Tag: depression

Away from the sun

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Away from the sun

This is one of my favorite songs that perfectly describes what I feel when I am in the black cloud of depression. The song is by 3 doors down.

I have been feeling down all day because I have been in pain since 0400. I some how managed to sleep for about an hour or so but I have been pretty much been up since around 0800. I have been occupying my time by playing my game and reading stuff on the web. I found an interesting article that Lenaars wrote about Shneidman. My previous blog today had to do with Zero suicide, which is next to impossible to accomplish in reality. I equated what I wrote about Shneidman to my thoughts about having no suicides.

Because I have been in pain all day, I have been taking pain meds around the clock. I have been really sleepy, at times, for most of the day. I also got a migraine early this morning and it seems the world was against me as my mother’s phone kept ringing and someone was using a chainsaw outside. It was either a chainsaw or they were flying a small plane. It was so fricken loud. I really thought my head was going to explode. I took my meds and then I got really tired when my head calmed down. I thought I would have to go to the ER as the left side of my face was starting to get numb. Luckily, when the meds started working, my face went back to normal. It has been a really long time since I got a bad migraine like today. I am just glad my vision wasn’t affected.

So between my foot/ankle hurting like a SOB and my head wanting to explode, I have been in a bad mood. Thoughts of suicide has been floating in and out. Mostly, I have been wanting to do something to my ankle to make it stop hurting. Pain has been between a 7&9 on a scale of 1-10. I have been trying to keep off it but I can’t stay in my room all day. I needed to eat, drink, and go to the bathroom. I made coffee to try and keep me awake but lately, coffee has had the opposite affect on me. It’s like taking a sedative. After my migraine attack, I got anxious. Like almost full blown panic attack. My chest hurt and it felt like I couldn’t breathe. So I took an Ativan to calm down. I still am fighting serious sleep. But I will be going to bed early tonight. I counted out my pills tonight so I don’t have to play a guessing game on what pill to take and what not to take. Last night, I just took my hormone pill, my mood stabilizer, and baclofen. I couldn’t bare to take anything else. I was hurting and I couldn’t stand too long to take the 10 or so pills I needed to take. When I was counting my pills, I added vitamin D and Omega 3. I usually take them every other week. I take D because I am deficient, like most of the US. I also believe it helps ward off the cold and other viruses that you can get.

I hope I can make it till 2000. I am so tired and right now I have about an hour to go till I can get to bed. I just hope I don’t wake up in the wee hours of the morning. I fucking hate when I sleep for a few hours and the I am up. I would try and stay up late but I don’t think that is going to happen. I have been taking too many meds to try and stay up longer than 2000.

Because my ankle has been a fuck all day, I didn’t do my PT exercises. There was no way I could do them as just moving it to go up and down the stairs caused me great pain. I hope it will be okay for tomorrow because I really want to get a latte. I also hope that my appt with my therapist goes well. I am kind of nervous because I have told her how suicidal I have been feeling. I let my pdoc know via email, but I haven’t heard back from her. I am going to have to email her soon because I need a refill on my meds, again.

Zero Suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in psychache, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt

Zero Suicide

For most of the day, I have been reading on Twitter, “Zero Suicide”. While I believe in decreasing the suicide rate, I don’t ever think there will be zero suicide in any population, in any country of the world. In the words of the father of suicidology, Edwin Shneidman, he stated before his death, “well how many suicides do you want, and I say I don’t want any, but I want there to be the freedom to do it. So there is a morality. I study suicide but I am not pro-suicide. I am for suicide prevention”. That to me, sums up the notion there can never be zero suicide. To think that one day there can be, is just foolish. Now to prevent suicide, that is another ball game. I believe that there should be every effort to prevent a suicide from happening. But to do that, you will have to do quite a few things. Suicide must be talked about like cancer is talked about. Cancer was once considered taboo. People thought if you talked about it, you could get it. So it is with suicide, that talking about it will lead to someone taking their life. This is a myth. The next is that if you are suicidal, you will be forever. As Shneidman has explained, suicide is a time limited event. It doesn’t last forever. You might, like me, have lingering thoughts of suicide or once your mental pain has decreased, you no longer think about taking your life.

It just angers me when people talk about “zero suicides”. I get the sentiments but I just think it is foolish without serious interventions and preventions out there. Increasing hotlines or having your family doc talk openly about it. All that is needed is usually an open ear. Increasing services rather than taking them away. Decrease wait times for call back services or for psychiatric crisis teams. If there were more people who actually had help that was available to them rather than waiting months for an appointment, there definitely will be less suicides, possibly. This has to be more than words on a sheet of paper. I once heard of a case in the UK that a woman was waiting desperately for a callback from their crisis team, for days. She was begging them for hospitalization. They denied it or there wasn’t a bed available so she ended up killing herself. Her daughter was left to deal with the aftermath. I know things like this happen in the US as well. My friend’s daughter was once in the ER for days before there was a bed available at a psych hospital/unit.

I just think that if more mental health professionals dealt with suicidal people rather than pawn them off to hospitals, there might be less suicides. I am not saying that is the answer to every case, but if outpatient services are afraid of suicide, how is the client supposed to trust them?

Sleepy and tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Sleepy and tired

I didn’t do much yesterday other than go to my father’s to fill his medication box. I don’t know why he can’t do it but it is better that I do it so that I know he is taking his meds.

I have been so exhausted the last few days. After coming home and having dinner last night, I just passed out. I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. Today I plan on just sleeping until the Pats game starts. I think my sister is having people over but I am not sure. I thought I would write a blog now as I might not have a chance later.

The other night my mood was bad. I was fighting the demons and sleep, not a good combo. I wanted to read “Definition of Suicide” by Shneidman but all I did was thumb through the parts that I had highlighted and then tweeted them on Twitter. I then posted the ten commonalities of suicide, which was difficult. The last two, commonalities 9 and 10 were a tight fit because it almost exceeded the 140 character limit. I would post this book on my “useful book” page but it’s really got some words that maybe hard to follow on. I have read Shneidman’s works before so I am used to his vocabulary. Other’s might not understand his thinking.

I had tweeted that my suicidality was peaking and got a response from a fellow tweeter. He said that things will be better in the morning. I knew that was true but that didn’t help me now, in that moment. I felt awful and suicide was consistently on my mind. I wasn’t in imminent danger but I just could not stop thinking about ending my life and how bad my life was. The worst part of this, was that I could not express myself on Twitter like I can on my blog, but I couldn’t write on my blog either. I felt like words were strangling me, trying to come out but didn’t have an outlet. I felt trapped and isolated, like a bug on an agar plate. I had felt intense despair, hopelessness, anguish, and worthlessness all at once. It was terrible. And I couldn’t sleep because thoughts were keeping me up. I eventually took some Ativan and that calmed me down enough to sleep. But it was a terrible night.

I haven’t had breakfast yet and plan to soon as my mother leaves the house. I might make coffee today. Maybe that will wake me up enough so I don’t go back to sleep. I don’t understand why I am so tired. I slept good, even had a couple of weird dreams. I just took my morning meds and if it causes me to be more tired than I am, then I know the extra baclofen is the reason. The doc increased it when I saw him last.

Yesterday I did my exercises. I didn’t have too much pain so I think I am doing them right. I hope this continues. I see the PT again on Wed. It is going to be tight because I see her in the morning and then I have my therapist in the afternoon. I literally have an hour to get home or I am going to miss my next appt. I hope I make it home in time. I should as long as the trains and buses are running on time.

I can’t wait for the Pats game tonight. They are playing the Colts and I hate the Colts, especially their QB, Luck. I also hope the Packers win against the Seahawks.

Something in the Water

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Something in the Water

I have been obsessed with this song since hearing it on the radio a few times the other day. I wish YouTube had a repeat function because it would save me from hitting play again and again. The choreography in this video is pretty neat as well. I find it to be a very uplifting song.

Went to PT. She did ultrasound on my ankle and then wrapped it in an ace bandage to see if that helped, but not before doing a few stretching/strengthening exercises. One of the exercises I have no idea if I am moving my ankle or not. My proprioception is so off. She noticed that when I did it, my toes began shaking. She said that was because my ankle is weak. Well, duh! Tell me something I don’t friggin know. I asked if that was the reason why the bottom of my foot did the same thing when I did the stand on one foot exercise. She said most likely. Great. I am going to give this run another 4 weeks to see if I have any improvement, even though I feel pretty hopeless about it. I just think that if my ankle was going to get better, I would have seen improvements by now. But then, I really have just been a lump on a log, not doing anything to help my pain except being in inactive. I told her that doing stairs or any activity is going to bring me pain. We’ll see in 4 weeks if I am better. She didn’t bring up aqua therapy and I am not going for it. It’s too bloody cold out to be wet.

I have a new problem that occurred today. I think my buttock is getting weak. I had a sneeze attack today while going up the stairs and by the time I got to my room, I felt like my butt couldn’t hold me up while standing. Sitting, I am fine, though it feels more like I am sitting on a pillow than a group of muscles. It just feels different to me and I am worried that a disc has herniated again. I am not having any of the other red flags of CES, so I am not petrified. I am hoping it is just because I am tired because I did a lot of walking today. After PT I went to Starbucks for my coffee and a bite to eat. I am not in pain but then I don’t know if my butt is numb or not. I can still feel it when I run my hand up and down but I don’t know if the muscles on the inside are getting numb. It always worries me because I know I have a disc that is touching my nerve root. So sneezing is going to bring me some difficulty. I don’t stifle the sneeze because that isn’t good for you.

I had a hard time waking up today. It was a good thing my app that reminds me to take my meds woke me up or I would have slept the day away and missed my PT appointment. I just could not wake up. I know part of the reason is that I went to bed late. I had gone to bed around 2300, only to wake up around 0130. I then played my game until my pain meds kicked in, which was at least two hours later. But I just did not want to get up. I really just wanted to stay in bed and sleep. I really have not had a day that I have done that. I have been doing some timed missions on my game so it has been occupying more space in my head. I should have requested some stuff before leaving the house, but I didn’t have time. I didn’t even have time to shower today. I will maybe later, if my hip/butt doesn’t hurt me. I need to go to my father’s tomorrow for his weekly pill box filling. So I can’t be “smelling”.

Shout out to LPS who reconnected to my blog via other bloggers. Love that people read my blog. I just hope that people find it useful. Otherwise, I am wasting my time.