Tag: depression

Random 231

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain

I spent the day sleeping. I haven’t been sleeping well the past week, mostly due to pain. Today, I think I pretty much got caught up on it. I just hope I can sleep through the night. That is always a challenge when you take a 3 hour nap during the day.

I haven’t had dinner yet and I am not really hungry. What I want (cinnamon rolls), I can’t have, so think I am just going to take my meds and go back to sleep.

I have been following Wil Wheaton’s wife, Anne for a while now. I don’t really know why I followed her on Twitter. She just cracks me up and I need laughter in my life. She fostered a puppy 6 weeks ago and she is the cutest puppy I have ever seen. It has been a pleasure watching her grow up. When she was first found, she was only 5 pounds and skin and bones. She was very malnourished. Now, she is 19 pounds and is getting bigger. If you are on Twitter, follow Anne to get more PUPDATES (as she calls them). They will make your day.

I haven’t been on Twitter as much since Deflategate has run rampant. Every one and their mother is commenting on how the Patriots cheated. But how could they have known the balls were deflated when even the refs were handling them?? It is just stupid media gone wild. I mean, even the Discovery channel posted a commentary on it. THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL. Who does that?? People who want money, that is who. I just wish the investigation can conclude and there be an end to this madness. You know it is a circus when even the baseball writers want a piece of the action. It’s just ridiculous! I rather go back to the regular Twitter feeds of ISIS beheadings, the Boko Harum capturing Nigerians, and other injustices of the world.

Tomorrow, a snow storm is supposed to hit. I might have to go out in it to go to my father’s to fill his medication boxes. If it is really bad out, I might wait until Sunday.

I think it is really funny when I get kids junk mail. Today I got a booklet of kids stuff for 5 and younger, wanting me to subscribe to their thing. I just trashed it. My youngest is nine and I don’t think she would like kids stuff.

So I have been participating in a study using a phone app. It’s about mood behaviors. And it’s supposedly keeps track of everything you do with your phone. I’ll do anything to help researchers know what it is like living like this. It asks a bunch a questions every day, once a day. Then it calculates your walking for the day. I walked 17 minutes today when I went out to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. It was the only walking that I did. Yesterday I had zero because I didn’t leave the house, or rather my phone didn’t leave my room. I don’t know if it counts the stairs that I do. It would be great if it did but I think it just senses motions through GPS outside the house. Oh well.

My pain has been minimal today, though now that it is night time, my ankle is starting to act up. I didn’t do too much today so I don’t understand why it is bothering me. But then, if I knew the formula to make it stop hurting, I wouldn’t be in pain so much. Who knows, maybe I could sell it and be rich.

Jeremy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Jeremy

This song is one of Pearl Jam’s greatest hits.

I have enrolled in a study from the UK about mood and depression. It monitors phone activity. For example, according to it’s sensors (GPS on my phone), I walked for 37 mins yesterday. I don’t know how accurate that is because I know that if I did walk continuously for 30 mins, I would be hurting really bad.

Yesterday I had PT. The therapist had me do six different exercises. My foot was so fatigued after doing just one set of ten on each that on the way back to the train station, my ankle exploded in pain. I knew I was in trouble. And my ankle continued to hurt the rest of the day. It is still throbbing but not as bad as it was last night. I had trouble walking down the stairs and had to use my cane to get around the house. Any type of pressure or weight I put on it, just caused me more pain. The PT wants me to do these exercises every day. Well, I will but not today. Today is a day of rest. I had wanted to walk to Walgreens, which is only a couple blocks from my house, but didn’t want to risk being in more pain. I really haven’t left my room except to eat and go to the bathroom. Doing stairs is painful, but not as much as last night.

I also had my therapy appt, which was after my PT session. I am glad I had it in the comfort of my home so I could put my foot up and take my pain medication. Yesterday was a long day. I woke up at 0330 so by 1230, the time for my therapy, I was getting to be toast. We talked about my friend that died, how I knew him and stuff. I think for the first time in a LONG time, I talked almost the entire 50 minutes. My therapist was listening, which in and of itself, is weird because she likes to talk.

I wrote two blogs yesterday and was shocked with the response from one of them. I guess my writing about something dear to me as suicide is a good thing. One of my blog followers commented on it and then reblogged it because it angered her as much as it angered me.

I can’t seem to write today. Just am feeling so down it’s like pulling teeth trying to get the words out. I haven’t been into my game all day. I was trying to find old missions that I could do as I am almost caught up. I have a shit load of crops I got to request to finish the missions I have, which is two pages. The rest are stuff I just need coins for so I can buy the crops. They are expensive so have 3 million coins doesn’t get you very far. I have 29B coins in my bank but you can only withdraw 100K at a time. Wish I knew that before I made such huge deposits, but then, I didn’t think I would need so many coins. There is one crop that helps me build up my account and it’s a short crop, which is good. I don’t have to wait all day for it to harvest.

I seriously want to kill myself one day. I don’t know if it will be this week or this year but I am so tired of “being”. Being in pain the last three days has really soured my mood. All I can think about is death and dying. I really don’t feel like I am making a contribution to anything, like my therapist says I do. I just feel like I am a lump on a log, and a stationary one at that.

Loss of a friend

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental illness, suicide

Back when I was a late teen, I came out as gay. I joined BAGLY, Boston Alliance for Gay and Lesbian Youth. It was a great place to discuss coming out and get support. I was fortunate to befriend Chris. He was such a good friend. Though I had to leave BAGLY because I reached the age limit, I still had brief contact with Chris over the years. We lost touch but then Facebook reunited us. Sadly, I learned this weekend he took his life.

Usually I am happy when someone dies by suicide because they are no longer suffering. I didn’t know that side of Chris. He recently became engaged to his long time partner and he seemed to be happy. I had no idea, even back when I first knew him, he had mental health issues. I am saddened by his loss. I am going to miss his smile. I hope he is in a better place.

Random 743

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Had therapy today. About 40 mins in, I didn’t want to talk anymore. I get bored easily in therapy. Sometimes I can talk through, no problem. But other times, it’s like pulling teeth trying to come up with conversation. Luckily, my therapist asked some questions so the last ten minutes flew. We talked about my blogs that I sent her. She said she doesn’t know how I write on serious topics so well. I had sent her my Zero suicide and my Twitter rant. The Twitter rant was just a bunch of my tweets strung together to make a paragraph. I just rambled on Twitter one morning because I felt like I had to get things off my chest.

The zero suicide blog was again, something to get off my chest. I didn’t think it was that great but my therapist thought so. She said my writing is getting better. I guess writing every day does that to you.

I got another migraine today, this one not as bad as yesterday. I didn’t go out today because my bowels were unpredictable. And I would have to shower. I don’t feel like showering. I will have to sometime tonight or tomorrow morning as I have PT. My ankle is still smarting so I haven’t done any exercises. I tried doing the rolling ankle and it hurt too much. I wish I knew what I did to cause this damn flare up. But I was just sitting, watching the football game, when the pain started. Drives me up a damn wall. If I don’t have a pain syndrome, I must be losing my mind.

So there has been some problems with my royalties from other countries. I don’t understand what the problem is as there was GBP deposited into my account a few months ago, but yet the Canadian dollar cannot be processed. This was from August and I am just receiving notification of it now. I called my bank and found out that only USD can be deposited into my account. But that is what IS being deposited. And don’t they have the currency exchanged?? I changed banks so I am hoping that solves the problem. If not, I am not sure what I am going to do. My writing partner is baffled because she has had deposits from Australia in her bank with no problem. I hope that I don’t have to open an international checking account just for my royalties. It will suck because I never know how many books are going to sell in a month. Because of this mishap, I no longer can use my other checking account like I have. I will have to transfer money from my current account to the other. Which is a pain because it takes 5 business days to complete the transfer. This is the problem of being an author, an international one at that!

Ankle is starting to throb again. I just realized that I have to request my pain medication soon. I am glad I don’t have to have an office visit again until next month. That gives me some time to try and lose a few pounds. I have been trying but it’s been hard with this depression lingering over me and craving sweets, which have been abundant with the holidays. I just finished the last of the sugar cookies my niece made before she went back to college. College. My little baby is in college. I don’t know where the last 19 years have gone. She was a preemie and now is an adult. A smart adult. Going to college.