a pain in the ass.

Ankle is still bothering me but I haven’t taken any meds for it. I am afraid of getting back up again if I do. I hate getting backed up and then have the explosive bowels. I usually don’t get them but damn, when I do, it’s bad. I guess I shouldn’t have had the coffee but I was feeling sleepy and needed to be awake. Today is my niece’s birthday. She is turning 19. The party is at 4 and I hoping my stomach settles by then. I was so hoping to get a shower in but damn bowels have left me feeling weak. I should probably take a nap but I really don’t want to. I have been having strange mini dreams today, mostly involving suicide of someone in the dream. I really don’t want to go back there.

I am still trying to get reviewers for my book. If anyone on my blog wants a FREE, signed copy of my book, let me know. I will send you my book in exchange for a review. Warning the book is powerful and may make you cry. I had two people tell me this. I wrote it from the heart.

There is supposed to be another damn storm coming in from tomorrow night into Monday morning. I hope I still have therapy Monday. The appointment is at noon. I hope the snow has stopped by then. If it is really bad out, I will cancel. I am not going to risk a fall.

I have been in a strange mood the past 24 hours. I feel really down but not really. I just want to die, to cease to exist. My cousin’s mother passed away this week. She and her son has been on my mind. I got him a sympathy card and plan on mailing it on Monday. She was a good woman.

I have been thinking of writing again on my co-authored book. Trouble is that I don’t know what I did with the list of phrases to work on. Maybe I will do that tomorrow. Or I could write some more about suicide. I like that topic best. It is my muse. It is something I write well in.

rough snowy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression

So yay! I got my prescriptions filled today. Now I just have to wait until 2/2 for my next one because I am two days late for refilling my narcotic meds thanks to the blizzard or the inept medical assistant. And I am 8 pills short. I am not happy about this. The doc decreased the pill count to 112 for a 28 day supply. I am screwed if I have a pain flare up. My doc refuses to give me 2 pills at a time, which is what I take. I have told him this numerous times but he refuses to change the script to reflect that. I am so annoyed. I am just happy the pills cost less this month. I have 2 extra dollars, yay!

I see the stupid nurse practitioner for my next refill. That is going to be fun because she is an airhead. I probably will have to have a drug test as it has been a while. I am not worried about it. I have been taking the meds that I am supposed to be taking.

I got into an argument with my mother today over my money. She doesn’t understand that at least $70-80 USD goes toward my prescriptions every month and that is all I have to play with. Yes I bought a printer and a few other items that I probably shouldn’t have but I need these items to make me happy. And I needed a haircut because my cousin always gives me “female” haircuts and there is no arguing with him about this. I sometimes allow him to give me a haircut because it free, but it is not what I want so I rather just pay for what I want. I told my mother I spend most of my money on bills. I have to pay medicare, my private insurance (which went up $16), cell phone, cable, therapist, and student loans. I am not left with too much left over. I really wanted to buy Chinese food this month but I am broke. It will have to wait until next month.

I still have two prescriptions I need to pick up, but luckily, they are not expensive. Just 4 dollars. Then I am set for the month. I really should look into a state plan like Mass Health to see if they can help my prescription costs. But I am not sure I can afford them right now. My cousin pays $94 a month for it and there is no way I can afford that unless I cut my private insurance.

I am still waiting for my printer to be shipped but I just checked the status. Seems because of the weather (it has started snowing again), my shipment might be delayed. I guess that is good because I haven’t cleared the space I want to put it. I have been lazy about cleaning. I still have to go through my big box in my room to see if my Lincoln DVD is in it. If it is not, I have totally misplaced it and I will be sad. I love that movie.

I was in an okay mood until the scrapple with my mother over money. Now I am just depressed and want to die. I hate being broke every month and spending so much money on my meds. It was fine when I was working but I no longer have that luxury. Plus the thoughts of transitioning are weighing on me. That always increases my wanting to die.

Ankle is going to be hurting me later on today. I went up and down the stairs a little bit too much today. I haven’t eaten that much today. I am hungry but I don’t know what to make so I don’t make anything. Plus we are low on eggs so I can’t make my favorite sandwich. I went to Walgreens and they were clean out. No eggs. I probably will make some bacon later if I can muster up enough energy to do it. I just hate cleaning the pans.