Tag: depression

I see you

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I see you

Just another country song that has some meaning in my life. This one is by Luke Bryan. I love him. He is just so adorable. Call it a bromance, though I really am not into him sexually, in the least. I just love his music and voice.

One of my blog readers has been emailing me privately with things. Today she brought up loneliness. I have done some thinking about this and to tell the truth, I don’t think I have ever been lonely in my life. I have felt alone, but that is something different, in my mind. There is a song, I think by Mary Chapin, but it could be by someone else, that said that you can be surrounded by people and feel alone yet totally be alone and not be lonely. If I am surrounded by people, I am uncomfortable and awkward, even if I know them or even if they are family members.

Today was a good day. I went to Starbucks and plan on getting a new coffee this week as I am running low on my house blend. I am going to try it first to make sure I like it before I buy it. Nothing worse than buying coffee that doesn’t taste good. I just have to decide whether to purchase the K-cups or the beans.

I came home and my bowels went berserk. I have not been able to stop going and just been making it on time. I think the combo of taking a laxative and coffee is working a little too well. I still feel full as I have been backed up for a day or two. I just hate it because I feel like the air out of a tire. It might be flat but yet it’s still holding the shape because it was overinflated (please NO Pats jokes here. I have had enough of them!!!) I am glad I don’t have nothing to do but write tonight and read. I have to make some headway into my “Battle Cry for Freedom” book. I only have 400 pages to go (not kidding). It will be the last book that I buy that is more than 500 pages. If I do purchase a book more than 500 pages, it better be worth reading and mean something to me, like a suicide book written by Shneidman or one of his followers. There is one book written by Maurizio Pompili that I really want but it costs like $100. Totally out of my budget. I will get this book one day. I wish my family was more open to talking about suicide because they might help with my library on the subject. One of these days I am going to clear a shelf on my bookcase that has just old books that I haven’t read in years and just put my suicidology books on it so they are all in one place.

Everyone and their mother seems to be talking about the storm that is supposed to approach my area in the next few hours. I have my friends from Pennsylvania, Australia, and South Carolina comment about it. My past experience is the meteorologists hype up the weather and then it is nothing more than a few inches of snow. It is just flurries right now and they have put in a travel ban at midnight tonight until further notice! Ridiculous!! I have probably no therapy tomorrow because schools are closed. My physical therapy appointment has been canceled because they are closing their office. And this is BEFORE anything hits. It is just non-sense. If we do get hit with a dump, we get hit with a dump. I am not going to sweat about it. I don’t have to work so it’s not like it is really affecting me. I feel bad for the people that do have to work in it like those that work at 24/7 hospital shifts. Hospitals don’t close because there is a threat of a snow dump or frigid temperatures.

random 251

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Went out today. First time since my PT appointment on Wednesday. I wish I could say that it was because of pain that kept me in, but it was more the weather being shitty and my mood being low. We are supposed to have another snow storm come tomorrow night, which means I might not have therapy on Tuesday. If school is canceled on account of snow, my therapy is canceled. It doesn’t happen too often but she lives right in the middle of where the storm is going to hit. I definitely won’t be going out that day. I just hope everything is cleaned up so I can go out Wednesday. I have therapy and PT that day. Going to be fun!

I was thinking over my finances and I don’t think I am going to get everything I plan on getting. I am just afraid that if I go ahead an buy the things that I am storing, I won’t have enough for my meds and groceries. Those things need to come first. And I will have to get the expensive antipsychotic this month. Think I will get those things first and whatever is left over, hopefully will be enough to get a printer. I will also be having lunch with my high school friend. I am kind of hoping he pays but we might have to split the bill, which I don’t mind. I purposely made it for this week that I am getting paid so I will have money. I am also going to see if I can get a monthly pass this month for the bus and train. I totally exceeded the $20 this month going to PT and back. It costs me more than going to Starbucks because I have to take the train. I also need to save some money for glasses some time this year.

I am feeling low today. My father really pissed me off. He just was ornery and I hate when he is ornery and picks on me. We were at a pizza parlor, having lunch and he accused me of drinking all the Pepsi. I only had one glass, but poured the last of it for my sister. He is just an ignorant asshole. I fucking hate him.

I didn’t sleep good last night. I woke up around 0230 in pain. I wasn’t able to get back to sleep till after 0400. Then my sister texted me around 0930 and I had to get up to see jerk face. I am glad I only see him once a week. I am really tired and want to take a nap but my mother just had a hypo experience so I need to be awake in case she needs me for something.

I need to get a haircut this week. That has to be a priority. I don’t know when exactly but I am hoping to do it sometime on Thursday. Maybe after my lunch date with my friend. I will be getting another flat top. My hair is not long but the wisps when I put on my baseball hat drives me crazy.

Waking up in pain is so much fun, NOT

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Around 0230, I woke up with my ankle throbbing. Then I had to go to the bathroom. Now I am up, least until the pain meds kick in, which I hope will be soon.

I returned an email to a fellow blog reader. In the email I told her of how I am using getting a new printer as a reward for my increase in blog post reading and good writing in general. I don’t really feel proud of myself for accomplishing this feat, but it has been more than a year since I gave myself a reward. My writing partner gives herself a reward almost every month for her writing achievement. I figured getting a printer should be considered a reward for myself. It may seem silly, but I know it will be good to print stuff off. I will add to my paper piles! And besides, I know that I will need to print stuff off for my taxes so this way here I am really benefiting myself.

I also told her that being happy is basically a myth. No one is ever happy all the time. It is something we strive for but I don’t believe anyone can get it. I spent years trying to be happy and all it got me was more hurt and resentment. And what I found is that happiness is a fleeting emotion that doesn’t like to stick around. Instead, I try to be content as that seems more doable. I do things that make me happy, like go to Starbucks for my latte or mocha. It’s the little things that lead to contentment. And if we are content in life, then we have achieved our goal. No one can take that away from us. Right now I am too depressed to be content. I am thinking about killing myself again. I don’t know if I will last the year. I have rope that I have bought for this purpose, sitting in my office. It is not staring at me, but I think about it often. So I write about it and hope that it lessens. I put great thought into buying the rope. I just hope I don’t use it.

Was talking with a couple of my CES buddies. I told them I hurt because I did my PT exercises. My friend said that it is like flogging a dead horse. I think she is right. But I will do them in the hopes that the pain will ease in time. I just can’t do all 6 of them at once. I need to rest in between sets and exercises. I can do the easy ones with no problem, it’s just the ankle ones that I have issue with. I don’t know if my ankle will regain the strength after so many years of being weak. It’s not a great weakness. Just a 4 out of 5. But when it becomes fatigued is when I have trouble. It doesn’t want to work at all then. I found that out on Thursday when I was hurting all day.

Well my pain has decreased and between the meds and Ativan, I am getting sleepy. Here is hoping that I sleep more than three hours.

Sound of a Million Dreams

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Sound of a million dreams

I heard this song today and it got me thinking about stuff, like it always does. Song is by David Nail. One of the lines is, “I labor for hours because I know the power of song when a song hits you right”. It reminds me of the song that I analyzed and wrote about a few years ago. I have it published on my blog and I hope that one day it will be in a journal of some sort. Maybe when I get my degree.

I am so tired today. I haven’t done anything. I should be making space for this new printer I plan on getting this week. Damn ink is going to cost more than the printer! It will be good to get a printer again, a working one! I have two right now that are junk. I plan on putting them on my front lawn and say “FREE”. They will be done in no time. Only problem is that it snowed today so I can’t put them out yet. I am NOT putting this new printer in my office. It gets too hot in there because my mother keeps the door shut all the time. It will dry out the ink really quick and I don’t want that happening to my new ink. I just hope there isn’t an ink fiasco like I have had at work installing new printer cartridges. Seems I get more ink on my hands than I do in the printer!

I have been quiet on Twitter today. I really don’t have much to say. I found out that the AFSP (American Foundation of Suicide Prevention) has finally fucking recognized ‘lived experiences’. They have designated some blue ribbon in recognition of this. I commented a little about it on Twitter but not too much. I know that suicide can be a sore subject for those that have survived a suicide. I am going through that with the loss of my friend Chris.

I bought a gallon of spring water and it is still sitting on my bed. I plan on filling up my used water bottles, that is the plan anyway. I don’t drink as much water as I should but once I get thirsty, sucking down water is easy.

I’m in minimal pain today. Though I am so damn sleepy. I didn’t have a good sleep. I woke up at 0430. Then 0630. I forced myself back to sleep and woke up a few hours later. I shut my phone off so I didn’t get distracted. I knew my father was going to call sometime after 0900 to see when I was going to come over. But it was really snowy and icy so I decided to stay home. I am surprised I didn’t get any delay alerts for the buses today. I am glad they are running on time. I hope they run on time tomorrow so I can quickly see my father and then leave. I hate spending time with him. He is so vain. The world revolves around him. I can’t stand him but I have to put up with him.

I am still waiting for my tax information from Amazon about my book. I still am not sure if I am going to go to H&R block or try and do the taxes myself. Last year I didn’t file because all I collected was my disability check. I think I might get in trouble because I didn’t file my state. Our state says that you need to file to make sure you have health insurance or you get penalized. But I didn’t file for my federal so figured I didn’t have to for my state. I will owe this year because of my book sales. I just hope it’s not a lot of money.

And the memes for Deflategate still keep coming. I wish I could block the content of every single one, but then I will greatly decrease my readership of the people I have known for a year now. I wish the Superbowl was this weekend so it would finally end. And it’s always the Pats that seem to get stuck with the ridiculousness of stupidity. Nevermind the NFL is full of wife beaters, rape assholes, and dog abusers. That is ok. But fucking play with a deflated ball and holy hell breaks loose.