Tag: depression

Random 1,000

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders

I did a lot of walking today. But it was worth the effort as I got to meet my high school friend. We chatted for a good three hours. It was good catching up with him. After we chatted, I got a fresh haircut. I feel normal now.

The ride home was ok. I am pissed the mail didn’t bring me my prescription I need. Then I went to pick up my waiting prescriptions. I really need to get off my antipsychotic. It just costs me so much money. But I need it to keep sane so it’s a hard line I am crossing. I also found out one of my meds is short. The pharmacy owes me like 75 pills. I don’t know why they even bothered to fill it! I was supposed to get 90 pills. OY VEY.

I was very hot when I came home but now that I have settled down, I am freezing! I need a nap but it’s almost bedtime so probably not a good idea to go to bed now. I should have gotten a coffee while I was out. I thought about going to the square on the way home but the red line has had some delays today. Apparently there was some smoke on a train and the train and the station had to be evacuated. That made a great morning commute! Then I got an alert that the buses were all delayed because of weather related events. Funny they didn’t have any problems yesterday, and most of the snow wasn’t plowed yet! And I hear there is another storm for this weekend. Going to be fun with all this fricken snow. I am already sick of it and it’s only the beginning of winter!

I was supposed to get my printer cartridge today but it hasn’t been delivered yet. Probably won’t be till tomorrow. I don’t know why they didn’t just have one shipment. But then, that would make sense.

I had another early morning wake up. I swear if I had to get up at 0630 in the morning, there would be no way I could do that every day. Yet I am not working and I am waking up at that hour, sometimes a few hours before, too. I don’t know why I can’t sleep at least 7 straight hours. I used to be able to sleep 12 no problem. Now I am lucky to get 5 straight. Maybe I should start drinking. But with my new muscle relaxant, I don’t think that would be a good idea. Sucks being on meds!

I feel pretty good, despite being depressed again. I am really missing my pdoc. I got an email from her and doesn’t look like she is coming back any time soon. She is healing slowly. I have a feeling it might take at least six months for her to return. It’s driving me crazy not seeing her.

My high school friend read my book. He liked it because he said I wrote like I was telling a story. I liked his perspective. He also commented that I was his first author to know personally. I was flattered by the comments.

TG Issues 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, chronic physical pain, mood disorders, suicidality, transgender

Fortunately, I had therapy today. My therapist was able to get to her office today, but there won’t be therapy tomorrow because they canceled school again. I know out west got hit harder than we did, where she lives. Just sucks but at least I got to talk to her a little bit today.

I told her about the strange dream I had this morning. In the dream, I went to my friend Chris’s wake. I went there with a mutual friend. He went off being a social butterfly that he was and I was left to my own devices. There was a guy I recognized from way back and so we chatted. He asked me my name and when I told him, he looked at me up and down with disgust. I awoke from the dream feeling full of self-loathing. I couldn’t stand to be my own skin. My therapist calls it gender dysphoria. I don’t care what it is called. I hate myself, no, I loathe myself way too much, to the point where I just want to kill myself. We didn’t discuss that part. I thought it was self-explanatory. She should know by now that anything to do with self-loathing is going to bring up suicidal thoughts.

Then we discussed my paper that I am working on submitting for a contest. I think it sounds too depressing, so I added a few sentences about hope. It read okay in my mind but I am still having my doubts. Top prize for this is $1500, though I really would love just to win it for the sake of having my writing mean something. Once the winners are announced, I will post my piece.

But the writing got me self-doubting and it really hurts me to think that is what my life is. I am stuck in the wrong body and it is hurtful. Then towards the end of session, my therapist tells me that she called the LGBTQ clinic inquiring about whether suicidality will hinder transition and if private therapy will have to cease. None of these conditions are true. I just need my PCP to recommend them to their primary care place for evaluation. They are willing to work *with* me on the transition. I couldn’t talk about it anymore as I was drowning in sorrow and relief. This could happen this year and all I have to do is put one foot in front of the other.

I woke up from the self-loathing dream around 0630 and couldn’t go back to sleep. I went to the bathroom and then when I came back to my room, I got really nauseous. I thought I was going to throw up so I took my Zofran (anti-nausea pill). I couldn’t sit up so I laid back down and fell asleep. I didn’t wake up till around 11 or so. By then I was really hungry so made eggs and bacon. Now I am feeling sick to my stomach again and I am really tired.

No mail has come yet. I hope it comes soon and my prescription is in it. I need my pain meds or I am going to run out. I haven’t been in too much pain today but then I have been resting for most of the day.

I haven’t showered yet. I think I might do that later tonight, if I don’t get sick. I keep thinking about the TG issues and the self-loathing. I really, really, loathe myself. I find myself despicable. I just am not a good person and I should die. But my therapist would miss me so I can’t kill myself as much as I want to. I’m going to go to sleep after I take some Ativan. I hope I am in a better mood when I wake up.

A Tired Ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

A tired ramble

I should be sleeping but I am fighting sleep right now. All the bad thoughts are coming out. I feel like I am a worthless piece of shit. I need a haircut badly as my head itches. I don’t think cutting my hair is going to solve the problem (it’s dry scalp) but least I will feel human again.

Snow has hit the city where I live pretty hard. We have a travel ban in effect and the governor has stopped public transportation from running. Essentially, I am trapped in my house. I hope that it is all cleaned up by Thursday so I can have lunch with my high school friend. I know we are going to talk about my book. He is taking me to a Thai restaurant in the Back Bay. It must be a new place as it wasn’t there when I went to school. Or maybe it was and I just never went there because I didn’t like Thai back then.

My pain levels are excruciating, too. Which is why I cannot just shut the light off and go to sleep. Pain that was in my leg but now is in my foot. It is dancing around, all over the place, with the same intensity like a hot poker stick. I just took some pain meds so I hope that calms it down. I also took some Ativan to calm the fuck down. I don’t know why I am so damn anxious but I am. I know part of it is because I haven’t talked to my therapist in a week. She had to cancel today’s session because, well, like I said, everything was shut down. I don’t know how she is going to get into her office but whatever. She canceled for tomorrow’s session because school is closed but is going to try and have some evening time. I guess it all depends on if she can get child care for her daughter.

I emailed my pdoc again because I need refills for my meds. I got no answer from the one I sent the other day. I am getting frustrated with her!! This is sucks that she is out of the office and I can’t see her and then when I email her, I get no response. What the fuck kind of patient care is that?? I am so bullshit!!

Then tonight I decide to read Uncle Tom’s cabin and this little girl I fell in with dies. I have been in tears for the past hour. It was so sad that she died. I think she had some kind of heart condition. But then, the author didn’t elaborate on the illness nor was the medicine back in the early 1800s very good at diagnosing difficult ailments. Her father is heartbroken and her mother, who was a basket case to begin with, is playing the part of grieving mother. I just want to slap the mother silly as she just wants sympathy from all her servants and no one else can show sympathy. Beecher-Stowe really is a good writer, better than I could ever be.

I have been up since 0430. It’s now almost 0100. I am dog tired. I should be passed out by now. I spent some time reading today. I read a hundred pages in my civil war book and then I read a “dictionary” called the definition of suicide by Shneidman. Holy hell this man uses big words. I am glad I know the language so I can follow along (I have read his stuff before so I know his terminology), but some of it I am like really?? The word is archaic now and he is using it?? He was a funny person. I wish I got to know him better before he died.

Today is my best friend’s birthday. I wish I was in Chicago to celebrate with him.

I haven’t heard from my problem blogger in a few weeks. I hope that means she is gone. And if she comments to say she is around, I will just delete it. I don’t need her negativity in my life. I hate when people try to push their beliefs on to you and think their way of thinking is right and the ONLY way to get “better”. I don’t need that in my life. Never have and never will.

My Twitter followers is strange. The numbers will go up and then the numbers will go down. I had 343 followers. Now I have 349. I think I will have 345 by the time I look back on it tomorrow. I think it is probably bots that follow, not real people. If they are real people, and I don’t follow back (I won’t follow unless I know them or they meet my criteria for following them, which is basically working in the mental health community, a baseball lover, or something else that attracts me). If they are just authors looking for endorsements or life coaches looking to save my soul, I won’t follow back and if they become problems, I block them. Like there is this one guy that is “cured” of fibromyalgia. I don’t know how anyone can be cured of that ailment as they only just recently been able to treat the condition and give it a name! But whatever works for him, might not work for everyone. HA, speaking of Twitter, I just got a book app that is now following me! I had a book promotion thing following me for a while. But it costs like 9 bucks for just 3 days of pushing my book. I wasn’t going to waste my money on something that might not work. If I get extra money, I might do it to see if it pans out but my writing partner says it is extremely hard to promote a book and sell it. I am lucky that I sold 5 books this month. Next month I probably won’t sell any.

Meds are finally kicking in. Here is hoping I don’t wake up again around 0430.

Runaway Train, Soul Asylum

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, transgender

Runaway Train, Soul Asylum

This song is the song of my teenage years and more. The lyrics are just so powerful. I know the song deals with runaway children, but when you are in so much pain and want to escape, this song pretty much covers it.

I am snowed in, literally. There is almost two feet of snow surrounding my house. My brother in law is outside plowing with his snow blower. They have not plowed the streets yet. Travel ban is still in effect as far as I know, though they have lifted the ban in the western part of the state.

I thought I would writ this blog and then read my civil war book. Tomorrow seems to be the same. School has been canceled so I am guessing I won’t be having therapy this week. I could really use a session as my mood has plummeted since I edited one of the papers I am using for a “lived experience” contest. I just hate myself so much that I just want to die. I was reading a transgender blog and read that the FTM is going to have surgery in three weeks to remove his breasts. I am so jealous. But then, I haven’t pursued avenues to my transition. I keep trying to get the nerve to tell my mother but I lose my nerve. I know what she is going to say. And the most hurtful part is that she thinks she knows me. Yeah right. If she knew me, she would know that I buy men’s clothes because it fits my identity as a person.

I should probably take a shower today but I don’t feel like it. The shampoo that I have been using just dries out my scalp and makes it itch. I have yet to find a shampoo other than Selsun Blue that deals with the issue. And Selsun Blue isn’t cheap. I got to get another bottle, so add it to my shopping list. I love shopping on Amazon. I usually am able to get things much cheaper than in the stores, and usually a 2 for 1 deal. Plus I usually have free shipping so that is good. I am not a Prime member because it is too expensive, but I think next year I will be. If I am still alive.

I was reading about a friend on Facebook. We became friends while in the hospital last year. She is thinking about entering the hospital’s DBT program to help her. It is an intensive program, from what I heard. I never found DBT or CBT to be helpful for me. The therapy that I have with my therapist is eclectic, meaning there is no specific discipline she focuses on. Mostly we just talk and go from there. She is open to any therapeutic ideas that I have which I like. I usually am not open to her ideas, though I will research them. There was a guy she liked about something, I forget. I think his last name was Frantz. I came across his paper the other day while looking for something else. It was an interesting paper. It probably is the only thing that I liked that she suggested.

Oh this sucks. I am almost out of my pain medication and I still have not received my new script in the mail. And because of the snow storm, mail won’t be delivered today. Fuck! I still have a few pills left but they won’t last this week. And if I don’t get the script tomorrow, it will throw my damn refill schedule off. UGH. I am so pissed. And because of the new narcotic regulations, they can’t fax in the prescription. I am so screwed.

It’s 1435 EST and I just realized I have not had lunch yet. Think I will make some eggs and toast. Then I got to do some reading.