ramblings 30

Ramblings 30

I don’t know what to write tonight. I had a sucky day. First my LTD check didn’t come like it was supposed to so I am broke until Wed when my SSD check comes in. If my LTD doesn’t come through, I can’t go back to school because I will still owe the $900 and I can’t pay that off with my SSD alone. I use my SSD to live on, pay expenses such as my rent, cell phone bill, cable bill, and my medication/insurance. After all is said and done there isn’t too much left over to do much else, except for groceries.

Second thing that pissed me off was that my PCP wants me to be more active. I don’t see how as I have been avoiding being in pain for so long I don’t know how to be active. But he also wants me to have structure in my life. Well isn’t that dandy, so do I. I can’t work right now because I am just too overwhelmed with things to try and work. I can barely take care of myself and barely go out anymore. I am working slowly to do that but it’s tough when all you want to do is stay in your comfy bed all day. I give myself little assignments. Like going to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription or drop a letter off in the mail. Yes I still use snail mail for my technologically illiterate therapist who refuses to use email I set up for her. She rather waste trees by have me mail her my writing and blogs. It’s pathetic but it gets me out of the house. If I am so inclined I will go to Starbucks for my coffee. Today I had to go out of the house to see the PCP. Though I also wanted to get a haircut but that isn’t happening until Wednesday I hope, unless I can get my cousin to cut it. It’s been two weeks since my last cut and it’s already too long for me. I like my hair wicked short, almost down to the skin. That is a good cut. But then I love men haircuts, especially military crew cuts.

So my day started off bad then got worse because now I am supposed to lose weight. I wish I dropped a pound every time some one tells me this. I would be skinny in no time! But I hate myself for being this heavy and that just feeds into the low self-esteem issues I have. I have never been thin in my adult life but I have never been more than 200 pounds either. It just demoralizes me because I hate the way my body is. I just can’t stand it. It has sent me into a suicidal tailspin again. Though now without my LTD check I don’t think I will be able to get the hotel like I was planning. If anything it would be my get away plan, though not necessarily a suicide plan, though I still like to keep that option open.