anguish and misery

I have been up since midnight. I don’t know why I woke up other than to use the bathroom. And I got a splitting headache. I have been listening to old music, 3 doors down and Rascal Flatts. I can always go from rock to country all the time. I have been trying to get the old cd of Rascal to MP3 format but I don’t have the software to convert it so I just ordered Roxio.

I had a goofy day. After I got off the phone with my therapist, I took some Neurontin to zone out. I really didn’t until about six in the evening, six hours after I took a big dose. I needed to take away the burning pain and the zaps in my foot. Now I am awake and I got to be up at eight. It’s two o’clock in the morning and I am wide awake. I took an Ativan to get back to sleep but it hasn’t kicked in yet.

I had canceled my appointment with my therapist for today but decided I need to talk to her because I feel suicidal. I had a bad pain out break last night and it put me in a bad mood, well, more than a bad mood. I would take some more neurontin but I don’t want to be goofy for six hours before passing out and then sleeping only for six hours. I just don’t know what to do. I keep thinking about ending my life and I can’t seem to think of a reason not to do it. I am sick of being in pain all the time. I can’t read, I can’t really write about stuff that doesn’t do with my pain and misery. I hate being miserable all the time. And the depression is weighing me down like a ten ton brick. I can barely breathe sometimes as I just feel like I have this weight on my chest. And nothing seems to work for me. There is no pill I can take to relieve this pressure. No pill for the anguish and heartbreak I feel every day. Just the emptiness inside of me that no one sees except me. I just feel like I would be better off dead.