grumpy today

Still in a grumpy mood. My Pdoc has not called back yet and I don’t think she will. Today is Taylor’s birthday, which means in ten days, it will be mine. I am depressed and don’t know why. I restarted the trileptal, taking 300 mg at night and tomorrow I’ll start taking it in the morning and night. I hate doing this on my own but my doc trusts me and like I said she hasn’t called back yet or returned my email.

Got out of the house today to get some coffee. I am worried that if I didn’t I’d get a blood clot in my leg from inactivity. I’m drinking a Panama. It’s stronger than the Hawaiian and Blue Java I usually have. If I complete this writing project, I think I will buy the Hawaiian Ka’u rather than get my ring fixed.

My sisters have been asking me what I want for my birthday and Christmas. Every year for the past several, I have no idea. I had wanted the Nebraska and Ohio State hoodies but it doesn’t look like they will be getting me those. Other than that I really don’t know what I want except for my key lime cake, that I will be making.

I don’t know why I am so grumpy. I just woke up the other day like that and it has continued. I think it is because I haven’t been sleeping the past week. I woke up today with blurry vision in my left eye. It has now resolved. I can’t wait to see the neuro-opt guy next week. Next week is going to be busy because I see my pdoc Monday, therapist Tues and Wednesday, PCP Wednesday, and then the neuro-opt Thursday.

I changed all the ringtones for the different email accounts that I have. Now when one of them goes off I don’t know which account it is. Brilliant isn’t it? I am sure I will get used to the tone once more of them come in. I was tired of it all being the same ringtone. I never knew which account it was.

MG wants to renew tis writing project of ours. I am not sure I want to do it. Don’t get me wrong it has been fun and all but I just don’t know if I can write something every single day. I know I journal and all, but my blogging is different. I like that to have some meaning and lately I feel that it is just a picture of what my daily life is like than a specific topic or something else. I haven’t responded to her email yet; I just need time to think about it.

I just go dressed today, didn’t shower or brush my teeth. I just couldn’t be bothered. I have been meaning to at least brush my teeth but I just can’t muster enough energy to. I hate that everything I do takes so much out of me. I just want to die because there is no way I can handle being “old”.

I’m never getting a Panama again unless it’s iced. It tastes different hot. It’s making me nauseous but I don’t want another drink because the bus is on its way soon.

I had a bagel and candy bar for breakfast. That is all I have had the mood for eating today.

addmendum: Pdoc never called me back because she never got my page. I just got an email from her now.