I was coming home from Davis, riding on the bus and these two women were saying how young people (aka me) doesn’t have respect for disability or older people anymore. UM, hello. I was sitting in the disabled seat because I AM disable you fucking idiots. Just because you might not see it doesn’t mean I don’t have it. It got me really upset and if I had my cane I would have bopped them off the head. It kills me when I can’t give up my seat on the bus like I used to because it hurts me to stand and plus, the current bus driver was speeding and stopping short at every stop. I would have hurt myself if I had to stand. So excuse me if I chose to sit.
I already was in a bad mood. I only got six hours of sleep and had to get out to get my coffee because Isla Flores was calling my name. I just had to get out of the house today, even though it ended up down pouring rain at times. I had to get out anyways because I had to pick up my prescription.
I wrote another nasty letter to my therapist in the wee hours of the morning, basically telling her that I am going to die and there is nothing you can do about it. I thought of writing out the letter as a blog so people can see where my mind goes at night but it is too frightening to go back there. I wrote a lot of morbid thoughts trying to defend my decision to kill myself because of my pain. I came close to revealing my plan or at least my date but I refrained.
I don’t know why I am in a rotten mood. It is spring. No more snow and winter storms. I should be semi-happy but I am not. I know part of it is because of the pain I deal with every day. But mostly it is because I am just an unhappy person. I have never felt contentment for more than a few weeks in my life and I have never felt no suicidal feelings at any point in my adult life. I have always felt like I should be dead or that I need to die. After almost thirty-eight years of this, I think that being in the ground six feet under is a welcome.
midnightdemons7 
this makes my blood BOIL! i have CES + rheumatoid arthritis. The RA I got when i was 6. For 12 years i was abused by at least 1 ‘teacher’ a yr b/c they didn’t believe a child could have RA! That’s an ‘old people’s disease! 4 of those ‘teachers’ were down right sidistic! I’ve always wished i’d known 1 particualrly nasty woman was in nursing home. I would have gone in & ripped her a new one! I wanted her 2 know what it was like to B powerless, at MY mercy like I’d been at hers! Had she been on oxygen, I’d have cut it off till she turned blue! If there was something external that caused pain, I’d have pinched/punched there 2 increase pain.I’d have told her ‘it doesn’t hurt~you’re 2 young 2 have that much pain’; even tho she was probably 80. I’d have done just about any thing 2 humiliate her like she did me. She was the 1 who saw 2 it I was put in ‘slow class’ 4 the rest of my school years. I’m considering making a sign 2 hang around my neck that says “Rheumatoid Arthritis & Spinal Cord Injuries are INVISIBLE!
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I hate it when people assume that just because you look fine, you are. For me it happens to be my teachers at school, just deciding in their minds that I’m okay…
Anyway, feel better soon!
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This really upsets me, too! I too have an invisible disability. Let me explain why. Even though I have a limp and sometimes use a cane my illness is often referred to as invisible as people do not see the discoloration, atrophy and other symptoms that go a long with it. Another reason why I do not look “disabled” to many is because I wear several bracelets, often an ankle bracelet, right brow is pierced, I have a monroe/madonna on the left, my nose is pierced on the right, my tongue is pierced, and thank goodness other places people can’t see, but due to my appearance it is assumed I’m something I’m not. I also wear a collar around my neck. I have a handicap placard and have had many stares when I get out of the van where my wheel chair rides in the back. While I only use it when I need to, I walk as often as I’m able. I don’t even use my cane for short trips into my doctors office because I don’t need to. My appearance at times has caused me to be judged as non deserving of the respect disabled people get. Even when my husband is pushing me in my wheelchair I’ve been knocked into. When I am wheeling myself, I’m slammed into, people don’t move for me, and I end up lowering my eyes and head for it makes me feel terrible and at the same time so upset. At the end of July I be going to the Kid Rock, ZZ Top and Unkle Cracker Concert with my husband and the only way I can attend is with my wheel chair since I will be post surgery. I will be writing on the back of my wheel chair about how NOT to judge.. and leaving links to sites for awareness.
I’m sorry you were treated this way. People can be so ignorant!
Thank you for sharing!
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