I’m at Starbucks drinking my Isla Flores. I don’t know what I am going to do when they get rid of this coffee. I like it more than West Java and it is from the same island (Indonesia). It is really hot today so I am glad they have the A/C cranking in here. It’s going to reach 95 degrees today. I don’t like heat. It drives me crazy. There have been studies done on suicide that state that intolerable heat causes suicide, or makes it more prone to suicidality. I know because there have been times I have thought more about suicide on hot days than I have on cold.
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today. I don’t know if I am going to tell her about my plans. I don’t want to risk going into the hospital. Though for the first time in a long time, I didn’t wake up with doom on my mind today. I slept pretty good. That is the first time I slept through the night without waking up at some early time. I still have my menses and cramps, that are driving me crazy, especially on this hot day. I want to go into a pool and get wet today but that is not going to happen. I’ll just take a shower when I get home to cool off.
I am glad I brought my laptop to Sbux today. I like writing outside of my room. I might work on my book today. I haven’t worked on it in so long. I added double space and it is now 48 pages. I guess that is a good number to start with. There are some things that I’m editing as I go along.
Despite lowering the dose of my antipsychotic medication, I have not had any delusions or bad voices. The voices will ramp up at night to keep me talking by asking questions of my day or come in when I am resting. I hate that. I try to ignore them but they get so insistent. Sometimes it is just questioning how my day is going; other times they question every decision I am making. Why am I taking this bus over that bus, why am ordering this food over that food. You sure you want to do that rather than this. Or they tell me that I am doing everything wrong, some times including breathing. Like is there a correct way to breathe? Seriously. Half the time you are not even aware of it so WTF. Or they ask me why I am doing something, like just now they asked me why I put my sock in my sock and I reply that I don’t want to lose the other sock. I found this method has worked to keeping my pairs of socks together. Less mismatching.
It is like a sauna in my room right now. The ceiling fan is just moving hot air around. While I was at my psychiatrist appointment, I wanted to do a psychache scale. I no longer write the graphs in my journal as right now it just wastes paper as I don’t use it. So I look on my phone. I don’t have it in my files. I check my dropbox files and my google drive, NA-DA. I am pissed. I hate not having my files when I want them!! So now I have to place these documents and the SSF on my drives because I don’t have them. It would be nice to have them in an emergency. Like when I was in the hospital and they needed a safety plan for me to be discharged. I didn’t have my crisis response plan (CRP; see this blog for what it looks like) in my journal because it was a new journal. I didn’t have it written out in a word doc so I had to rummage through my PDF’s looking for it on my phone/tablet. Then I had to write it all out, substituting what my therapist and I came up with the generics of it. That was fun because I had to rush. But what truly pissed me off was that they didn’t even want a copy of the damn thing. They just wanted to make sure that I had one. So sometimes the CRP is useful in hospitalizations and sometimes it is not.
midnightdemons7 